His Heart Stopped Now Mine is Broken

by Patricia Jones
(Lake Villa, IL USA)

My wonderful husband just passed away on December 3rd. He was on the UNOS list for cardiac transplant but that dream was not to be. We all had such hope right up to the last day. He fought so desperately to live to see his wonderful grandsons grow up. He had three major surgeries in the past two years and I guess his body just wore out. I'm so lost and alone right now. I've had four different people in the past few weeks tell me he was the best friend they ever had in their life. He was mine too. I know he's in heaven with his family and friends that preceded him and I just have to keep asking God for daily strength.

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Dec 19, 2010
Grief, God and friends
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Patricia - first of all don't worry about your friend's comments. They do not get it, and will not until they lose a spouse. It is impossible to imagine or sympathize until you have been there.

And I reckon that having faith doesn't mean that you don't grieve, or that you have to feel guilty when you do. I pray everyday for peace, and that seems to take the edge off of the grief for some of the time, but not all of the time. God understands when we collapse in a heap crying ten times a day, or when we are so lethargic that we can't get motivated to do anything. It is OK, and it is normal, and (Christian or not) from what I've read it is something that we have to go through in order to get through to the other side.

My 17-year-old son and I have gone away to Australia for Christmas - my family is here and i figured maybe i could escape some of the pain if I didn't have Christmas at home. Good idea, but not working completely. Even though he didn't visit here with me very often, old memories of Jim keep popping into my head.

So escaping isn't really working. The sadness, the black cloud, doesn't disappear - but I find that sometimes I can move it to the edge of my consciousness for short periods. Some days are bad, but the next day is usually better, and knowing that helps me get through the really down times.

We will get through this, to a point where we can think about those memories and they won't bring pain.

So don't push yourself to do anything you don't want to do at the moment, just do what you have to do to get through this time. And when things get really tough, just work on one breath, one step at a time.

take care, Lyn Ann

Dec 18, 2010
by: PAT J

I tried to do some Christmas shopping today and had a total and complete melt down at the mall. I've never experienced these feelings before. I'm alone and afraid. I could always face anything with my husband by my side. As you said, it was a complete emotional roller coaster ride. Life in limbo as I called it. Waiting....Waiting....and waiting some more.

Some days his color looked so good, other days he could barely breathe and was completely ashen. One of my friends said, "Look at how Joe suffered for the last three years, for what?" For every minute that we could be together. None of my friends have lost their spouses yet so they don't understand what I'm going through.

Thank you for your kind words. I need this website desperately. I have a strong faith but the pain just seems unbearable right now. Then I ask myself, "Am I questioning God's will by feeling all this pain?" It's all very confusing.

Dec 17, 2010
I'm there too
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Patricia -
I lost my husband Jim on November 20 2010. He had cancer diagnosed in May of this year, and like you we had so much hope... maybe not for years and years but at least a couple, eh? At least another Christmas, another birthday - in our case long enough to see out 17 year old son graduate from high school...

It was not to be - and I'm guessing that like me you were on a roller coaster of emotions while he was sick - one day hopeful, another day terrified, and always the nagging thought of 'the worst' hanging in the background.

In some ways wishing it would end, but then feeling awful and guilty because you knew the implications of that.

But this website helps so much. Not only are we all grieving, but as you read through the messages from others you will find a small group of us that have just experienced our terrible losses within the last month and are in exactly the same place as you are. We are all sort of holding hands and just crying together. But we are together and that means so much.

It is unbelievably hard. awesomely hard. Harder than we think we can stand. but then we are still here the next day, and the next day. And reading the other blogs you will see that we also survive through the year... through two years...

And eventually we will come through this - not the same person but a wiser person, a better person.

I'll add you to my prayer list. I pray for all of us - that we get what we need when we really need it -this has happened for me so many times - and for peace. For peace. Lyn Ann

Dec 17, 2010
One moment at a time...

You have been so strong for 2 years or more. I know that you need a different strength now and it will come but it would seem not when you need it. The strength is within you and just try to get through a breath at a time.

Keep reading, keep writing, the people here are wonderful and I have leaned on them heavily getting through this past year without my Love.
We have a saying here, one step one breath at a time. It has gotten us through rough patches when we thought I can't do this anymore. Please come back we would love to hear from you and are here 24/7.

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