by Christianna White
(Jacksonville, FL )
Click each photo to enlarge.
I couldn't believe it when I got a friend request on facebook from my long lost love. He was my childhood sweetheart. From the minute I walked into my school in the 6th grade I knew when I saw him in the office that I was IN LOVE. : ) and I was. He was a year older than me, but we had the same eyes. I grew up loving him.
In the eighth grade he carved my initials into his forearm. All the boys carved their girlfriends initials into them, but his were twice the size of everyone else and three times as deep. I didn't understand why he did that!
I remember dancing together and doing everything else together. He made me feel so loved. We broke up and got back together, etc. etc.
Then -as most young love ends up, I went away for the summer and he got with some girl at some party while I was gone. He begged for me to not leave him, but I did. I left him with a picture of me and on the back of it I wrote, "Have a nice life." I rode off into the sunset in a red convertible.
-even tho we had planned to spend our lives together. I went my separate way and let him go on his own path.
I dated his good friend even, but it didn't compare. I missed him so much but I went on with my life and eventually moved away.
10 years passed. Our high school reunion was approaching, I got a letter with ten names of people that they were trying to find -his was the first name. I quickly contacted his family and asked if everything was ok. -I had a bad feeling, and I knew that he had gotten into some trouble after school.
His sister (God bless her) messaged me and let me know that my Dusty was OK., that he was in a program and that she would let him know that I was trying to get a hold of him.
I heard from him via Facebook about six months later. He said he was trying to get his life straight. I didn't know the details.
I offered him my friendship, although I was about six states away. We talked about having a phone conversation to catch up.
& then I didn't hear from him for like another 8 months.
I sent him a message about 8 months later and then a day or so after that I got a text message.
He was just out of JAIL.
His life had been a rollercoaster. He had gotten mixed up in drugs and got locked up. He had 2 daughters, by two different girls, he wanted so bad to have a normal life.
I couldn't believe it. He said he was "Clean"
I said from what,
he said from dope
I didn't know what that even meant.
he said "Dope is heroin."
I SAID OH MY GOD DUSTY THAT CAN KILL YOU.
He said, I know, don't ever try it it will kick you on your ass.
I started crying.
I cried hard.
I didn't even know why but I was sooooooo upset.
I told him to get his phone straight so that we could talk.
He called me.
and we never stopped talking.
that was in August.
we talked all day texting and we would talk through the night.
I had my best friend back! I had my LOVE.
We talked about how we should have never broken up and how I should have been the one to have his babies.
He thought his life was over, he felt like a drug addict. I told him of how I knew this great family growing up in church and my mom told me that the dad was a recovering heroin addict. We had hope.
Then I didn't hear from him one morning.
He had gone out to a bar the night before.
I eventually heard from him and he told me, he didn't understand why people would approach him. He said, "I don't get it, I want to be free from it, do I look like a drug addict?!" I told him how I thought it was an evil spirit trying to attack him.
We prayed. I prayed for him.
Finally he told me he was going to go to rehab.
Thank GOD! He was supposed to go on Saturday.
It was Thursday.
He told me that afternoon that he woke up and took an ecstasy pill. I told him, "Dusty, that can alone kill you! you don't know what is in that stuff!!!"
He said then he drank 2 40's. (of beer) -this was all before ten a.m.
and then he stole from his cousin and went out an traded stuff for 5 grams of heroin.
I begged him to throw it away.
He said that he learned that he could get higher by shooting it. I warned him that there was no way that he could regulate how much he was taking. I begged for him to get out of his room.
He went down and talked to his roommate/landlord. I told him to talk to him and tell him what he was doing. He told him that he had a drug problem. His landlord said he would take him to rehab in the morning.
Dusty got back on the phone with me and said he was going to rehab in the morning.
THANK GOD I said, I had texted his mom and his cousin in the process, because I was so worried.
but he kept using.
I told him that I didn't want for the first time that I saw him in ten years to be at his funeral. I didn't want him to be there in spirit saying, "Damn she looks good, I wish I would have listened."
He cried. I told him how I teach at a school full of girls who don't have their daddies, and how it is not a fun or easy way to grow up.
He said he loved me,
but he kept on using.
ONE LAST HURRAHHH he said. I warned him, I knew that it was a dangerous time because he knew he was going to be without the drug the next day.
I couldn't take it anymore. He was getting off the phone with me periodically to shoot more of the drug.
We had talked about how he was going to move here with me as soon as he was out of rehab and how we would sit on the beach together and hold hands and grow old together. I told him I would raise his girls like they were my own. We talked about having a child of our own.
I got off the phone. I couldn't take it anymore. I just prayed PLEASE GOD Thank you, he only has to make it until tomorrow. He said he'd wake up. He promised. He said he knew when he had had too much. I told him I would die, his mom would die if we had to live without him. He promised he wouldn't do any more and that he'd drink some water. He told me how much he loved me. He thanked me -for being me. When we talked about our dreams and about what he was going to do with the rest of his life he said, "I don't know Chris, maybe I am on this earth to make you happy."
I woke up at 9:52 a.m.
9:53 I got a message from his cousin to call him A.S.A.P.
I called, I thought, OH MY GOSH he's not there! -He ran, where did he go?!
"He's gone" I said, "He Left?!" He said, "No Chris, He is gone. I can't wake him up." I heard the paramedics come in, "Is that him" I heard them say.
NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I finally had my LOVE back. NONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOO He can't be GONE!!!! He promised he would wake up.
He was supposed to be going to rehab that morning, but he went to the morgue instead.
and I did see him.
several days later I spent the $250 to fly up to go to his funeral. The first time I saw him in ten years.
I cried on his collar. I kissed his cold lips.
I will NEVER forgive heroin.