Here in my New Apt and Now alone ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory

So, now I've officially moved into my own apartment. It's just me now, nobody but me.
I've picked the furniture, dishes in the cabinets and the colors in the bathroom. Problem is I still feel empty and searching for something I can no longer have.

I remember when we moved into our house in Arkansas. Picking the paint, lighting and water fixtures and then finally the furniture.
3 days later he was gone. I was fortunate, orders were cancelled and money refunded. Life as I knew it was gone. Taken from me. Taking him to a place I can't go now. In time I know we'll be together but right now it hurts, it hurts at times so much I can't breath, my heart pounding so hard it hurts. My arms ache to hold him and share that moment when you first wake in the morning, when time stops and its just us. No one else in the world but us... those were the days....

Back to where I was, the new apartment. I know this is another chapter in my life, one which will not include him. He would really like this place.

So I will continue on ~
Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for Here in my New Apt and Now alone ~

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Mar 08, 2011
New Aloneness by Judith
by: Lisa

I loved your analogy about building a nest one twig at a time. I am crying right now.

Mar 01, 2011
New surroundings...
by: Anonymous


I too am changing my environment. It is our house and will always be. But I am trying to change things just enough so that It is not pain that I walk into every day.

Old habits die hard though. I sold an old car that I no longer needed and bought a couch. My first piece of new furniture. The person that helped me get a 31" couch in a 32" door was someone that My Love and I worked for, moving his antiques from too and fro many a time. He always directed the show but rarely actually lifted anything. Which is fine yet last night he huffed and puffed getting that damn couch in.

As soon as all was said and done including removing the door off the hinges. I thought I would love to tell Paul about this.

Just like that, Not I wish Paul could see this but the old thought process of I can't wait to tell Paul about this... Yet the broken door bell rang when I finally sat down to call it a day (or night) It was as if he was there, saying I'm still here don't despair. I do not understand quantum physics, yet it does make one wonder.
Where do they go from here?

Feb 27, 2011
by: Donna

I can not imagine living any place but OUR home. Maybe its because of my girls and grandkids. There are times that I totally break down because of now my used to be our surroundings. Bryan and my entire family have become collectors. This started shortly after our wreck in '93, but that is another long story. I have two of my bedroom walls covered in action figures and die casts cars. There are many collectibles throughout the house. But, I just don't think that I could go out and get my own place, but I am very proud of you for this huge step. Good luck to you in your future and I wish you the very best. You have helped me and so many others here, thank you and please keep us posted. God bless you one step one breath one day at a time

Feb 27, 2011
New Aloness
by: Judith

Patricia, No matter where we go or if we stay it will always feel empty because they were our lives, the reason we did everything, our reason for being. Partners in all we did..both agreeing on this or that that each of us bought to fill our nest one twig at a time. It's harder to do alone because we will always want his approval and smile for what we pick out.

I'm almost 6 months into this and each day tears me up and the feeling is unbearable.
I pray you can find some peace and maybe pretend, as I do, that he is still here to give his blessing on how you decorate your new nest.
It's hard to transition from thinking of him into thinking of yourself.

God be with us all to find peace.

Feb 27, 2011
by: jody

i have been alone since ken past away...we lived in an apartment with a lease that i had to i have moved to arizona from ohio and also in an apartment that is all different stuff..i left my things and memories in storage in ohio ...kind of a good and bad thing...i miss my stuff when i want to hold his things but im not forced to look at everything that reminds me of him...basically i just get by day by day feeling as though this hurt will never go away... i also lived with my sister when i first moved here which was also good and bad...was distracted alot from dwelling on the loss but also no time alone to grieve and now i feel it all rush over me all the time now that im alone.. its been 14 months and im still waiting to wake up even somewhat is truly a long road...but good luck to you in your new place...jody

Feb 27, 2011
Huge Step
by: TrishJ

This is a big step for you. I'm probably about a year away from moving into my own apartment. I'm in the baby step stages. Although living in my sister's home is getting harder each day (kids and dogs) the thought of being completely alone frightens me. It almost gives me anxiety attacks. Hopefully I will find the courage like you.
Wishing you happiness in this new endeavor.

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