How do I deal with this

by Nancy

Sept 1981 I was raped and because I was a Christian I refused to have an abortion. The person who raped me was a roommate to the apartment caretaker but still a stranger. He wanted me to have an abortion. June 1982 my little girl was born. For many many years he stalked us. He would leave notes on my car, show up at my job, set fire to my apartment, needless to say we spent lots of time running away from him. We lived in Vancouver at the time. At one time, when my daughter was three, we even tried living in Toronto, in an apartment, rented out in my brother-in-laws name and he was arrested outside the apartment calling from the pay phone at the corner. So I decided to return back to Vancouver because I still felt safer there.
In June of 1989 her daycare was taking her on a vacation which required her to have a visa. This required her to have a long copy of her birth certificate showing that no father was mentioned. Which started a conversation between myself and my daughter she also wanted to know why we had to be on the run all the time. Then in 1991 while at the local grocery store I turned around and he was right behind me. I finally confronted him and said I was not going to be running from him any more and said if he wanted to met his daughter he could. So I took him with me, and we went to the daycare and introduced her to him. After that he stopped stalking us and we tried to get along and it worked as long as he was not drinking. He was never allowed to be alone with me or my daughter. I never developed a relationship with him and over time my daughter had developed a friendship with him. I left Vancouver and moved to Manitoba in 2000. In the past 2 or 3 years he claims to have become a Christian and every Sunday at 2 pm he would call me and ask me to marry him..and I would refuse.
My daughter remained in BC. married and has now a 3 year old son. She is now separated from her husband and due to have a second son any day now (Aug 1). The hard part here..her father - the man who raped me..went missing May 11 2013 and because of a brain injury had been living in a protective environment..the authorities have done land, sea, dog, searches, and only found his bones July 26, he was found without his brand new cowboy boots, and brand new back pack. I found out the news the same day, I was at the funeral of my friend Pam, 48 who had just died of a brain bleed something that my doctor is looking into for me. On Monday July 30th I had an MRI just to see what is going on with me. Fast forward today, my daughter, has now been rushed into the hospital because she can not feel her baby and I am hoping and praying it is because of all the stress that she is under and that the baby is fine. I feel like a nut case. I have already burnt a pot while I have tried making something to eat. I have broken a cup while trying to carry a cup of tea to the table and have hung up twice on my friend as she was trying to come up and see me. What am I supposed to be doing...Who am I supposed to be grieving for... I just don't know.. I feel like I am going crazy...Nancy

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Aug 04, 2013
How do I deal with this?
by: Doreen U.K.

Nancy you are not going crazy, you just have too much on your plate. If you can squeeze in some counselling this would benefit you. You really need to talk about the rape and how it has affected your life. You may have so many repressed feelings and losses that have piled up and now causing you to have accidents. I have been there so know. I went into counselling in my 40's. And the best thing I ever did for myself. I was fortunate to get the right counsellor for me who worked well and gave me back my life. I cope better now with life and loss and I am a positive person. You have coped well with so much in your life and there comes a point when you have to process what has happened in your life and grieve it all. It is only you and your daughter and grandkids and you need to be well enough to support each other. You can do it. I have no sympathy for the man who raped you. You seem to have been so caring that you took his feelings into consideration and tried to help him forge a relationship with his daughter. You have done your part, and more than many people could do in the same circumstances. It is now time for you. Don't lose yourself in all your losses. If you don't deal with it now it will just keep pressing for resolution. I hope your daughter has a healthy baby and that you all will be reunited. Stay close you need each other more now. I wish you a happier life.

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