how do I ever make love again
This is kind of embarrassing to talk about, because you see Bryan and I were very private people. The one thing that we never discussed with anyone but ourselves was about our sex life. Bryan used to talk about how the guys at work were always complaining about their wives and their bad or non-existent sex lives. He said that he would have loved to brag about how great his was, but he never did, he respected me too much to ever do that.
I was the same way, when people at work talked about their sex lives, I kept my mouth shut. I always wanted to brag but I didn't, people were already jealous because we had such a unique and special relationship. We were always amazed how the sex always seemed to be better than it was the time before, which we couldn't imagine how that could possibly be, it was already like being in heaven.
The morning that Bryan got discharged from the hospital I called and got our four poster bed out of layaway. Our old bed had become to uncomfortable for Bryan to sleep on, so I got our new bed out and my daughter's boyfriends assembled it for us. Bryan loved it, he said that he finally was able to get a good nights rest. He had to use a two-step stool to get up into the bed and so did (do) I, but we don't (didn't) mind.
We never got to make love in our new bed before he passed away. He was always apologizing for not being able to make love to me. I always told him not to worry about, that we would make love all night long when he was well. Oh God, that never happened, so now what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life.
I could never imagine ever being able to love anyone else, much less make love to someone else. NO ONE could ever come close to Bryan. I couldn't ever put anyone through that. If I can't be 100% committed, then I can't do it. That would be impossible, Bryan was and always will be my soulmate. OUR plots are already picked out and OUR headstone is already set. My place is beside him, so how could I ever ask or expect someone to love me, I can't. Oh God this is so hard. Somebody please wake me up from this nightmare. PLEASE!!!!!!