How do i come to terms with it? Shes gone and i dont know how to go on...

by Courtnie Jean
(London, UK)

I don’t know how to feel. my nan passed away on Sunday June 22nd, we found out she had cancer in February, yet she had had it for 18 months previously. Things started getting more serious in late march when she was put in hospital and we didn’t know whether she was going to make it. From February it had only been me and my mum taking care of my nan and being her fulltime carers at home and then when we thought she was going to pass away in late April the rest of the family got involved. I feel so guilty right now because I had promised her I was going to cook her favourite apple pie for her because although she couldn’t physically eat it, she just wanted to smell it, and I feel that I wasted the last week of her life by only spending a few hours with her on the Monday when I should have been there more and spent more time with her. Right now I don’t know what to do, she was my everything my nan, she was always there for me when I needed a break from home, she was the only one in my family that really knew me and how I felt about certain things and was the only one I could talk to and now she's gone. Most of the time I feel numb, like its all a dream and I am going to wake up and go round her house and she will be there but the reality is, is that she's gone and I'm all alone. Since her death I've cried about 4 times, I always cry when I am alone because I have to be strong for my mum and siblings because they need me right now. Why did cancer have to take her away from me? I just wanted to spend a few more days with her, to say goodbye and tell her that I love her, and now I don’t get the chance to. I am just so lost and confused and I just don’t know how to go on without her...

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Jun 28, 2014
How do I come to terms with it? She's gone and I don't know how to go on...
by: Doreen UK

Courtnie-Jean I am so sorry for your loss of your grandma. Cancer is one of the worst diseases to live with because few people get remission. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago. my husband had his cancer growing slowly in his lungs for 40yrs. to fully develop into a terminal cancer. The sad fact is that we are all going to die but sadder still when we lose those closest to us who made a big difference in our lives. You are at the worst stage of raw grief when you feel numb and the pain is so unbearable you just want it to be over fast. At least with a headache you can take a pill. But not with grief. WE have all been through the stage you are at and I can assure you that you won't stay this way too long. Each day you will heal till the pain gets less. Just don't be too strong for your mum and family. You each must express your feelings and needs to each other as this will benefit you all in the healing process. The best way forward I learned on this site is to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Even one moment if it helps. It does work. I can't believe I have gotten through 2yrs.
You will learn to live again and move forward, but it will hurt for some time.

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