How can I live?

by Genevieve
(Campbell,ca USA)

My lovely son Thomas

My lovely son Thomas

Where to start?...Thomas was my older son and he passed away on March 23rd 2013.He was only 23.
Five months and the pain is the same.
Thomas gave us a lot of trouble when he was a teenager. I mean a lot. We had to send him to a boot camp, then to a special school to catch up his grades. He got his HS diploma and went to college.
Everything looked fine..but they were not.

He had to leave the USA and go back to France. He spent some time with his family and decide to move to London, where he found a job as a bartender and was quickly promoted as manager.
At this time he was only in contact with me. He was mad at his dad.
You have to know that I took all the decision regarding Thomas. My husband thought that Thomas would stop his bad behavior. When he realized how bad it was kind of late.

Anyway Thomas after 2 years in London moved to Barcelona where he easily found a job as a computer technician. He was well paid, had an apartment. He was happy and we had long talk on Skype or on the phone. He grew up while in Barcelona and after a while he decided to talk to his dad again.

It was around Christmas time that they talk after 2 years of silence.
Then in March, we were talking on the phone and he told me that the following Sunday he will Skype with his dad and apologize for having treated him so badly.

We were talking about visiting my mom in France ( very old and very sick)and he told me something that is HAUNTING me.

He said: day the phone rings and someone tells you it's over.
Was he talking about my mom..or him??
Of course I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but he cut me short and said he had to go for dinner with a friend.
I tried to call him answer, same on Saturday and on Sunday he wasn't on Skype.

On Sunday at 7pm, someone from the French consulate was at our door to inform us that Thomas has passed away.
I fainted. My son was gone. WHY? how?
My heart died that day.

He was doing fine in Spain, no more trouble, a nice job, nice why? why?

The only thing we know is that he died of pulmonary embolism ..but we don't know what caused it. Spain is very very slow to give us the full result of the autopsy.

I survive because I have to other sons, great kids..but I don't laugh, I don't appreciate life. I feel like I should die.
I feel guilty for what happened . My life is a mess. I don't believe in God anymore. I prayed him so much..and for what?

I cry every day. Someone told me that my eyes look dead. They are right. A lot of me died when Thomas died.

How can I go Looks like my family is already over the grief...I can't I just can't . It is too hard not to listen to his voice, to his laugh!

I miss him so much. I forgave him for all the troubles we had before . He was a new man! why did he had to die?

Sorry for my long story and my English..I know I made mistakes.
To all grieving parents: you have my sympathy and my love

Comments for How can I live?

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Oct 13, 2013
to all the person who answered to me
by: genevieve

I know that I have to live, we have to live..but how? when will the pain and the guilt stop? Mike...if I may ask, what happened to your son?
It it now almost 7 months ans the pain is the same..the tears flows ..the nights are short..the days are long. I should end this pain for good. How do you do to survive? Thank you to all the person who left comments on my page. I MISS Thomas so much

Oct 13, 2013
Your loss
by: Mike

I feel your loss and the guilt which cuts so deep.
I too feel dead inside and wonder if I will get over the shock of my son passing away at 32 yrs old just a couple of months ago
I'm told the pain does ease with time. Not too sure about that.

Mike from UK

Sep 25, 2013
feel your pain
by: Anonymous

Tomorrow sept 26 would be my sons 23rd birthday. He is gone close to 3 years now. The pain is something only a mother understands. I have no word of wisdom, only compassion and understanding that all us moms are with you. Think happy thoughts of your precious child. <3

Sep 09, 2013
by: Kate

I just read another thing you wrote,my son was 39 he never made it to the big 40 that he talked of being so close to, when that day came I was so sad ,it is a painful day and I don't even know how I got through it but I kept busy and my mind was tied to it all day but I lived through it. You will too. My other children were there for me so kindly,they miss him too! We all grieve together on this site and struggle through the days. We somehow go on,I beg God for strength and he gives it,how could I go on on my own ? Death comes to all mankind and we know it but when it hits our heart we are shattered. You will get through the day and it will hurt but you will do it,the worst day has already come to us,when they died. We weakly go on sad,
Hurt and in pain but we learn to go on with that empty spot within. Others may grieve differently but no one who knew our sons forget them .

Sep 08, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I understand your pain,I lost my son going on 9 months,the news came by a phone call. Devestating .i went into complete shock. I just couldn't believe it. Not my Louie was all I could say over and over. Death of a child is the most horrid hurt ever.i have 4 other children but no one can take that child's place,ever. I feel half dead myself but somehow go on. My heart goes out to you. I know your path. I'm sorry we all have this horrible path.

Sep 07, 2013
I hear what you say and are going through!
by: Doreen U.K.

Genevieve even though you have two other beautiful sons you could never ever forget the one you lost. Your heart will break for a long time. This was the boy you carried inside you for 9 months attached by an umbilical cord. The attachment is so strong it HURTS!!!
It doesn't matter how much our children hurt us we have overflowing hearts of love and forgiveness for them. A mother's love is FOREVER. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. are all anniversaries that hurt us through death. My husband died 16 days before his 66th birthday. God must have cushioned the hurt because I felt as if I was doing everything in slow motion and in a very surreal state as if I was somewhat detached. Most of us as a family went to the graveside and put up balloons, and flowers and mementos' cards etc. To honour his birthday. I have made a garden of roses for my husband and a corner just for his little memento's that I can pay respects to him at home. I found a way to honour my husband's memory.
You will find some way that is precious to you to go and honour the memory of your son. This is a PAIN like no other pain when you lose someone and then do the anniversaries on going. Never seeing that loved one again is the worst HURT a person could go through. Death is such a cruel punishment we all have to go through in life. But to lose a child/adult child is the PITS. I will be thinking of you on 9/9/2013. May God meet you where you are in your deepest sorrow/despair, and give you ALL HIS COMFORT AND STRENGTH on this day and on going in the days and months ahead and bring you swift HEALING from your loss of your son.

