How Am I Suppose to Live Without You

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

The New Me for 2012

The New Me for 2012

It's been awhile since I've been here. These last 2 days have been painful and a lot of soul searching.
I was telling a friend or I should say explaining what my life was to a friend from long ago, how I believed Billy and I were together and then how it ended. The days change, the words change but my heart still misses my true love. How do you step from the darkness into the light of life?
The bad days have been less because of a friend from long ago that I've been talking too. Funny how the memories bring back happiness and then sorrow. I feel like I've been crying for days and I'm back to square 1. I was doing so well or so I thought. 1 year 6 months and I can see it like it was yesterday. I try to look at the happy memories but the sadness invade my thoughts and mind pulling my soul into the darkness of wanting and missing Billy. Daylight is an illusion of the night of desperation, a wanting of me to be with him.
I have a friend that's working his way into my life and my heart. A friend of long ago we both knew together. He's kind and concrete to my heartache and pain.
I wonder if this a "Godwink" from Billy, to show me there is life out there and I can't forever lock myself in a world of pain and despair. Someone fun and exciting, alive and not dead. Its a brutal reality, I can't stay with Billy but I must walk and talk in the real world, the land of the living.
Random thoughts pursue me in the darkness of the night and in my dreams. How is this suppose to end? Doesn't anybody know what the final chapter is? Why do we have to die to finally know the truth? This has been a hard couple of days, but I know my friend will be there to talk and let me know it's ok to be here, to be friends again and the possibility of more in my life...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year 6 months

Comments for How Am I Suppose to Live Without You

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Jan 21, 2012
2 year survivor of grief

That old saying "Just keep on keeping on..." springs to mind. I have passed the 2 year mark Dec 6th 2011 and it was incredibly painful. I thought it just got easier as time passed or so I was promised. Remember time heals all wounds. Though I do not think that we will ever be totally healed but will walk away with a wisdom that only a widow can understand.

We see things so differently now don't we? We know to just forget the small stuff that people get so hung up on and live life as though it was our last day. Some times living out that saying can be sad desperate or just plain humorous.

I would like to love again but I do not know if that is possible, yet. I am still in Love with someone who is no longer here. And it is not that easy to let that kind of love just drift away as part of our past.

I know that we are a physical human beings with wants and needs. I miss sex but find it impossible just to "do that" with someone in which I do not care deeply for. Ahhh our past haunts us over and over again. But all we can do is keep on keeping on. To experience life to the fullest, take chances, say things we might have been too shy for before and let each day be a miracle.

Jan 21, 2012
Just keep living
by: Judy


No one knows what the final chapter is-we just keep on living and the life we are supposed to live will unfold around us despite all efforts to ignore it. Maybe it includes this new friend and maybe not, but the new life will come to you regardless. This is what we as widows must accept-life is different than it was and we can't get the old life back we can only live the new one.

Billy would want you to be happy. Be happy. Find the things in the new life that make you happy and treasure them. There's nothing magical about the 2 year mark, in fact it can be pretty rough. But you are a new person now, stronger, tougher, seasoned by your experiences and wiser. Know and love the new you. As for the Godwink, you'll figure out for yourself if this is a good idea or not. Life is yours to live.

Be well and happy.


Jan 20, 2012
by: Anonymous

Beautifully written Patricia...I guess all of us who have lost loved ones are going to live with thought of not seeing them until we finally pass...for me it is one day at time until I die

Jan 20, 2012
How am I suppose to live without you
by: jules

Patricia - that is a most beautiful photo of you - Billy would be so proud of you.

I have watched you through this journey, that we are all travelling -and see the changes in you. I am now 26 months into the journey, and I know that the two year mark was a watershed - much worse than any other time, my daughter and son had the same impact, my son says he now knows in his heart his dad is gone, and my daughter is the same.

Accept your friend into your life, it may be for a long time, or a short time, but it will be for the right time - believe me I know this to be true.

It is part of the process - I will miss John every day of my life for the rest of my life, but I know I have to live the best life that I can - he would expect this of me.
Take heart love - and always - every day - one step, one breath

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