Hope-Almost 1 Year

by Annie

I am rounding the corner to one year, December 21st, that I lost my husband. I have come a long way from the day Clyde died. You all were right that it does get better, that time does heal, and that the painful roller coaster of waves does ease up. I thank all of you on this site who have taken time out of your lives to help me.

I hardly recognize myself anymore. I am such a different person, more grounded, more aware of other people, and a sense of calmness. I don't let the little problems that come my way bother me anymore, I don't get involved in drama, and I stay out of situations that I have no control of. I think or hope I have come out of this a much better and caring person.

I do feel, though, that no matter where I am, I do not belong. I go to work, go out with friends and family, but feel I am on the outside looking in. I seem to want to be alone more which is a big change in me. I never liked to be alone and always had a group of people around me so I could be the life of the party. Now I am very comfortable being with myself and alone. I hope I am not isolating myself but wanted to know if any of you feel or have felt the same way about belonging. Is this another phase of grief or am I growing up and don't need the validation of other people? I hope I am making sense.

The one year anniversary and Christmas are coming up and I am not looking forward to them but I will make it through like I have gotten through everything else that has come my way this last year. I will remember how honored and fortunate I was to have met and lived with Clyde for 31 years. The memories are still painful but nobody can take away the love we had for each other. I have grieved so deeply because I loved so deeply.