Hope Survives

by Vickie
(Modesto, Ca)

Hi my name is Vickie, and I lost my twenty-six yr.old daughter two yr's ago in an awful car accident. I came here to this site because I am looking to find support and for the understanding that only those who have lost a child...can give. I did join another grief site about a month after my daughter died but I found that I was only feeling more depressed and sad after being there that I quit. I found many of the parents to be more in need of help I felt of a therapist-almost suicidal. Please do not misunderstand me-I realize the depths of their pain, of all of us who have suffered the ultimate loss. I know just talking about your child can be very helpful but I needed to grieve and at that time I felt it wasn't healthy for myself.
Now here I am a little over two yr's since I lost my beautiful girl and I am still breathing, working, and mostly sane. That night when I went to the site where my daughters accident was and I waited all through the night for them to pull her and her car up from the water treatment plant/pond- I didn't think I would get through the next day, or the next week. I kept thinking to myself how many times I had told myself, if I ever lost one of my girls I would Die! I had heard other people in my life say the same thing but you don't...You want to, you wish you would because then this horrible nightmare would be over. You would be able to see your child again. Hold them and hug them...never let go of them. I stayed off work for three weeks and decided I would be better working. I work with special needs children and I found it was better therapy than just sitting at home. Some days it took all my strength not to burst into tears. I wanted to just cry and there were times I did. I would be in the supermarket and just feel the tears pouring down my face. I managed to get through the holidays. She died in late Sept. She left behind a beautiful five yr. old daughter and it was often the thought of her and her loss, the greatest of all, that kept me going. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and now..it has been two yr's. Two yr's ago I would have never believed I would be able to write this. Is life as it once was? No, it never will be. Do I miss my daughter? Like crazy each and every day. Do I ache so much that I want to give up? Yes, but not as often. Am I happy? I am finding that I can laugh more and that I have more better days than bad ones. I just want to tell those of you who especially who have recently lost your son or daughter, it will get better. You just have to take it day by day, or hour by hour, or at the pace that works for you. Life will Never be the same for me or my family, but we are trying to find a way to do more than just muddle through the pain. I hope peace will be with all of you. Thank you, Vickie

Comments for Hope Survives

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Oct 31, 2011
Love never fades
by: Vickie

Lesley, I read your comment that you posted after reading my blog. I am very sorry for the loss of your son. Please do not think for one moment that I do not understand the magnitude of pain that you and all of us who have lost children endure. Everyone moves and grieves, and heals at 'their' own pace. My pain will Never be gone but I want other parents who have lost their children to know, or at least feel there is Hope to have some happiness again in your life. For me it is like the worse wound you could have and gradually...it slowly starts to heal. But you will Always have a scar from that wound. I would give anything to have my daughter again..but I can't. I have to live the best life I can. As one person mentioned in another blog-it would be even more tragic not to. Again I am so sorry for your loss. May peace be with you.

Oct 31, 2011
My Little Leedon
by: Lesley Couzens (South Africa)

Hi Vickie,
Hope does survive, although it takes many years to learn to cope with the grief. My son, Leedon, was killed in August 2008 and I still am trying to come to terms with his death. I also joined a group for Mothers that have lost a child. children, we call ourselves "Angel Mum's". I tried to take my own life a year after he was killed as I was desperate to see him, hold him and talk to him again. The pain never goes away and I have found that the pain is worse as the years go by. I found it very difficult this year (3 years) especially on his birthday and with Christmas coming up. I miss him every day and love him beyond measure, the love for your child never ever fades it just gets so much stronger. I talk to him every day, which helps a little, but if truth be told I would give anything just to look at his beautiful face and kiss his cheeck one more time. The pain I feel is like a knife permanently ground into my heart, people do not understand that the pain is actually real and it is physical and not in our minds. I must confess that this is the most agonizing pain I have ever experienced. I did not get to say goodbye which I think is the hardest thing for parents. I always like to think that he is just one breath and one heartbeat away and when I see him again it will be the most joyous feeling ever. Forever in my heart, my Angel in Heaven.

Oct 30, 2011
Hope Survives
by:

Vickie,

I read your response to Patricia. You explained how the 2nd year is harder than the first and I would like to thank you for putting it into words. You explain the feelings of grief and help me to understand why I feel "weak" heading toward the 2 year mark of my loss. It is as if I am reeling backwards falling into an abyss of loneliness and sorrow. How could I have survived without My Love for 2 years? How can I do this yet I am. It is what it, is is a stark way of explaining it. My Life your life our life without the very person that made our life complete. I wish you well on this long road of grief. Know that we are here anytime you want to talk and remember as always one breath one step at a time...
HH

Oct 29, 2011
Hope survives
by: M Mack

Vickie,

I did not loose a child but I can testify to overwhelming grief when I lost the love of my life. My heart still aches 13 months later. Loosing a child has to be worse. The life was young, not even seasoned as a parent. Missed opportunities and life experiences....all of lifes ups and downs never lived.

