How could she be gone too..

by Lisa
(sevierville,tn)

Here goes nothing and I am just praying it helps...So how to start...well cancer sux! guess that is the beginning and the end of what I am feeling. When I was eleven years old I got to watch my Father suffer as this stupid disease overtook his body. I watched a man I admired be destroyed by a dreaded disease that ate his insides like they were nothing.I saw him wither in pain, watched the seizures, saw this unbelievably intelligent man come to a point where he was doing off the wall things not knowing he was doing them, the extreme burns from radiation you name it we got it and then in what I expected to be another playtime at the hospital he died....and that was it no big description on what this would do to the rest of my life no what will happen as I grow older without a Dad just a grief room in a hospital and a couch I hide behind and cried.

Now lets fast forward to now....She's gone...Really how unfair can life be, I am 35. I am a mom with 3 wonderful kids who think that their mamaw probably hung the moon and she did i am sure, just for us. My mother had to be the strongest woman I have ever met. She was an incredible person and would have done anything for me or her grandbabies. For 5 years she fought cancer not just tiptoed around it but fought it tooth and nail!! So why isn't she a survivor story!!! I don't understand how you can do everything right...everything she had 3 years of normal mammograms. She was diagnosed with dermatomytositis, it is a skin form of lupus, because of her doctors persistence she had a ct scan and then a biopsy of what they felt was a small lymphoid. It wasn't, it was stage 2 breast cancer already in her glands.

Here we go now it is chemo the same kinds of chairs my dad sat in years before, the same doctor my dad went to, and the same huge syringe of the red koolaid looking drug pumped in mom's veins only difference was this time mom wasn't hanging her head over a puke bucket like I saw Dad do, better drugs for the sickness since the 80's, I was told.

The good news it worked, a month later it was back, now radiation begins. The burns, great it makes a hole in her shoulder, and more chemo again. Through all this she works, I mean really works she does chemo on Friday and goes to work on Saturday as a retail manager. Plus she helps me a single mom with my 3 kids. I work in special education so my kids are always where I am at school. Mom takes the next step has a double mastectomy with hopefully reconstruction, again u turn she gets a staph infection and looks like her double d breast have been chewed by a lawn mower. We spend the next month cleaning the most disgusting fluids out of 4 drain tubes two from each side of her chest.

So more chemo then no cancer, month later cancer is back. We buy a house together to take care of Mom now it is this battle for the next few years. We watch her suffer get stronger feel better, crash again the hole in her shoulder never heals lymphedema sets in she loses control of her left arm, among multiply hair loss and all the junk she still fights gotta see those grandbabies grow up...

The doctors combed every bit of breast tissue only to tell us that they did not find a single cancer cell or lesion....

Mom passed away in our house in her bed on May 12, 2010 I was at school and so were my kids. She had family with her but I just could not watch another parent die. The night before I sat behind her on the bed and held her body up. Hospice had came in we had just been doing pain management they said everything was shutting down. They didn't know my mom though put a diaper on her if you must but she was still not using it she would somehow get the point across she had to go to the bathroom..stubborn strong Italian woman yep that was my moma. Wow "was" that is as hard to type as it is to read. As I sat behind Moma I whispered in her ear it was ok the kids and I would be fine I knew she was hurting and I knew she did not want the kids to remember her that way. The kids all laid on the bed with us my 14 year old daughter at her feet rubbing them my 12 year old son sitting beside her head on her chest and my 8 year old daughter laying across her mamaws legs.

We sang hymns about the sweetness of heaven to her and my kids slowly uttered that it was ok for her to go and be with Jesus; She knew that was our goodbye and so did we. Now the second round of holidays have hit made it through thanksgiving upset but we made it but now it is Christmas and I am overwhelmed by too much emotion! This was Mom's time with the kids every Christmas Eve since my oldest was born they all pile in the bed with mamaw and watch a movie. Then we all get up together open presents and enjoy the day.

Now what! I am so lost I can't fix this I didn't even put the tree up at our house we have been staying away from home for the past month. We did combine our ornaments here so the things that remind me of Mom are here but I just can't seem to deal. I feel mad at times at people my age with parents still here, I hate seeing the way people take family for granted! My kids Dad has not had much to do with the kids at all during this time after a 13 year abusive marriage maybe that's a blessing but what do I do to show them it is okay to miss her! Just cry......God help me but all I do is cry.....

Comments for How could she be gone too..

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Jul 19, 2011
Lisa,
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. My mom passed away march 2010 from cancer. I too am 35 and feel angry that other people my age have their mom. I remember the day before she passed I was alone in the hospital room with her (a rare moment) so I sat beside her bed and softly whispered that it was time for her to go and we no longer wanted her to be in pain. She passed away the next day in the wee hours of the morning. I love and miss her everyday, as you do your mom. I take comfort in knowing she has no more pain.

Dec 28, 2010
:(
by: Sarah

I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa! I couldn't imagine losing both of my parents like that. I just lost my mom to terminal cancer. I'm 24. I also feel cheated of time with my mom. My Mom was diagnosed at the end of Sept with 6 months to live, she lived two. She passed away Nov 18 2010 with Me, my brother and sister at her side in our living room where her hospital bed was. I also have had a hard time being at home since she passed. God bless you Lisa, I don't have a lot of helpful words, but please take comfort in knowing someone else is thinking of you and your family.

Dec 17, 2010
I'm so sorry
by: melissa

Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear about your dear Mom. To lose both of your parents is just horrible. I lost my Gram, who raised me a month and a half ago. I am still in disbelief and in such pain. She was truly my world, and fought long and hard to stay here with me for as long as she possibly could. She too, was a strong Italian lady!

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know how difficult it is, especially this time of year. I still don't know how I made it thorough Thanksgiving, and now Christmas is almost there. I know it will be worse.

Hugs to you.
Melissa

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