How can I go on without her?

by Andy
(UK)

I lost my beautiful wife 6 years ago to a heart attack. She had just turned 44 years old and we had been married for 22 years. As every year passes, I find it harder to cope. I look ahead at the years stretching out in front of me without her and I just panic. Why does my life have to be filled with such overwhelming sadness?

Our daughter is now 23 years old and has been my rock. She has become more than a daughter and is now my best friend. We have gone through so much together. Problem is now she is moving away with her work and I am just panic stricken at the thought of being on my own. I feel like I am back at day one and dont know what to do.

I feel so terribly sad all the time.

Comments for How can I go on without her?

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Aug 20, 2014
Six years on
by: Alan from Australia

Andy, I am so sorry that you lost your beloved wife. I come to this site often because I am so incredibly sad all the time. I lost my darling wife Phyllis nearly 19 months ago and this grief is so debilitating. Some days it feels as bad as it did the day she died, I can't believe she has gone. We were married 40 years and she was only 58. I am so sorry you are still so heartbroken after 6 years. Your love together must have been wonderful. I realise that this is a hard road we are on and I am glad you have your daughter to help you. I too have a 36 year old daughter who is wonderful but nothing can ease this profound sadness. The grief "tornado" hit me the other day. I was working in a power station amongst noise, generators etc and I burst out crying. With no stimulus like at home where her things are - I just lost it. No-one saw me so it was alright.
This sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. I know nothing I say will help you with your grief Andy but I am thinking of you mate. We have to get through this and there are lovely people who write on this site who are going through it too. I'm running out of words so regards from me Andy. You are not alone.

Aug 15, 2014
..our hearts are suspended in time
by: Anonymous

Andy,

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles after the time that has passed since your wife’s death. I come here to read others comments because it makes me think that my own struggles are a normal reaction to the loss of the person who defined me. After 18 months I think about how long I am going to have to feel like I do now. The death of my loving husband has changed my life dramatically. I cannot look forward to more “time” or doing more “things” and even though I am doing and I am living I am wishing this life I lead doesn’t drag on. You are saying that 6 years later you are still sad. I can only hope that part of that is brought on by the impending move of your daughter and not all because of the loss of your loving wife.

Your daughter probably doesn’t want you to have to suffer anxiety over her relocation so you might want to set up some sort of a schedule of travelling back and forth to see each other and using Skype for the interim. Moving is always an option tho and huge but I have done it and though it must have all occurred in a fog there might be that option for you.

Good luck and I hope you and your daughter find a way to stay connected so you can continue that support you have provided each other.

Aug 14, 2014
sympathy and hope.
by: Lawrence

Hi Andy
My deepest sympathy at losing your wife, there is no pain and anguish like it.
To be left without love in your life is torture and I’m sure, like you I deeply miss the wonderful feeling of loving someone so much, and being loved in return.
It is nearly nineteen months since my own precious wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying and I was closing her eyes, kissing her goodbye and thanking her for seventy years of absolute bliss. within two hours, on her deathbed.
I felt so devastated and truthfully I didn't want to spend my few remaining years without her.
After reading some wonderful comments on this web site I decided to take charge of my very lonely life and to find ways of easing my grief.
This is my life now…..I have learned to play bridge and at the age of 85 wasn’t easy but I mastered it and can now play with very experienced players which I do four times a week.
I gave up playing the violin when I was fifteen after seeing this beautiful fourteen year old girl at our local youth club.
Our eyes met for a brief few seconds and I knew at that instant I would rather hold her than my violin and the next seventy years proved it was the best decision of my life.
My violin went into its case, and after my lovely wife died ,I took it out, dusted it down and started playing again and have weekly lessons, I am much better now than when I was fifteen.
I write books and always have done, I have written about 45 novels but writing now takes my mind off my sadness.
I compose music but not love songs anymore; the love of my life has gone.
I have joined a social club to which I go regularly and meet widowers like myself also trying to escape their own grief..
So as you can see Andy, you must force yourself to get out of the house. Don’t stay in and grieve.
Do anything, train for a Marathon, climb mountains, learn to play an instrument, anything at all. Keep yourself occupied.
You are still a comparative young man so it is time to join the social scene, your wife would not want you to spend the rest of your life a lonely man I’m pretty sure.
From one heartbroken widower to another.
My deepest sympathy
Lawrence

Aug 13, 2014
How can I go on without her?
by: Doreen UK

Andy I am so sorry for your loss of your wife 6 yrs. ago at such a young age, and now for you having to lose again by your daughter moving away. The empty nest is always the greatest pain for a mother usually, but now it is yours.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer just over 2yrs. ago and I am feeling it will take years to get over my loss. I had a tough cancer battle with him for 3yrs.39days which adds to my grief. You are so young to live your life this way with utter loneliness and emptiness. If you are still suffering after 6yrs. I think you should try CRUSE Bereavement services for some support. You may be stuck in grief and unable to move forward due to a blockage. You may be depressed and unable to move beyond this point. Understandable. You need to look after yourself now and do one good thing for yourself each day till it becomes a way of life and you are feeling in a more stable place to move forward. None of us want change in our life. I am of an age when change is difficult and hard to restructure my life.
You need to read some of the posts from Lawrence. He gives good advice from a Male perspective and It is a miracle how he has been able to turn his life around and put life in his days and make every day better. He knows as we all do that we cannot change our circumstances. But by changing our attitude towards our circumstances we SURVIVE our loss.
You need to find friendship and a companion to help you feel less alone. It is when we isolate ourselves that we feel the greatest barrier to grief and healing. Please write back with updates so that we know you are coping.

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