How can she really be gone?

by Jennifer

It's almost been a year.

She was 35. A bright, vivacious person who injected energy into everything she did, especially into her roles as a wife and a mommy to 4 beautiful children.

Breast cancer. I still almost can't bear to actually speak the words. Breast cancer killed my sister. I actually feel like I'm speaking a foreign language when I say it.

My big sister was my best friend. She was there for me as a sister, a protector and in countless other ways. She was there when I couldn't get pregnant. She was there when I finally did. She got to see her little nephew for just 4 short months before she died.

I was there when she was diagnosed. I was there for the first chemo treatment and the last one. I was there for the great news of her being "cancer free". We celebrated as only sisters and best friends can. Then, I was there when the standard follow-up scans showed large tumors in both lungs. I was there when they said "terminal" and gave her 6 months to a year. I was there when 6 weeks later she died, leaving a hole in my life that I fear won't be filled by anything or anyone.

I was there as her children cried for their mommy. I was there to hold them and rock them and try to heal the hurt for them. They lovingly say I'm the closest thing to their mommy they have now. I feel so inadequate to fill that role in any capacity. She was honestly amazing. Her list of talents, hobbies and accomplishments would fill this and a thousand pages.

She died. And I miss her. More than I thought it was possible. Some days, I still pick up the phone to call her, only to get half-way and realize she isn't there to answer and my heart breaks all over again.

Comments for How can she really be gone?

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Sep 11, 2012
How can she really be gone?
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennifer I am sorry for your loss of your sister to breast cancer. Cancer is such a cruel disease that ruins many lives and breaks our hearts forever. I will never recover from the loss of my husband. I may just learn to live with this in time but to recover NO. I know how you feel. But I don't know what it will be like for your family going through this with 4 children having lost their mom. This is so CRUEL. I don't know what I would do if I had to bring up 4 children all on my own. All my childen are Adults. So I don't have this adjustment to make. I hope that you all as a family will be well supported in your grief as it is a hard and long journey with grief. If the children are old enough their grief will have to be supported also. I also have 4 sisters and I couldn't bear losing any one of them. But I do feel vulnerable to losing more members of my family since grieveing the loss of my husband. The pain starts at diagnosis and then our battles usually begin on this cancer journey. It is hearing the word CANCER. then the words TERMINAL. When I heard the Oncologist say to my husband You have a rare and serious cancer that is incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. and then to dismiss him from his clinic as if nothing had happened was so cruel. My world collapsed. I cried and cried in the nurses office. I then had to phone everyone and this was hard. I had to look into the face of my bewildered husband who couldn't quite process the fact that HE WAS GOING TO DIE. Then the Chemo and Radiotherapy for over 3yrs. I had to slowly watch my husband die. He was ill and sad all the time and from the first Chemo he lost his quality of life and his strength. I HATE EVERY DAY NOW. I just go on and do what I have to but there is no Life or Joy anymore in anything I do. Our world has been shattered. The pain of bereavement is the worst I have ever experienced at losing my husband. I can't believe He has gone. Never coming back. I hope that you will be able to Heal from your Loss in time. I wish you Comfort and Peace in Your Grief.

Sep 10, 2012
how can she be gone
by: silver

I lost my baby sister when she was 44 to a severe asthma attack.I will never forget going to the hospital to see her for the last time.My mom,dad,her husband and her kids there.I can remember my father saying(he had cancer)"It's supposed to be me there,not her." I remember just wanting to go to her and tell her to quit playing with us and open her eyes. I could envision her opening her eyes and laughing.Of course it didn't happen.She and I were so close.The oldest and the youngest girls.We both had 4 children.We both did a lot of crafts.Her's and my 3rd children were about 12yrs younger than the 2nd.We both had been through abusive first marriages.In addition,I was 8yrs older and took care of her when she was little.The oldest girl with 4 siblings younger.I bathed her,fed her,dressed her,played with her,took her to and from the school bus.When she died I felt as if I had lost a child.My heart died that day. She has been gone for almost 11 yrs now and it still hurts sometimes.Mostly though I think of how GOD saved her from the tragedies of Dec 1209 and July 2011.She was a very sensitive soul and to be here to bury mom,dad,my husband,my friend(hers too)and her mother-in-law would have devastated her.He spared her that.I pray that you reach the place I am at now that you can grieve on occasion and remember with love always GOD BLESS you and support you

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