Hope-Almost 1 Year

by Annie

I am rounding the corner to one year, December 21st, that I lost my husband. I have come a long way from the day Clyde died. You all were right that it does get better, that time does heal, and that the painful roller coaster of waves does ease up. I thank all of you on this site who have taken time out of your lives to help me.

I hardly recognize myself anymore. I am such a different person, more grounded, more aware of other people, and a sense of calmness. I don't let the little problems that come my way bother me anymore, I don't get involved in drama, and I stay out of situations that I have no control of. I think or hope I have come out of this a much better and caring person.

I do feel, though, that no matter where I am, I do not belong. I go to work, go out with friends and family, but feel I am on the outside looking in. I seem to want to be alone more which is a big change in me. I never liked to be alone and always had a group of people around me so I could be the life of the party. Now I am very comfortable being with myself and alone. I hope I am not isolating myself but wanted to know if any of you feel or have felt the same way about belonging. Is this another phase of grief or am I growing up and don't need the validation of other people? I hope I am making sense.

The one year anniversary and Christmas are coming up and I am not looking forward to them but I will make it through like I have gotten through everything else that has come my way this last year. I will remember how honored and fortunate I was to have met and lived with Clyde for 31 years. The memories are still painful but nobody can take away the love we had for each other. I have grieved so deeply because I loved so deeply.

Comments for Hope-Almost 1 Year

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Dec 01, 2011
Feel The Same
by: Anonymous

Annie I've gotten past the one year mark..It wasn't too bad the worst day was on her birthday which was 10 days later..I didn't thank about being along tell I read your blog and it hit me that yes it seems I feel the same way...I have been going out to dinner with women and I thought I had maybe found one that was real nice but now thanking about it I don't know.Which isn't fair to her for me to lead her to thank I like her..I do like being with her and all but still have that feeling that I'm doing wrong.I know Judy and I talk about this and she didn't want me to be along for the rest of my life..So if you find a way to get by this please let me know.Or if anyone knows tell us what to do..Now the Christmas holidays are here I know it's not going to be good time for me...

Nov 28, 2011
Your not alone
by: Anonymous

Im sorry for your loss. But I feel like im not wanted or loved or accepted and I feel alone @ times.Yes its the hardest thing I have ever went through with the passing of my Husband which has been almost 23months now. When my LOVe passed away I wanted to be alone alot too just to think about life to give myself that time to grive its very hard to adjust to the NEW U im still trying to adjust to some things it affects ur everyday life theirs no way around it I begged God to change me if theirs anything wrong with the way I feel theirs times I feel abanded by my closest Friends I dont know why I feel that way @ times?
but theirs HOPE IN JESUS MY FRIEND without HIM I dont know how id delt with life let alone my job
I have been Blessed in soo many ways that i dont relize it @ times. This site has been a blessing to me.Your not alone on this Jouney.God Bless U!AH

Nov 27, 2011
There Is Always Hope :-)
by: TrishJ

It will be one year for me this coming Saturday that I lost my husband. December 3, 2010 was the worst day of my life.
For some reason I thought living through the first year would find me putting my grief behind me and ready to move on. I've never been so wrong in my life. I knew I would always love him (we were together for 38 years. I was 19 when we met) but I thought I would've made some progress by now. It seems like I miss him more every day. Every morning when I wake up I'm still looking for him. I've often said the only thing I could imagine worse than losing Joe was not having him in my life at all. I am truly thankful that God gave me such a wonderful man to love.
This web site has taught me so many things. There are many good people who come hear whose hearts are also aching. So many of their kind words have helped me get through some pretty dark times. I see different levels of moving on. Some seem to do OK after a year....others are still waiting for some relief two years later. But there is always hope.
Thanksgiving was the last of my "firsts". He was still here last thanksgiving but very ill. Now I just have to get through the anniversary of his death. I have my seat belt on and I'm bracing for a rough landing. I have good friends that I can talk to and they will help get me through it.
Stay with this site. We are all here for each other. The remarkable woman who started this site for us is really and angel.
God bless. I hope you manage to find some peace in your memories with Clyde this holiday season. He would want you to be happy.
PJ

Nov 27, 2011
Passing of time
by: Judith in California

Annie, I have passed the year and two month mark and while I still have my grief periods they are certainly fewer and shorter than before. It's hard to let go of 30 Plus years with someone you gave your whole self to. They were our reason for being here. The loss is tremendous, the heartbreak horrendous.
I, too, feel as though I don't belong and have generally felt that way overtime because I think so differently than most people I meet. I guess we are out of sorts with the world because we are no longer sharing our love with someone. We stopped being ourselves because we were solely into our husbands and not ourselves. they were our reason for being and now they are gone and we find ourselves looking for our purpose again and we come up empty.
I never was physically sick before and now I'm going to the doctor more than just once a year for a flu shot. And I feel guilty even thinking of meeting someone new because my husband never would have wanted me to be with anyone else. Those are issues that hopefully I will work out in time.

Take care Annie. God bless you .

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