This is a wonderful site and you have come to the right place. We are all uncomfortable with our grief and each loss is different. So come here as often ad you need to vent, have a good cry and know you are never alone. God Bless and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Oct 29, 2011
No Pain Like It
by: Sara in Texas

Yes, there is no pain greater than the loss of a child. I lost my only child. my baby boy in June 2011. The pain on some days is hard to bare but I have to keep going now that I am raising his 2 girls without him. I still can't grasp that he is gone some days, but slowly I am coming to terms with it. I am sorry for you loss, only someone in the same situation can fully understand.

Oct 29, 2011
Son
by: Elaine

Vickie....Your comments touched me. My son was killed instantly in a skidoo accident 2 months ago. He was almost 39. I'm thankful he experienced love, marriage, and children. Just when I think I have a handle on the grief, something triggers tears and today I had a complete melt down. I don't think people really get how I feel. I'm functioning well, and at times I'm happy and laughing, but the next minute I think about how it felt to be pregnant and how he smelled as a baby and how he smiled and tears start. People with good intentions only cause me more pain. I just wish they would let me talk about my son when I feel like it and not interrogate me. Someone who learned of my son's death today told me I had to come to terms with it and then went on to tell me about a grandmother losing a grandchild and about people they saw die in war. That was a big help!! I'm almost 60 and some young do gooder thinks they've solved my problem.
I know I'm going to be okay. I will always feel sadness about my son, but I want to be happy and have a full life. My son was a good person. His death was enough loss for me for a life time. My not living a full life would just add to the tragedy and I know he would not that. I just want to be allowed to go through the initial grieving period the way I need. I hate when people say I lost my son. I didn't lose him, he died. I think people are afraid to say the words dead or killed. "Lost" or passed away doesn't lessen the pain. I guess I'm in the angry phase of grief. I have the urge to smack people sometimes and have, verbally. I admit I've felt better when I've been rude to people who make dumb, insensitive comments. Anyway, life goes on, we will all die some day just some of us younger than others. I get some comfort knowing my son won't experience pain or loss and he died having fun. He always loved playing in the water.

Oct 28, 2011
Hope Survies
by: TrishJ

Vickie~
Thank you for your beautiful post. I have not lost a child but I have many friends who have. I have watched over the years as their zest for life just went out of them.
You are a very brave person. I know we are never to question God but life seems so unfair sometimes. It will be a year in 5 weeks that I lost my husband of 37 years. I just turned 58. I am too young to be a widow. It's been hard but I'm dealing with it. I have more good days than bad days. I'm finally able to look at old pictures and relive old memories. I am truly thankful for the wonderful time we had together.
I can't even begin to imagine your pain. That precious child that you carried in your body, gave birth to and nurtured for 26 years is gone. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you will see her again some day. That is what keeps me going.
God bless and I hope you continue to do well. Hold on tight to your precious granddaughter. You have come to the right site. There are a lot of wonderful people here.

Oct 28, 2011
loss of a child...
by: Anonymous

I lost my son almost 15 months ago to leukemia....He was 23 years and 27 days old when he died. He suffered for two years. I held him as he died and I don't think I will ever recover. I work, I function, but I'm always so so sad. It is a bit better at times but this second year has been worse at times because the numbness has worn off and the reality of what "is" has set in. I miss my baby boy. He, along with his siblings, was the light of my life. Now my world is somewhat darker. I go to The Compassionate Friends meetings and thank God they are there for me. I need the release of talking about my son with the feeling that the person I'm talking to really cares. Every parent in that room really listens and they really "get it". What a sad bunch we are.....

Oct 28, 2011
Same words same thoughts
by: kay

Vickie
I read your words through over again and I said almost exactly the same words as you did when grieving for my handsome son Dean . I lost Dean in a car accident in May last year. You are an inspiration to us parents. Your words ring so true. I am going through a rough time at the moment....I think we will all have those times when we just let it build up....then one day it breaks out and emotion takes over....But you are correct.....we are still here.....we do somehow survive.
We will never again be the same people we once were. Our hearts will forever ache for our lost child....although they are never really lost...they live on in our hearts. Sending you love and continued healing from Australia.

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