How can I live?
My lovely son Thomas
Where to start?...Thomas was my older son and he passed away on March 23rd 2013.He was only 23.
Five months and the pain is the same.
Thomas gave us a lot of trouble when he was a teenager. I mean a lot. We had to send him to a boot camp, then to a special school to catch up his grades. He got his HS diploma and went to college.
Everything looked fine..but they were not.
He had to leave the USA and go back to France. He spent some time with his family and decide to move to London, where he found a job as a bartender and was quickly promoted as manager.
At this time he was only in contact with me. He was mad at his dad.
You have to know that I took all the decision regarding Thomas. My husband thought that Thomas would stop his bad behavior. When he realized how bad it was..it was kind of late.
Anyway Thomas after 2 years in London moved to Barcelona where he easily found a job as a computer technician. He was well paid, had an apartment. He was happy and we had long talk on Skype or on the phone. He grew up while in Barcelona and after a while he decided to talk to his dad again.
It was around Christmas time that they talk after 2 years of silence.
Then in March, we were talking on the phone and he told me that the following Sunday he will Skype with his dad and apologize for having treated him so badly.
We were talking about visiting my mom in France ( very old and very sick)and he told me something that is HAUNTING me.
He said: mom..one day the phone rings and someone tells you it's over.
Was he talking about my mom..or him??
Of course I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but he cut me short and said he had to go for dinner with a friend.
I tried to call him back..no answer, same on Saturday and on Sunday he wasn't on Skype.
On Sunday at 7pm, someone from the French consulate was at our door to inform us that Thomas has passed away.
I fainted. My son was gone. WHY? how?
My heart died that day.
He was doing fine in Spain, no more trouble, a nice job, nice friends..so why? why?
The only thing we know is that he died of pulmonary embolism ..but we don't know what caused it. Spain is very very slow to give us the full result of the autopsy.
I survive because I have to other sons, great kids..but I don't laugh, I don't appreciate life. I feel like I should die.
I feel guilty for what happened . My life is a mess. I don't believe in God anymore. I prayed him so much..and for what?
I cry every day. Someone told me that my eyes look dead. They are right. A lot of me died when Thomas died.
How can I go on..live? Looks like my family is already over the grief...I can't I just can't . It is too hard not to listen to his voice, to his laugh!
I miss him so much. I forgave him for all the troubles we had before . He was a new man! why did he had to die?
Sorry for my long story and my English..I know I made mistakes.
To all grieving parents: you have my sympathy and my love