Helplessness

I'm walking thru the fog of my father's last days. It could be today... it could be who knows. Some days are good, some not. People ask me how he's doing, like I know. I'm not a doctor. Even the doctors don't seem to have actual answers let's try this & see if it works.

I'm becoming friends with the phrase "I don't know" and trying to forgive the people who want to politely ask, but don't really want to hear how bad some days are. All I can do is try to be there for him to the best of my ability and not let others try to define what I'm going thru, what he's going thru.

Raw anger is not acceptable in polite company. Confusion isn't a neat, clean package others want to experience. This is messy and terrible.. and sometimes quiet and ok. Thank you for allowing me to speak openly. This is so difficult. And it's not even the death part yet.

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Helplessness

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Dec 17, 2009
 HELPLESSNESS
by: Anonymous

I lost my daddy to heart attacks strokes. About 2 years ago he had a stroke (he already had a bad heart), then he had another stroke, then he had a real real bad stroke that left him homebound. He could barely get around with help and a walker. Throughout the two years he had probably 8 more strokes and the left side of his brain was bleeding. The Dr. said not to operate, he was old (86) and couldn't survive it. He wanted to die at home (which he did).

I know how you feel as my dad was sick for 2 years. We just never knew when it was going to happen, especially when he started getting really really bad. I used to come every Tuesday afternoon and read the scriptures to him. Then on November 3 I came and said "well are you ready for the scriptures?" he shook his head no. I knew then that it was a matter of really short time. He had not eaten for 63 days and was so weak he couldn't drink from a straw. I would suck the water up, put my finger on the tip of it and he would open his mouth and I would put drops in his mouth.

That night my sister called and said "I think you better get here, I think dad is going" so i raced over, I got there at 7:10 and he passed at 7:14. It was ugly and I can't get it out of my head. It is as clear as the fingers on your hands. Before he passed his last words were "I am really scared". I play this over and over in my head. I feel like I am in a fog and I feel like I hate everybody, everything; I have so much anger in me. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and not remembering why.

Make sure to spend as much time with him as you can. Make damned sure to tell him you love him. I always told my dad "i love you, i carry you in my heart, my soul and my thoughts all the time" . I kissed him all often. I sure do wish i could kiss him now. To tell you the truth, waiting for a loved one to die is as bad as the actual death. Families begin to fight, etc., and there is no way out.

Of course, there were ignorant people and nice people as well. It's kind of like nobody makes you happy. Waiting for death is the worst, then it comes and its worse than the worst. After the funeral, etc, is when I really started to lose it. I am praying that i can change this attitude, but he passed right before the big holidays. I hear it gets better. When? Does it ever get better?? I don't know, but for both our sakes I hope it does.

When I read your post, I just had to respond. Yes, the waiting is just terrible, the pain afterwards I think is the worst. I will pray for you to be able to deal with this one day at a time, and I will pray that you can heal fast. I feel your pain. Just keep reaching out to this site because it has helped me a little but I haven't been on it for very long. You will find people who actually understand and experience what you are going through.

God Bless,
Jayne

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