Hope2

by Annie

Hello to all my friends on this site. First of all I want to thank all of you who have commented on my posts and helped me work through this "madness" called grief. It has been eight months now since I lost Clyde, my husband, my love, and my everything for 31 years. I have gone through this "madness"; met grief head on; gone to individual and group grief sessions; read, posted and commented on this site numerous times; spent time alone getting to know me; lost quite a few friends but also made some amazing new ones; and went through the numbness, anger, the pity parties, the fear and anxiety, and cried enough to fill a swimming pool. I said goodbye to the old me and my old life.

I have put my house on the market and will get back into the job market Monday with my new job. My days are better now with the occasional breakdowns less often. I am still on that roller coaster but it is not so painful that it knocks me to my knees.

There is one problem I do have that maybe all of you can help me with. My heart is gone. I feel like I have had a heart transplant and now I have this mechanical device that keeps the blood pumping. I don't have the intense passion and fire I used to have towards life, love and each day. Don't get me wrong, I smile now, I help people, I live but not as fully as I used to. Is this the new and grown up way of life?

Comments for Hope2

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Sep 06, 2011
Love of my life
by: Pat J

Hope 2,

I also feel like I lost my heart. I feel like part of me died with my husband on June 27,2011.
It isn't even 3 months for me yet, but I oh so know how you feel. My family, including my husbands family has been very supportive of me, but like I tell my sisters-in-law, they spend time with me, but they get to go home to their spouses. I go home alone. I feel so empty. We have 5 adult children who have spouses and 8 grandchildren and yet I feel so lonely. The love of my life is gone. We did everything together. He was a recovered alcoholic and was such a wonderful husband, father and papa. Our first grandchild gave him that name and it just stuck. He always said he was so grateful none of our grandchildren knew the man he was when he drank. He spoiled me in so many ways and I always felt it was his way of trying to make up for those years when he drank. Even the night before he died, we were talking in bed and he brought up the past, telling me what a good woman I was and he was so sorry for those times. I told him, what mattered to me was the man he had been all these years and the past was the past and today is what mattered. Little did I know 24 hrs later he would be gone. He had this massive heart attack and I was standing at the bedside with him. Complete silence, no pain. But the shock of it will be with me for the rest of my life. I feel like I am just going through the motions, faking it until I can make it. I know in my heart I will make it, but, my broken heart will never heal. I do things, but really don't find any enjoyment in doing them. We just go on.

Sep 02, 2011
Starting over, again and again
by: Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

I would not expect you to have a zest for life yet...I am not mocking anyones grief or trying to tell anyone how to grieve. It took me a very long time to even be able to function on a semi normal realm. I felt in a dream like state unable to do much of anything to be quite honest. It is only now as I near the 2nd year mark that I feel as if I am going to make it. Make it through grief surviving what is the worst moment, the worst time of my life.
It is not that I have an appetite for life because of grief. It is that hard as it was I am ready to begin again where it seemed impossible previously.

When I started here and there were people still struggling with grief after the 2nd year I thought there is no way I can go through this for months much less years. I thought that there was some practical way to evolve in grief. But in reality grief rules we merely try to keep up with the ups and downs...The two steps forward one step back. I can only tell you where I am now, only to let you and others know that it is a lot of hard work. Lots of unexpected and expected outburst/meltdowns. I kept a bandanna with me always until recently. Knowing that a memory might assail my mind and force me to spiral back wards to the very place I thought I had evolved from.

Please come here and come here often, It is a safe place where you can rest your weary mind and tell us exactly what you feel even when it is indescribable.
HH

Sep 02, 2011
Starting over, again and again
by: Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

I would not expect you to have a zest for life yet...I am not mocking anyones grief or trying to tell anyone how to grieve. It took me a very long time to even be able to function on a semi normal realm. I felt in a dream like state unable to do much of anything to be quite honest. It is only now as I near the 2nd year mark that I feel as if I am going to make it. Make it through grief surviving what is the worst moment, the worst time of my life.
It is not that I have an appetite for life because of grief. It is that hard as it was I am ready to begin again where it seemed impossible previously.

