How could you dissappear?

by Stephanie Berrondo
(Miami, Fl)

For starters, i jknow many of you can relate... Our fathers werent perfect but he was one of the best! My father was 63 y when he got diagnosed with prostate cancer. For many years, he went to the doctor to check every year. Supposedly everything was normal til 2008 hewent to Argentina and wastold he had prostate cancer. Came back down with all the paperwork and they were gonna operate him. He recovered well..... About being a month at home and me as his nurse :-) he started saying that to give him a back rub cuz he hadsome minor pain and it only got worse. In less than 2 weeks i got him an appt at one of the best cancer treating hospitals. In the meantime, he didnt have no insurance, in the progress of recieving medicaid but i still got him in there...... Dont know how. Thought it was a miracle! Ive always been a catholic but for many years didnt follow. I prayed every single day and night. When we got the results..... It was like my blood thrned into ice....... Pancreatic cancer. Hehad fluid in his lungs.. For some reason, i felt like he was going to do a whole 360 and get better. I saw him deteriorate day by day night by night. He went from 185 lbs to 96 lbs. How could a healthy man never used drugs nor drank alcohol smoked ciggs for less than 25 years get so sick so quick??? Why did i feel so assured that he was going to pull through this? He would still ask me for the back rubs cuz the pain got worse but he was put under so much pain killers that he couldnt stay home with us no more. He started hallucinating, babbling no coherent words didnt recognize my mom or other family. But he always recognized me. I was the light of hiseyes. Then me and my mom went home to sleep for a bit and we told the dctrs call us for anything anytime. At this point he would barely be talkative or moving. At 6 something in the morning i get a call frm the dctr telling me he thinks we should come over as soon as possible...... He said he thought my dad wasnt going to wake up any more. I remember i drove like a maniac trying to get bk there to him. I ran upstairs and i went to his side and burst into tears and i hugged him. He had no strength watsoever and he opened his weak eyes and reached out to me cuz i fainted when he reacted to my touch. He looked worried the doctor came in and try to help me ( at this point nobody could). Less than a 72 hours, he didnt wake up any more. I was sleeping on the couch and my mother ever let go of his hand. In the middle of the night, my dad pressedmy moms hand and she woke me up . Isaw the look inher eyes....... We stood by his bedside and minutes later.......... He gave his last breath. He was gone. He was taken from us. Why? Its only me and my mother. He was our backbone to everything. We still needed and NEED him. He wasnt done in life! Anything that we needed or wanted he was the one to give it to us. Car accident he got me a new car in a month. Tickets he paid for it behind my back. He would cook me breakfast and put smiley faces on my plate. He was the type of guy at a party to make everyone laugh. He was a good hearted man. He wasnt a bad person, honest working. Sacrificed for his family. Why was he taken away? God has done miracles for me ....... I know he exists. Why didnt he save my father? I know the saying 'what doesent kill you can only make you stronger' i dissagree. Im the proof. I am so mentally and emotionally broken. I dont know what to do and tomorrow is my 3rd bday....... Without him. I feel this pain getting worse every year. His bday feb 26, when he passed april 5th, fathers day...... Does it get better?

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Sep 07, 2012
Reply to Doreen .U.K.
by: Stephanie

Thank you for your story!! I havent been on this website since i wrote this. Sorry i havent replied. My father was also a carpenter, bus driver (private comp), tour guide, etc..... He also was very talented. He even spoke 7 languages..... Ha he was extremely smart. God..... How i miss him so much! I get y day by day by not thinking about him. Hes in my heart..... Always! But i dont speak about him because i 8 times out of 10 always end up being extremely depressed. I ended up having mental issues after his death. They diagnosed me with alot of crazy stuff. Sometimes i know i need the meds .... It helps..... But i dont aant to lice the rest of my life like that. My boyfriend is great...... But we have our differences ....... Alot! So i dont reay expect to be with him 'forever' but yea i do hope so. It would be nice to have a family of my own. But i am scared.... I dont want to bring a child to this world to struggle and suffer. If i cant even depend on myself how in the world can i have a little me depend on me. Not every man is like my father and i cant do this on my own. My mom is a babysitter..... Not a well paid job but she gets by! My idea in the mean time is ..... When shes gone im gone with her..... And well be together again. Im so scared...... Im so alone even if my mother is still alive i cant even imagine not having her!!! Life is too cruel!!! Im so lost!!!!! Unfortunetly due to certain circumstances that has happened many many years ago i cant really go to school and become 'something' in life!!! I need my dad sooo much!!! It wasnt his time......

Jul 20, 2012
by: Stephanie

Thank u for you story and heartache. I am very sorry for your loss. I understand that God does miracles....... Like i said but why hurt us in such a harmful and cruel way?? Luckily my mom is a way stronger person than i am. I don't know if mentally i can go through this again with her. Luckily shes very healthy and im thankful. I have an awesome boyfriend which supports me in these rough times. I don't have any kids all i have is her and i tried therapy and other things to try to help but its been 3 years and 3 months and each year i just seem to get worse and worse. I thought a miracle was gonna happen but nothing. and no miracle ( in my case) will happen. This traumatized me more than i expected. Im very lost don't have the slightest idea where to go from here. Everything went down hill after my dad ( Manuel Berrondo) got sick suffered and was taken from our lives. From our condo (financially) a/c broke for 3 years, flooded apt all carpet got rotten, lost work and my school , friendships, etc.... Mentally destroyed! And be last april 5 2009 thankyou for your kind words

Jul 20, 2012
How could you dissappear?
by: Doreen U.K.

Stephanie I am sorry for the loss of your father.
Your story is similar to mine. My husband Steve was 65yrs of age. He worked with Asbestos in his 20's it takes 40-60years for this deadly cancer to develop. 40yrs. spot on Steve goes for an Xray. Shadow on the lungs. Biopsy. diagnosis on March 28th 2009, Steve had MESOTHELIOMA. A Deadly inoperative, incurable, aggressive cancer. Steve had chemo, radiotherapy but was ill throughout the whole 3yrs.39days of living with cancer. Steve was lying down all the time. He had no quality of life.
Steve started to be in severe pain. He needed constant back rubs. foot and body massages. We didn't know the cancer was in his bones. he detiorated rapidly. We had prayers going up all over England and America on the God channel for Steve to be healed. God can do miracles. God gave me strong evidence of miracles in all the books I read and also the TV Channels from America. This is why I was waiting for a miracle. I refused to believe Steve was dying. I am devastated. I didn't say good-bye. I thought Steve would get a miracle. STeve died 10 weeks ago on May 5th 2012. The grief journey is so very painfull. You wonder how you will go on in life without your loved one. Even taking one day at a time is hard. I ended up losing people from my life. After the funeral on 25th May 2012. Everyone scattered and my daughter and myself were left on our own to cope. Grief is a slow and very painfull process. Life is lonely, and empty now. We needed Steve. He was a carpenter. I now have to pay tradesmen to do all the unfinished jobs and problems that go wrong. Steve was a clever talented person. He was a super guy. It isn't fair. Why did this cancer come at 40yrs?
why not 50yrs. or 60 yrs. I will never know? There is no pain like the pain of grief. I am told it does get better. Hold onto that and know that every day is a day closer to healing. the loss for us is immense. WE don't want our lives to change. We want them to stay the same. Who wants to start over again. I hope that you can get the support you need from family and friends. Also a grief counsellor if you go this route.

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