He's gone, and I am so clingy
(Calgary, Alberta, Canada)
My brother passed away on December 27th, 2012, from a skin infection that moved to his blood and eventually shut down all his organs. I talked to him last on Christmas day and he seemed so fine. If only I knew. I would have stayed on the phone longer or called him back that night. He was my best friend and confidante and I feel like I failed him. I feel like I should have been there even though he was out of province. I got so wrapped up in this new love relationship that we barely even talked the weeks and months before he died. I knew he was depressed because of all the health issues, and was lonely because he had just left a year of physical rehab where he was surrounded by people. Yet I was pulling some uncharacteristic tough love thing on him; I was so scared his down mood would wreck my new found lightness that I did not even call him. I waited for him to call me and he never did. Eventually we talked about him about everything. I just wish I had not wasted so much time with my selfishness.
And since he passed I have been so clingy, explosive and sabotaging with my love interest. He wants to be friends now and not even that it seems. He does not respond to my emails and texts and the more quiet he is the needier I get. I am to the point that it feels like it is over and it adds further to my feeling of loss and devastation. I have tried being honest and it helps a bit... but truly I a just desperate now. I feel like my brother abandoned me and now this man. I really don't know what I am supposed to do next. I just want to go away somewhere for a long while and cry and grieve and forget about the guy and everyone for awhile. I just really wanted to be held and comforted and have not had that from anyone. There is such limited comfort afforded to me from the people around me.
Does the pain ever go away or does it just sit below the surface always waiting to bubble up at the smallest trigger? Why can't I stop this cycle of madness with the man? I just push him further and further away. I feel like a stalker. I feel like I am being punished. I feel overwhelmed by all of it.
So now what? I have been asking myself that question since the day he died. And no answers come. Everything I do seems so inconsequential.