Hope for my Future

by Cheryl
(Lansing, IL USA)

August 29, 2011 my husband was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. He wasn’t alone. He had another woman on the back of the bike. She lived. I had been married for 31 years. The last 6 years we had been separated due to his infidelity at that time. We were going to put an offer on a house the day he died. It wasn’t meant to be.
I will always love my husband. He knew that. He loved me. I knew that. We just couldn’t always communicate our love or anything else. He had many good qualities, however, many bad qualities. The worst was his negative controlling behavior. He was a narcissist with a capital N. During our separation, I lost my strength to fight for a divorce and was once again going to dive back into this difficult relationship. I had forgiven him, and finally learned to accept him as he was. Even though I had a lot of anxiety about getting back together, I decided that it was better than being alone. I was longing for what we once had and I missed our home together. I thought that I had to try harder and I could make it work. I had spent the weekend before he died doing things with him. We were house hunting. We took our granddaughter out with us to eat. We went to our grandson’s football game. I actually had a good time and even mentioned it to one of my friends that he seemed happy. This must be where I am supposed to be. Monday he died.
It has been 8 months since he died. I am a healthcare professional and I thought I knew all about the stages of grief. I lost my father 7 years ago. I went through the grief stages when we separated. But this is worse. The rollercoaster ride hit bottom again, and I was feeling that I must really be depressed because I should be done with this by now. Then I read on this website that commonly 8 months after the death, the sadness and loneliness returns and may be worse. What a relief! I am not going crazy and I am really normal! I have taken a FMLA from work because I felt I was losing touch and I have to work on me. I am not bragging, but I am so relieved that I am right on track. I have to accept the grief, the pain, the sorrow, and then I will be able to move on. I was fighting it, trying to be strong, and hiding my feelings from others. Now I can be open and know I am healing. This is the normal process, and I need to give myself the time to heal.
My husband’s death and life are so complicated. So this grief process seems more complicated too. I am sure many others have worse circumstances than I have, but this is what I have to deal with now. I want to know happiness again. I want to live, to love, and be loved. I believe that God will guide me on my journey. I have faith. I have been looking at grief as the enemy. It didn’t make me feel good so why wouldn’t I try to push it away? I am now learning and trying to accept that “grief is my friend and it will guide me eventually and surely back to life.” God give me the strength that I need to survive!

Comments for Hope for my Future

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May 24, 2012
by: Megan

I did notice that many widows turn their husband's into "saints" after they have passed. Perhaps that's the way they tell themselves it's okay to grieve as long as they do. I'm sure, eventually, when they're alone, the truthful memories remind them of the not so good things as well. Grief over the loss of a husband can be very confusing. One step at a time. Getting angry is human and necessary, but forgiveness and being able to understand that we ALL fall short is even more important. I did have a full day of yelling at and cursing at my deceased husband for heck he had put me through so long ago. I got so angry for being abandoned. Life was easier when he was here with me. I've survived 2 years now without him, and see that the pain does slowly subside and life goes on...until it's our turn !!!

May 23, 2012
by: Cheryl

Thanks for the encouragement and words of comfort. Ihave been attending a grief support group for a while now and it is hard to listen to all these spouses tell of their wonderful relationships. They hurt so bad too. But I have been hurting for a long timewith all the ups and downs of the marriage. I thought that was bad, but nope, it got worse. Bu I am a survivor and this blog and your comments help me accept what I had and I have to hold on to the good memories. You understand how difficult me marriages can be and aren't afraid to discuss these problems with marriage. Thanks again....friend! And yes I have been journaling and it does get a lot of my anger out!

May 15, 2012
by: TrishJ

Marriages are never perfect. I think we have a lot in common. I too am a health care professional. In our 37 year marriage I seem to remember a motorcycle accident where my husband had a different woman on the back of his bike. They both escaped with minor injuries. His worst nightmare was when he got home that night.
Grief is a funny thing. Please don't make the mistake I made and think that making it through the first year somehow brings instant relief to the pain. That didn't happen with me. Some days I think it actually gets worse. I think we are in survival mode for the first 12 months. Just going on auto pilot really.
I read something that another widow wrote once, "Please don't judge my marriage. Maybe my husband could be a scum bag at times but he was my scum bag." I think a lot of my friends feel like I should be happy to be rid of my husband. That only makes me mad. He was mine. I chose to stay with him because I loved him and I know he loved me. I don't think there are very many marriages that escape infidelity. Men are just wired differently than women and they just don't realize that it's all they put us through that totally makes us not want to be that "WH*RE" in bed at the end of the day. You know....a lady in the parlor and a _____ in the bedroom. There are women out there just ready to pounce on a married man and do all the things a wife doesn't even want to do anymore. They have such low self esteem that they'll do anything for a man. Pathetic really. At the end of the day the wife is who they genuinely love. If the woman can take it the marriage survives.
Don't try to rush the grief process. We have to go through all the feelings. My anger phase was a doozy. All 37 years came out that month. I wrote my thoughts on my lap top until I almost wore out the key board. Everything that had ever made me mad came out but it was very healing.
I still don't feel ready to move on and I guess that's OK. I feel comfortable with who I am and that's what counts.
Take it one day at a time. Don't feel guilty for anything. We are human.
I hope you find some happiness in your day and your grief journey brings you where you want to be. God bless.
I live in Illinois TOO!!

May 14, 2012
by: Anonymous

Yes, may God give you strength when the going gets rough. Just please always remember that it's like a wave...and the bad feelings will pass. The ONLY thing that lasts forever is LOVE.

May God give me the strength to remember that when I start feeling down too ! FAITH - FAITH - FAITH !

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