He's gone, and I am so clingy

by Maggie-May
(Calgary, Alberta, Canada)

My brother passed away on December 27th, 2012, from a skin infection that moved to his blood and eventually shut down all his organs. I talked to him last on Christmas day and he seemed so fine. If only I knew. I would have stayed on the phone longer or called him back that night. He was my best friend and confidante and I feel like I failed him. I feel like I should have been there even though he was out of province. I got so wrapped up in this new love relationship that we barely even talked the weeks and months before he died. I knew he was depressed because of all the health issues, and was lonely because he had just left a year of physical rehab where he was surrounded by people. Yet I was pulling some uncharacteristic tough love thing on him; I was so scared his down mood would wreck my new found lightness that I did not even call him. I waited for him to call me and he never did. Eventually we talked about him about everything. I just wish I had not wasted so much time with my selfishness.
And since he passed I have been so clingy, explosive and sabotaging with my love interest. He wants to be friends now and not even that it seems. He does not respond to my emails and texts and the more quiet he is the needier I get. I am to the point that it feels like it is over and it adds further to my feeling of loss and devastation. I have tried being honest and it helps a bit... but truly I a just desperate now. I feel like my brother abandoned me and now this man. I really don't know what I am supposed to do next. I just want to go away somewhere for a long while and cry and grieve and forget about the guy and everyone for awhile. I just really wanted to be held and comforted and have not had that from anyone. There is such limited comfort afforded to me from the people around me.
Does the pain ever go away or does it just sit below the surface always waiting to bubble up at the smallest trigger? Why can't I stop this cycle of madness with the man? I just push him further and further away. I feel like a stalker. I feel like I am being punished. I feel overwhelmed by all of it.
So now what? I have been asking myself that question since the day he died. And no answers come. Everything I do seems so inconsequential.

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Feb 26, 2013
thank you for sharing
by: maggie-may

I can not imagine what it must be like, at 17, to lose your older brother. I grapple with it at 38 years old. I am so glad you shared. It gives me a lot of perspective. I am grateful I had more years than my first 17 with him. And I know how you fgeel, I would take the teasing torment right this second just to have him back. I still cannot believe it either. I want to call him. Everyday I just want to call him to help me go through life. We spent our lives totgether this way, on the phone. Sharing, caring, carrying each others burdens. And for me he was my hero; and a dad in a way. He'd tell me how proud he was of me. And now what? I don't know. I don't know who is going to tell me they are proud of me, that they love me and miss me. He did evertime we talked. I don't want to grow up without him either. I know that must sound odd coming from a 38 year old woman. But really I still have so much growing up to do and he was helping me through it. I have some step brothers, but we are not close and they are not deep like Jeff was. Today is particularly hard, and you have reminded me that there are others out there who feel just as alone and maybe don't have as much life experience to cope. I thank you for that, and invite you to share anytime you need to talk. Iwill be here for you. YOur brother sounds a lot like me... likes to have all kinds of crazy fun. I can appreciate that. I have no doubt you miss it tremendously. I am thinking of you.... hugs and love, me.

Feb 24, 2013
sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

Hi , I'm 17 years old and lost my 27 year old brother in jan 2012. He had two little girls and his partner found out she was pregnant to his third beautiful girl three weeks after he passed, it's so hard, especially that he was crazy fun to hang with, like my best friend, but so annoying at the same time and would do anything for him to annoy me again. it's hard because I'm so young and have ages to go if I make it. I have other siblings and without my brother here it just isn't the same, life isn't fun, he made it fun! my brother was addicted to drugs, my family found him on his couch, I was camping at the time. The day after his death my other big brother called me and he was talking strangely asking where mum is, he knew I didn't know once I answered. he paused for 30 seconds and then said " you know he's gone right?" I just thought , your an idiot, he's not gone and just paused , didn't know what to think and hung up. it still hasn't hit me, I still feel as if he's at his house. I'm scared to grow up without him and it's so strange without him here. ever since he died I notice nearly every death and I really look into it now, before he died I didn't notice at all.. Ive worked in pharmacy since I was 15 and will continue to find out about tablets to realise how my brother died. we weren't allowed to view his body because the drugs affected it to much that he would look like a completely different person. I saw my brother a few days before he died, he was laughing and smiling with me, it's weird knowing they are fine then a few days later their gone. Every second counts in life... thank you for listening. I feel a lot better talking about it.

Feb 19, 2013
I know how you feel
by: A Kindred Soul

Dearest Maggie-May,

I feel your pain and I know exactly how you feel since I lost my only brother recently. It's your right to grieve. Cry as much as you want, but please do not feel guilty about failing your brother. You did not fail him and I'm sure he did not want you to drop everything in your life and be with him. I think he understood what you were going through. What's important right now is YOU. I promise you that you will feel better each day. I know it's awful and you feel sad, lonely, and abandoned. I know it's easy to say but you must start doing things that your brother wants you to do. We all here have something to relate to-we all are broken to some degree. But, it's not the end. I am assuming that you're still young, and believe me, life has so much to offer. Coming back to life is like taking baby steps, so take your time and grieve properly.

