Her Memory Will Never Die
I was packing all my luggage, I was getting ready for my first trip away, I was heading to Punta Cana, Dominican Rupublic with my boyfriend. As I was packing my boyfriend brought the phone into our bedroom. I said hello, and as soon as I heard the voice on the other end I knew....it was my friends husband, he never calls me, so i knew that i was about to hear horrible news.
Let's first tell you some background. I had a wonderful friend named Kathy. I met her through work about 6 years ago. We sat next to each other and we hit it off from there. She was so kind and funny, and had a great attitude. I just loved her to pieces right away. We worked together for about 3 years, then she decided to call it quits. She no longer enjoyed her job, so it was time for her to look elsewhere. But that didn't stop us from hanging out. We still enjoyed dinners together. We would go shopping, we did pilates and the gym together. I really enjoyed her company. Now not that this makes a huge differance, but Kathy was about 25 years older then myself, I met her when I was 20 and she was 48. So she was really like a mother figure to me as well. I do have a mother, but with Kathy I was able to tell her things that I couldn't tell my mother. Kathy was one of my bestfriends that I could tell anything to without her judging me, and hanging out with her was always such a blast. So i never thought of my life without Kathy.....Until I had to.
It was December 29th 2009, my phone rang, It was Kathy. Just 2 weeks earlier we had dinner together, she was going on about a lump that she had on her stomach, she said that she had made a doctors appointment to get it checked out. But I never in a million years would have thought what she told me. When she called she told me that she had Cancer. It started in her bowels and has spread into her liver. She told me that the doctors were getting her to start kemo right away. I have never had anyone close to me ever get sick, so I was lost. I didn't know what to do. In these circumstances normally I would have called Kathy, but I couldn't do that this time. She was so positive. She kept saying when I get better we will do this, and when I get better I'm going to do this. She kept saying this all the time, that death never occured to me. But as the days pass and the time goes on she just kept getting sicker and sicker. She lost so much weight that she could barely get around anymore. But still death was never in my head, because she told me she was going to get better. And then I got the phone call....
It was Sunday, March 28th 2010......Approximately 1:30pm.....And I heard Jeff's (Kathy's husband) voice on the phone. I went silent, so quiet that he asked if I was still there. He said that Kathy had passed away early that morning, and he wanted to call and tell me personally because he knew how much Kathy cared for me, and how much she loved me that he didn't want me finding out any other way. He said sorry that he had to give me such bad news, but he just thought I should know. All I could say was I'm sorry and I loved her so much.We ended the conversation there because both of us were having a hard time keeping it together.
As soon as he hung up I fell to the ground sobbing. I was in full crying hysterics. I could breath, I could talk. My boyfriend Shaun sent all of our friends that were over home and come into the bedroom and just held me. I tried to explain, but he said that there is no reason to explain, that he already knew and he just let me cry in his arms. Eventually I got it together, but as soon as I stop crying I didn't know what to think. I couldn't believe what I had just heard, Kathy gone. I just couldn't believe it, there must be some kind of mistake. All of these thoughts started going through my head I couldn't even understand any of it.
Like I said earlier,when I heard this news I was packing for a trip, in a week I was about to leave for a week to the Dominican. Right away I knew that I was going to need time off work, so I called my boss and asked him if it would be ok to take 2 weeks off instead of 1. Under the circumstances he said ok. So honestly I just sat around my house for a week doing nothing. I couldn't bring myself to want to do anything. I hardly even ate. Then came her wake. It was on Friday,April 2. I went with one of my friends that were close with her sons.I walked in and her whole family was lined up there. People how I've never met. But as soon as I saw these people I broke down. I tried to keep it together as much as I could, but there were pictures of Kathy everywhere, so it was hard to keep it together.
Then I got to her sons. Her sons are around my age. Both of them gave me great big hugs and asked me if I was ok. For a second I thought if anyone should be asking the question "are you ok" it should be me asking them, but they both knew how much I loved Kathy, and how much Kathy loved me, so they knew how much I was hurting. Then I saw Jeff. There were only a few times that i met and talked to Jeff, but when I saw him I couldn't help but cry. I went up to him and gave him a big hug, I said I loved her dearly and I'm sorry for your loss. And he looked at me and said, Kathy loved you, and she thought the world of you. We hugged again, and then I left.
The next day was the funeral. Honestly...I hated that day. I just wanted it over with. I went to the funeral with the same person I went to the wake with. We got there,we sat down. The funeral wasn't horrible as I thought it would be. Any funeral that I had been to before seemed really sad and drawn out with all the religious talk, but this minister kept talking about celebrating her life over and over again. I don't know what to say, it was just different then any other funeral I have been to before. But then the funeral was over, we got up and walked out. We said your goodbyes and left.
Even after the funeral I was still hoping that this was just all a bad dream and I was going to wake up and have Kathy back. I know it sounds stupid and like a broken record, but all I want is just one more day. One more day to see her, get one last hug, to tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her. I just want One more day! I found myself full of every emotion. I was so angry, I was so sad...I was so everything, but all I could do is cry, and remind myself that she's not coming back.
Well the same day as the funeral was the day I was leaving for Punta Cana. So after the funeral I went home to try to sleep, which was pretty much impossible. Then left for the airport. Shaun and I were gone a week, we got back on Sunday, April 11th. We had a great trip, but as soon as we landed back in Canada I had this flood of reality. I instantly felt sad. And then as soon as I walked back in my house I cried. And again all of these emotions, but this time another emotion was guilt. I felt guilty for feeling sad because I just went on this trip and i should be relaxed, but I couldn't help but cry.
So I got back on the Sunday and it's Thursday now and I still haven't been back to work. So this would be my third week in a row that I've been away from work. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work but I definately need to do something. Maybe it will take my mind off of Kathy for awhile.
I looked up on google "grief stages" and that's how I found this website. I thought that maybe if I wrote my story down it would make me feel better...and it did. Writing it down helped. I still can't get rid of this pain I feel, but after reading some of the other stories I know that this is normal and might last for awhile. To all the other people who wrote down your stories, Thank you, they helped me in my time of need. They reminded me to always remember the good memories and the great times that we had. Thank you.