Hope (continued)

by Annie
(Kentucky)

As I posted last month my husband of 31 years passed away on December 21, 2010. After my post, I lost my 13 year old dog who I have had since she was 7 weeks old. So I received a double blow.

In the last almost four months I have made progress by meeting my grief head on. I decided I would take on and go through this grief like I have had to do with all my life's ups and downs. It has not been easy doing this but I needed to fight as hard as I could to survive. I decided it was okay to stay in bed all day, it was okay to cry in public, it was okay not to answer the phone if I didn't feel like it, and that the only person who could help me get "well" was me. I gave myself permission (without feeling guilty) to realize that this was about me now. Because of this site, my grief counselor and reading every grief book I could get my hands on, I am starting to fight my way out of the dark, panic-filled, empty tunnel I was in. Don't get me wrong--I am very lonely and get those waves but most days I am up and moving and feeling some peace and hope.

As I am writing this, my last family member (my 11 year old dog Toby) left in my household is going through surgery. All I can do is hope for good results. Thank you all for giving me a place to write down what I need to say and being a family to me.

Annie

Comments for Hope (continued)

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Apr 17, 2011
Hope
by: Anonymous

Annie,
Your story and mine are almost identical. My husband of 31 years passed on 12/18/2010 just 4 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Our 13 year old dog passed 3 weeks before my husband. Talk about a double whammy. We had no children so the dog was our baby.
So I am now at the 4 month mark with an empty household. I get up and work each day. I too feel that the way to get through my grief is to allow myself to put myself first.
So if a friend or coworker or relative ask how things are going and I have had a lousy day I tell them I had a lousy day. I refuse to sugarcoat my feelings to protect others from feeling uncomfortable. If I pretend that everything is going along OK after only 4 months then people will expect that I am OK and then I will have to suppress my grief around others rather than deal with it. The people in your life that truly care how we feel will continue to ask and will continue to listen to our lousy days as well as our good days.
Losing a spouse is uncharted territory for us, so we should do what feels right for us and not expect too much from ourselves.
You are so right that we have to allow ourselves to do whatever feels right for us personally each day and each moment.
Prayers for everyone on this site as we go through this journey.

Apr 15, 2011
We'll Get Through
by: TrishJ

Annie~
I lost my husband of 37 years on December 3, 2010. We are in the same place with our grief journey. You are so right. It is what we make of it. If we let the grief consume us it will. If we try our very best, take it day by day, we will get through.
I too have joined a grief support group. I'm reading grief books until my eyes get blurry. I'm trying to heal a lot of old wounds ~ now is the time in my life that I can do that.
We become what we think. If we think doom and gloom that is what our life becomes. Some days are still doom and gloom but they are becoming less and less. I know there are still some rough days ahead ~ birthdays and anniversaries still to come ~ but we have to stay strong.
I hope all goes will with your pet's surgery. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.
PJ

Apr 15, 2011
hope (continued)
by: jules

Keep on going - you are on a path, there are lots of offroads on this path, but you will always come back to the right path. The loneliness is what I feel the most - I miss by darling, I miss what we had together. But I will keep on my path as well, sometimes I meander down side roads, sometimes I allow myself to do just what I want to do - but I always come back to the right path.

I know I will make it, and I know you will too.
every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Apr 14, 2011
Hope
by:

Annie,

Keep working your way through grief but don't rush it. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders but this is raw emotion here and all of us try to pass through it taking the good and bad that comes. This is not a 1-2-3 kind of thing. Grief throws you back and forth so often that you feel you are on some surreal ride that you beg to be let off of.

I do know that after such an ordeal, not only will we never be the same. We also will never take life for granted and will see things through new eyes. If there is any good to be learned from it, it is that.

Everyone uses the phrase life if short but those have lost the very center of their life understand it well. Our life part 2...What do we want to do with it? One day we might embrace this as a new independence instead of a survivors hell. We can do as we please and choose where our life will lead to from this day forward.
HH

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