Feb 16, 2013
Dear Maggie-May,
by: Pat

I read your latest post about your decision to leave your new relationship. I commend you for that, but I also know it was not an easy decision. Someday, you will meet a man who wants to be with you because of who you are and will be there for you through all the good times and the bad just like the marriage vows say, "in sickness and in health..." I am sure your brother is watching over you and is proud of your decision. I had to do the same thing nearly 30 years ago. My husband was so self-absorbed that he forgot about me. When I did something he didn't like or didn't agree with, he would slap me. I had to get out of that marriage. My ex was absolutely nothing like my dear brother. Since my divorce, I have no longer had to deal with a man who did not know what unconditional love was. Yes, it was a loss. It took me nearly 5 years to adjust to being alone again. But those years also led me to be a much stronger woman. I never had another relationship until Frank, my fiance who died just after my brother died. In between those 2 losses, my father also died. I have lost all of the important men in my life. I keep telling my- self "that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Now, I have to believe it too. Take care, Maggie-May. You are on the road to recovery. Pat

Feb 15, 2013
He's gone, and I am so clingy
by: Doreen U.K.

Maggie May what you are feeling is Raw Grief. Often when someone dies other things around us happen. Relationships go wrong all round us and it feels as if our world is falling apart. Your brother would have loved you unconditionally. I don't think you are being selfish by your involvement in your own life. Even if this meant that people around you were being neglected. WE have boundaries and we keep some relationships close and other's at a distance. WE all need our own space and if we see too much of someone it can be just as bad for us as seeing too little of them. Sadly life is so busy for some people that they don't like things the way they are and are powerless to change things. I would love to see more of my eldest daughter but she has 2 demanding children under 5yrs. and doesn't have a minute to herself. She works for an airline and working 3 days a week Her work is her pleasant break and time for her. WE will always have regrets in life but I think this is all part of our grief. When the dust settles on our grief we will see more clearly all the things we did do for our loved one we have lost.
You would certainly benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. You would gain perspective on what is happening in your world and as painful as it is you will eventually move into a happier frame of mind. Too much is going on for you just now with the loss of your brother and your relationship that is fractured. You don't know which way to turn and it is driving you mad going round in circles. You won't regret seeing a counsellor. You will get your life back in time. To lose someone as close as a sibling is one of the worst pains we can ever go through. It is very painful. But it will get better in time. You won't always feel this way. But it is a long slow painful journey we take one day at a time. I hope you have loving supportive family and friends to help you through this valley of sorrow. Don't give up hope of better days ahead.

Feb 15, 2013
We will make it one day at a time
by: Sheri Bullion Enfield

I feel your pain I lost my brother Mike bullion on january 11, 2013 and I felt the same way I should had been a better sister, because I wasn't there for him either. I believe we were not there for a reason they do not want us to remember them as being sick they want us to remember them as they were before and we didn't talk all the time but when we did it was always a wonderful conversation just know that we have a special connection with them do to sharing parents and most of our life with them. and if you ask your brother to wrap his arms around you and hold you up and make you strong he will mine has done that for me alot this last month. the loss of a brother is a pain that only we can understand and know that we will cry and feel like we can't go on but we will and we will honor them by remembering all the good times as kids and we have to share our memories because we have the ones that we don't share with anyone but them and that helps me through this. When you think of him try to smile and remember how he was before and not when he was sick. we are stronger than we think and will make it through this together with wonderful people on here who help us get through with there love. this is a group i never thought i would belong to but thank god I have all of you when I am down I come here and try to help someone else breath through the day and maybe smile. So know you have all of us and if you need someone to talk to go to facebook and friend me I will do my best to help you if you will do your best to help me when I am down too. Our angels are all together and we are too.

Feb 15, 2013
hug
by: Maggi

A hug from God is just what I need right now. thank you for reminding me I can always turn to Him.

Feb 15, 2013
thank you
by: Maggie-May

Oh Pat, thank you for your words of support. What you say is true on all fronts. I know my brother loved me very much and would want me to have no regrets. I have been fighting accepting his loss so much and I have finally let go... and the tears have begun again. I think this is the healthy way to walk through it.
As for the man... I have come to terms with exactly what you have said. He is not here for me; all I wanted was to be held and comforted and that was not something he could give. I need that in a partner and I know my brother would want me to have that. It hurts but I am walking away from this man. It hurts terribly, another loss. I know in the long run it will make me healthier, stronger.
Jeff, my brother, and I used to hold hands and sing in the car. this morning I sang to him on the way to work. I cried, alot, and talked to him; and you are right, he was there with me to take care of me, and that is all I can ask.
thank you Pat for your support. I hope you will stay in touch.

Feb 15, 2013
Dear Maggie-May
by: Pat

Dear heart, I feel your pain and I send you lots of hugs. We all have to comfort each other because we are all going through the same thing. Grief does strange things to us and it is different for each one of us. Ruminating over should-have, could-have things will not bring your dear brother back. I am sure he knew you loved and cared about him. It sounds like you were close. And, now, you feel your new love slipping away. Some men cannot deal with emotional issues. If he could not be with you through your time of grief, it is possible that your relationship was not meant to be. Love means in good times and bad. I don't think you want to be with a man who cannot give you comfort in your darkest days. Life sends us all kinds of losses. There will be more for all of us. Look to your God, whoever He might be and He will give you peace and comfort. You will find your way out of this and, in time, you will find a new relationship with someone who knows the real meaning of love.

I am missing my own brother and my fiance on this Valentine's Day, but I have been feeling hugs from both of them today. Their spirits are hovering over me. I'm sure your brother is with you too. Reach out to members of a grief support group. They understand and they are full of hugs. Take care, my friend. Let me know how you are. Pat

Feb 15, 2013
God has arms, too.
by: Anonymous

We just can't see them but He does put them around us when we ask Him to and, I do think that somedays I feel them. When I have been at my lowest over losing the love of my life, unable to catch my breath in the middle of the tears, I asked God to please comfort me. And, suddenly, a sense of calmness would come over me and I was able to fall asleep. No arms here in this Fallen Earth can bring that heavenly comfort. Maybe, you just need a hug from God right now?

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