How Could I Have Lost Both of Them

by Esther

Year 2008 was the hardest year of my life. I spent most of that year taking care of two wonderful men. My father and my husband.

My healthy 78 yr old father who loved life and his family became very weak and had trouble breathing. After rushing him to the hospital, we found out he had Lou Gehrig's Disease. Since his mind was good, he had the choice to go on a breathing machine. He took this option. I then found out that there were very few hospitals or nursing homes who would take him. Also, it was not possible to have him at home. Therefore, we ending up moving him several times.

During this time period, my strong, healthy husband starting having some back pain and was not feeling well. We went to the doctor and found out that my soulmate of 38 yrs has pancreatic cancer that had taken over his liver. The doctor told me that if I wanted to do anything with my husband I should do it now because he would not live long. At times I felt so torn because I needed to see my father and I didn't want to leave my husband, who was hospitalized many times.

My wonderful father would tell my family to have me stay with my husband. Well in May, I came home early from work to help my husband dress for his chemo treatment and found him trying to kill himself. He had cut his wrists, throat and was setting in the garage with our vehicle running. I was able to get him to the hospital and he was recovering in the hospital when my father passed away. That week was the hardest time of my life.

I think my husband saw how hard it was for me to take care of him, work, and help with my father. I don't understand why he did this because we had such a short time left together. We never discussed it other than he told me that he was sorry. After Dad died, my husbands cancer grew and he passed away in October. I am struggling with both their deaths. I miss them so much, but they are both in a better place now and not suffering.

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