When I started here and there were people still struggling with grief after the 2nd year I thought there is no way I can go through this for months much less years. I thought that there was some practical way to evolve in grief. But in reality grief rules we merely try to keep up with the ups and downs...The two steps forward one step back. I can only tell you where I am now, only to let you and others know that it is a lot of hard work. Lots of unexpected and expected outburst/meltdowns. I kept a bandanna with me always until recently. Knowing that a memory might assail my mind and force me to spiral back wards to the very place I thought I had evolved from.

Please come here and come here often, It is a safe place where you can rest your weary mind and tell us exactly what you feel even when it is indescribable.
HH

Aug 27, 2011
Yes It Is Madness.........
by: TrishJ

Annie~
Although everyone is telling me I will move on eventually (it's just 9 months for me) I know what I move on to will not be the same. My life will never be what it was. I'm looking forward to the day when I actually feel excited about something again. I feel like there is just a huge void where my heart used to be. What we are going through is like the most damaging injury one can experience. It will take a long time to heal. Once we heal though we won't be back to the 100% we were before we lost our loved one. We never get over it. You're so right. It is madness. Some days it's a manic madness and other days it's a madness we can cope with.
I try to find some happiness in every day. Some days it's hard to do that. Staying in the positive helps. Talking to God helps. As human beings who love we can't avoid the pain when that love is lost.
Hugs and blessings to you. Hang in there.

Aug 27, 2011
Hope Springs Eternal
by: Judith in California

Annie, what you are feeling is called EMPTINESS. I feel it too. No matter how I live my day talking and laughing with my friends and family that feeling creeps in at every moment no one is around.

It's been 11 months for me and it particularly gets worse for me.
Our lives were so full when caring for them . They were our reason for getting up and getting going and now that they are gone we are at a standstill. We are missing a part of us that will never return, a hole in our soul.

Give yourself time and love and be good to yourself now.

Aug 27, 2011
Zest for life...
by: Hope

Annie,

I don't think that losing our hearts, our passion is a rite of passage or growing up. I think that when we lost our Love's we lost part of ourself and we start over. We just are. We begin each day and do our best but part of us did die when they did.

Our appetite for life the thrill of it all will return as we grow and allow this new life to take root. It, like grief takes time and we cannot rush or fake what is not there.

Be patient, I am (trying) and know that I will live the 2nd part of my life as it was meant to be lived. Today I am volunteering at an emergency shelter for hurricane Isabel. It is what I would have done perhaps but in this life part 2 I am doing trying my damnedest to make each day count.

Heading towards the 2 year mark still missing him, Still hurting Yet... Trying ever so hard not to waste what I might have to offer. What I might have to bring to the table so to speak to make my life and the lives around me more ? fulfilling...
HH

Aug 27, 2011
To Hope
by: Anonymous

My only son passed away June 2,2011, he was 31. Since that day I feel like an empty shell of a person. I find myself unable to tolerate people. My zest for life is gone. I have seen death may many times, but this death shook me to the very core of my being. The world was rosy and I WAS a very happy go lucky person. I would joke around all the time. My son was a really funny person, he made people and me laugh til it hurt. Now the laughter is gone and I just go through the motions of living. Is there hope? Can this really get better? For me I doubt it seriously.

Aug 27, 2011
Its normal
by: Sue

Hello,
Yes it's perfectly normal to feel as though your heart has gone. I lost my Brian 5 months ago and I going through exactly what you are - my heart was wrenched out of my chest on the night he died in my arms. I am a smiling automaton, doing things every day, visiting friends, working, sewing, playing bridge but I do not know yet this other person I have become. This person who does the "ugly" cry until the eyes are swollen shut and who often feels "Is it worth it?" to go through life without the most important person in her life no longer there to hug and kiss, laugh and cry with and even argue with - I am going to England to see my daughter next week - it will be good to get away from my home for a little while as I still have such sad memories of Brian and they are all crowded into every room. I am hoping to start a more happy memory bank while I am with my child so that when I return home I will maybe cope better. Hang in there - when we love deeply we grieve deeply. There is no shortcut through this sadness. I am thinking of you... Sue xxx

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