Sep 07, 2013
How can I live?
by: Doreen U.K.

Bonnie I am sorry for your loss of your daughter. No parent is prepared to bury their adult child. I can understand how your daughter feels about her age and living at home with Mom and Dad. But her circumstances were such that she would have had to do it for health reasons. She could have got better and then moved out of your home to somewhere else. Your daughter sounded like an articulate self assured lady that knew how and what she wanted her life to be. Her health interfered with this and she didn't like to change her world and the way she had structured this.
My son wanted to come back home in his early 40's and I felt strange about this in much the same way as your daughter did. Only because as parents we rear our children to go out into the world and make their own life of happiness. As parents we have boundaries. Your daughter would have had her boundaries which is why she felt strange about going home to mom and dad.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to cancer. The worst loss I have had in my life. I hope and pray to God that I don't lose any of my 3 Adult children. This would be a heartache I feel I would never recover from. Somehow losing a child to me would be the worst a person could experience in life. Grief hurts so much. It takes so long to Heal from that almost feels like an eternity. take one day at a time. This is the only way to get through life. May God be with you and your husband and give you strength and comfort in the days and months ahead.

Sep 07, 2013
by: s.jane.f

Genevieve--I am, very sadly, on much the same schedule as you. My dear son Vaughn died on March 29, and his 20th birthday was yesterday, September 5. Your son looks beautiful--so full of life. My son was similar--young and strong and funny and beautiful and kind. And now gone. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. I feel Vaughn with me--I take strength from that. I can't help believing that as long as I am here I must make an effort to truly live, as incredibly difficult as that is. I feel Vaughn encouraging me. Is this my imagination? Perhaps. But maybe he still has something to teach me. Maybe Thomas would want you to live as well? Whether you feel this way or not, just know that I feel your pain,I really do. I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. I wish you healing.

Sep 06, 2013
by: Genevieve

No one has read what i wrote...I feel sad and lonely.
His birthday is on Monday the 9th September and I am lost!.
What am I supposed to do? I am lost..please help!
What do you do when it's your child birthday?
he loved is birth date so much 9/9/89 and he died on 3/23/13
Is it pure coincidence? I am dying little by little.I wish I could hug him, tell him how much I love him.

Sep 06, 2013
How can I live?
by: Doreen U.K.

Genevieve I am sorry for your loss of your son to a sudden death. A pulmonary embolism can happen to anyone at anytime and is a silent killer. Part of grief is to look for answers. But there is no explanation in the same way an infant dies of cot death.
It seems as if your son was searching and needed to move away from home to find himself. He did. This was his journey. You did your job rearing him to become a man. Turbulent times, but change was taking place. Your son may just have gotten to a place where he was ready for God to take him home. Being angry with God is normal and he can accept this. I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago and I was angry with God for a long time. I didn't want to. But I was. God knew this and so he accepts this part of our humanity. But don't leave God out of your life for good. He is all we have. He is our creator. God is the one who numbers our days so I had to accept this when my husband was taken from me. We will not get the answers this side of earth. God will reveal this in eternity. Don't throw away your future with God for His taking your son home. He is safe in the arms of God and you will see him again. Make this your FOCUS. You do have the right to feel angry and let down. But don't let your son's death take away from you. Let his death be a Blessing for the life he lived whether good times or bad times. Your son brought meaning into your life and allowed you to be blessed by his presence in your family. You are happy that he was born to you, and his life made a difference in yours. You just have to wait till you get to heaven and you will be reunited. I miss my husband and I ache for him. But I hold on to my HOPE of eternal life and being reunited with him FOREVER. Look up and not down. Our suffering here on earth will soon be over. Take one day at a time.

Sep 06, 2013
kristina 4-17-2013
by: bonnie kaufman

Kristina passed from an accident she had. she was at her friends house and accidently pulled a pan of boiling water on herself that was on the stove when she attempting to take something out of oven. she had lost her balance.the water went down her back,her right hand and leg. Kristina had been on the waiting list for 2 years for a liver. during that time she had so many health issues related to her illness. she had a comprised immune system that brought on so many other things too many to discuss here. but she was a strong and stubborn woman and over came them. but this time she did not. she could not have skin grafting because her clotting time basically so low that she would not survive the surgery. for 23 days she was given transfusions to keep her counts up but she was losing blood as fast as she was getting it bleeding some where internally that the doctors could not find. her dad and I gave the doctors permission to take her off life support and she passed the day after our 50th anniversary. it has been hard for her dad and I because we pretty much had to take care of everything by ourselves with making arrangements for her cremation and moving her things out of her apartment because the landlord had it already rented. the hardest thing for us was the fact that we tried so hard to get her to come home until she had her transplant, even her doctor told her that she should not be by herself. she said she was 45 and should not have to live with her parents.

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