Hope for my Future
(Lansing, IL USA)
August 29, 2011 my husband was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. He wasn’t alone. He had another woman on the back of the bike. She lived. I had been married for 31 years. The last 6 years we had been separated due to his infidelity at that time. We were going to put an offer on a house the day he died. It wasn’t meant to be.
I will always love my husband. He knew that. He loved me. I knew that. We just couldn’t always communicate our love or anything else. He had many good qualities, however, many bad qualities. The worst was his negative controlling behavior. He was a narcissist with a capital N. During our separation, I lost my strength to fight for a divorce and was once again going to dive back into this difficult relationship. I had forgiven him, and finally learned to accept him as he was. Even though I had a lot of anxiety about getting back together, I decided that it was better than being alone. I was longing for what we once had and I missed our home together. I thought that I had to try harder and I could make it work. I had spent the weekend before he died doing things with him. We were house hunting. We took our granddaughter out with us to eat. We went to our grandson’s football game. I actually had a good time and even mentioned it to one of my friends that he seemed happy. This must be where I am supposed to be. Monday he died.
It has been 8 months since he died. I am a healthcare professional and I thought I knew all about the stages of grief. I lost my father 7 years ago. I went through the grief stages when we separated. But this is worse. The rollercoaster ride hit bottom again, and I was feeling that I must really be depressed because I should be done with this by now. Then I read on this website that commonly 8 months after the death, the sadness and loneliness returns and may be worse. What a relief! I am not going crazy and I am really normal! I have taken a FMLA from work because I felt I was losing touch and I have to work on me. I am not bragging, but I am so relieved that I am right on track. I have to accept the grief, the pain, the sorrow, and then I will be able to move on. I was fighting it, trying to be strong, and hiding my feelings from others. Now I can be open and know I am healing. This is the normal process, and I need to give myself the time to heal.
My husband’s death and life are so complicated. So this grief process seems more complicated too. I am sure many others have worse circumstances than I have, but this is what I have to deal with now. I want to know happiness again. I want to live, to love, and be loved. I believe that God will guide me on my journey. I have faith. I have been looking at grief as the enemy. It didn’t make me feel good so why wouldn’t I try to push it away? I am now learning and trying to accept that “grief is my friend and it will guide me eventually and surely back to life.” God give me the strength that I need to survive!