He's Gone. Forever.
About 3 months ago, I lost the only man I'll ever deeply love. It was a different kind of love, nothing like I've ever experienced before. I was so happy with him because of his childlike happiness and crazy tactics. He always found the positive things and the innocent joy in seemingly serious situations. He made so happy that I saw rainbows and sunshine when I was with him.
Later on, when life was sailing smoothly, I noticed that he was becoming serious with work. He spent more time in work, was always tired, and had so many excuses not to spend time with me. I was confused, angry, and became more demanding. The more I demanded, the more he became mad.
Then I discovered from friends that I was not his priority. For him, he wanted to earn money first, save enough to buy a house and lot, put a shop and a business, then maybe think of settling down.
He processed his papers to work as a welder in Australia. All the time I was hoping that he would probably change his mind and realize that I was also part of his life, and that saving money was part of both of our plans. But to him, he only wanted to do that by himself. I didn't find the security and the assurance that I needed in that relationship so I broke up with him.
After a day of breaking up, he bargained with me and said that he did not want to lose me. But he did nothing about it. We became close friends again but still acted like a couple. I later realized I have also made mistakes in the relationship and wanted to make things work. After that, he finally changed and started being mean to me. Then he started pushing me away, saying that I was just making a fool out of him, first rejecting him, then wanting him back. He started spending more time away. When I called, he didn't answer. When I wanted to talk, he had so many excuses. I did everything I could to make him come back, surprise dinners, kind gestures, everything within my power. The more I said sorry and more effort I did, the more he resisted. He said he didn't want to communicate with me. He said he needed time to process things before we could just get back together.
So I stopped communicating and forced myself to forget him. I grieved for three weeks. I couldn't eat, work, and sleep well. After that, I told myself I had to be stronger.
When I came back, he saw me stronger and more happy and he said he wanted to get back with me again. This time, I showed him I didn't feel anything toward him, I said I needed time and space although I was lying to myself because I knew I wanted him. He told me all the sweet things that convinced me that he wanted me. My resistance gave way when I finally found out that he was leaving for Australia. We became close again for a few days and sort of acted like a couple.
After one particular night, we had a fight because I asked him if he slept around when I was away. I saw pictures of him and another girl. But he never answered my question. And my doubts began rising. I never felt any assurance from him. Instead he was mad because I had to bring up the past. Before I said goodbye in the airport, we had one last talk. I asked him if there was any future for us. He said he wanted it to work out but he couldn't give me assurance of anything. He said that only time would tell.
My heart was aching so bad because I was hoping he would say that we would work things out even through distance, but I never heard any single assurance from him. He had a 5-year contract in Australia. I told him that was the last I would see him. Though my heart aches for a lost of a love, I will be stronger and hopefully one day prove to him that this is not my loss. It is HIS loss.