he's gone, I'm sooooo lonely

by Donna
(Texas)

My horrible nightmare started 6 months ago tomorrow. I miss Bryan so much, that's all I can think about now days. I was doing kinda ok until October, I had quit crying constantly, was only breaking down about 20 to 30 times a day. But now it's like it all happened yesterday.

I tried so hard to resuscitate him. I don't know how long it was before that damn ambulance got here, it seemed like forever. My daughter and her boyfriend were there trying to help me and told me afterward that he had already passed they just didn't have the heart to tell me. So I continued to do cpr on him until the ambulance got here. My daughter and her boyfriend said that if they ever need cpr that they wanted me to be the one to give it because if cpr could have brought him back to us then he would still be here. I got almost all of the death out of him, it was black and just wouldn't stop coming up.

It was absolutely the most horrible thing that I have ever been through or will ever go through in this lifetime. I hope that when all of the anniversaries and holidays are over that I will be able to continue on this unwanted, horrible journey that I have been thrust into. Right now it has come to a screeching halt. It will be a hard lonely journey I know, but I must do it for my children and grandchildren.

I have to teach the grandbabies all about grandpa and try and do and teach the things that grandpa would normally do. It's back to trying to forge a new NORMAL, but I don't want it. I'm just so lonely, so lonely. I LOVE YOU BRYAN, I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH. Gotta go my keyboard is drowning again. So again I go one step one breath one day at a time until I am with you again