he's gone, I'm sooooo lonely

by Donna
(Texas)

My horrible nightmare started 6 months ago tomorrow. I miss Bryan so much, that's all I can think about now days. I was doing kinda ok until October, I had quit crying constantly, was only breaking down about 20 to 30 times a day. But now it's like it all happened yesterday.

I tried so hard to resuscitate him. I don't know how long it was before that damn ambulance got here, it seemed like forever. My daughter and her boyfriend were there trying to help me and told me afterward that he had already passed they just didn't have the heart to tell me. So I continued to do cpr on him until the ambulance got here. My daughter and her boyfriend said that if they ever need cpr that they wanted me to be the one to give it because if cpr could have brought him back to us then he would still be here. I got almost all of the death out of him, it was black and just wouldn't stop coming up.

It was absolutely the most horrible thing that I have ever been through or will ever go through in this lifetime. I hope that when all of the anniversaries and holidays are over that I will be able to continue on this unwanted, horrible journey that I have been thrust into. Right now it has come to a screeching halt. It will be a hard lonely journey I know, but I must do it for my children and grandchildren.

I have to teach the grandbabies all about grandpa and try and do and teach the things that grandpa would normally do. It's back to trying to forge a new NORMAL, but I don't want it. I'm just so lonely, so lonely. I LOVE YOU BRYAN, I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH. Gotta go my keyboard is drowning again. So again I go one step one breath one day at a time until I am with you again

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Jan 23, 2011
Me too...
by: Anonymous

Donna,

I know how awful it is to replay the movie in our minds from the last day. And it doesn't disappear but we are eventually able to focus our thoughts elsewhere. Somewhere that does not hurt as bad, does not crash us back to the first day of grief.

It is hard in the beginning and mid way through that first year. As the first year rounds you think well I made it...I am done, crossed that finish line. In truth it is widowhood part II.

You now have to piece your life together and make some kind of sense of it. We all do it different ways. Some do what they have always wanted to do, Listen to different music. Just do things that they/we might have always been interested in. I am not going to lie, it is hard. I still see movies that he would have liked and reach for them. But it is finding ourselves that begins the healing process. I am not for certain who I am without him.

It is like testing the waters, But hopefully we all will learn more about ourselves and chance trying out new things, new experiences and our lives will begin to unfold.

And head into some type of direction, at least that is what I am hoping for as I stumble along life's path...
HH

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