How Can I Go On

by julie
(Tallahassee)

How can I go on? I'm not sure that I even want to. Even though I have family and friends that are convinced that I'm dealing with this and being such a strong person. I'm tired of living that lie...my heart is broken. It's physically hard to breathe, I have slits where my eyes are supposed to be and no energy to put one foot in front of the other one. The really really sad part is that I don't care..I'm just tired. This is way too hard and there's no one that I can share my true feelings with. I'm really scared about how I'm feeling and pray that God is truly caring me during this time because if not then I just don't know. I feel like I was handling things pretty well up until now. In my original post I made the comment that my world ended on April 15, 2011 but I guess its taken this long for my body to catch up. I know that I'm rambling and this makes no sense..but I don't know how to maneuver on this journey that I didn't ask for and certainly didn't want. Someone please say something that will snap me out of this mood..maybe if I felt something I would be ok..but for now nothing or no one matters. What's the purpose.

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Nov 14, 2011
How can I make it (part 2)
by: Julie

First of all let me thank all of you that answered my plea. I'm doing better and feel like maybe I can put one foot in front of the other one. Saturday I spent the day on the couch and didn't even get dressed until late that afternoon. I thought about in the bible (not sure where) but there were two lepers that were sitting outside the city feeling down in the dumps. One of them finally said that if we sit here we're gonna die or if we go into the city we're gonna die, either way we're gonna die. But lets get up and move. So that's where I'm at today...I can do this.

Went to church Sunday and the sermon was on the book of Ruth. The preacher was talking about how Noami had lost her husband and two sons and was preparing to leave her two daughters-in-law and going to her homeland. She told the people not to call her Naomi any longer but to call her "Mara" which means bitter and sorrowful and that she was being punished by God. How much plainer could God be talking to me. I went home and did a lot of soul searching. I thought God I've earned the right to have my name changed to "Mara" but do I want to stop there and I really want my name changed back to "Naomi". I told God that I wanted to carry the name of "Naomi" but I couldn't do it by myself and I needed His help.
So once again I feel that I have to keep moving and allow help from people like you that really really care and understand. I wish that I could say that this is my last post...but like each of you I know that the roller coaster will probably take another dip...but I thank God for you that are on this ride with me.

Love each of you...julie

Nov 13, 2011
I'll pray for you
by: Jack

I'm writing to say I'll pray for you! I lost my partner last March and it's coming up to 8 months now. In many ways I feel worse. We must all keep moving through our journeys. Thats what our loved ones would want us to do. We will learn how to live with broken hearts. Take care, Jack

Nov 12, 2011
You will one step at a time...
by: Anonymous

Julie,

Your letter brought back the memory of how it was in the beginning. I am sooooo very glad you found this site because only people who have gone through it Really understand what you are going though. Please keep reading so that you know that you are not alone in your feelings. Grief is so personal yet we can relate to the posts here.

We have a common bond that we share here and we can say anything without fear. This site has helped me be able to vent and relate to others who lost loved ones at approximately the same time. If nothing else to help you know that your not crazy just crazy with grief. Vicki expressed it wonderfully. At the two year mark (coming up in Dec) I thought I would be done. Better yes in the 2nd year you re learn who you are and exactly what you are capable of. It is a forced independence that changes your life forever.
But that is in the future, for now ride out the days as best as you can day by day minute by minute and grief will take you where you need to go. Do not feel as if you need to be "normal" because that old life is gone in time you will strive for a new normal. The day will come where you can finally notice the beauty outside your window and embrace those times, that is the start being able to find little pieces of happiness every now and then in the long road of grief.
For now hang on its going to be a bumpy ride.
HH

Nov 12, 2011
sending prayers and hugs
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry.... and sad for you / for mothers...
Your feelings mirror mine to a tee!! I feel like such a hypocrite!! And so weary of wearing the mask and telling everyone what they want to hear! "Oh, I'm doing ok"... and I'm not. :( Even my siblings, and mom don't seem to understand...
How does one continue on a daily basis with this big gaping hole in your chest.
I have lost track of time - someone said it's like you're in a time warp.
I started a grief support group that has helped in some ways; at least its getting together with others who are grieving and gives you a chance to talk about everything in a compassionate and understanding atmosphere. Its called griefshare. Here is the main website's URL. It couldn't hurt.
http://www.griefshare.org/
I will be praying for you... know you are not alone
((hugs))
Janis

Nov 12, 2011
hold on dear Vickie
by: Cindy

It is midnight here at home and I am alone. I'm missing my sweet child so much that my very soul is wrenched inside out. I know your pain; it is more than any human heart should ever have to endure, yet as bad as it feels, grief is nature's way of assisting us with loss. If we didn't feel as we do and cry those tears we cry, we would surely fade away. I don't have many answers but I can give you this...pray, reach out to the living,(for life goes on around you still), and give your love to others who need it. You will heal, God will see to it.

Nov 11, 2011
Hi!
by: Anonymous

Yes your post does make sense! I pretty much felt the same way you do its been 22months now that my Love of my life went on to Glory I still miss him soo much I have 2 bad days a month the day before and the day of @ times its hard I pray and wish I could craw in in box @ times and feel like no one cares or understands but God cares! I hate the new Me and that it happened to me. I also lost my dad a month and 6days later after my Husband soo with that being said I had a bad year last year and this year I hope next year is a better year for Everyone! Keep God in your Everyday life and he will comfort you!Jesus Loves You! I hope I was an Encourgement to You in some way! God Bless You!AH

Nov 11, 2011
Someone Cares and is Listening...
by: Vickie

Julie, I read your post and I want you to know that I have felt VERY much the same way you are feeling. I have only been on this site for a short time, so I don't know your story. Grief is HELL. I lost my youngest girl two yr's ago. I just got home today after spending the last couple days with my fiance' at the hospital. Since my daughters death I have managed to get through it day by day. The second yr. was definitely harder. The numbness wears off and the reality sits in. Friends and family seem to think by now you should be feeling better and moving forward. You may paint a smile on your face and go through the motions but inside you are dying. Last night I was feeling so down. I was on my way home and I had this anger that I haven't had in probably a yr. hit me. I finally just screamed at the top of my lungs and then the tears came..I think like you -I feel other than this site NO one gets how damn hard this is. We can't just pop a pill and feel better. Today I feel better, not great, but better. I have hit that place myself, where I feel like I was losing any rational mental control I had left. Your grieving and it can feel so isolating and exhausting. Even our closest friends can't really understand. Your life is valuable-YOU are VALUABLE. If you weren't here anymore think of the pain that you would inflict on those that love you. As hard as it is, you have to Believe there will be a day that life will be brighter. Never the same, but more promising. I believe you know this but you just need someone that understands your hurt. If you continue to feel bad then go to the emergency and let them help. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers and ck. to see how your doing. God Bless You. Vickie Calif.

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