how do I ever make love again

by Donna

This is kind of embarrassing to talk about, because you see Bryan and I were very private people. The one thing that we never discussed with anyone but ourselves was about our sex life. Bryan used to talk about how the guys at work were always complaining about their wives and their bad or non-existent sex lives. He said that he would have loved to brag about how great his was, but he never did, he respected me too much to ever do that.

I was the same way, when people at work talked about their sex lives, I kept my mouth shut. I always wanted to brag but I didn't, people were already jealous because we had such a unique and special relationship. We were always amazed how the sex always seemed to be better than it was the time before, which we couldn't imagine how that could possibly be, it was already like being in heaven.

The morning that Bryan got discharged from the hospital I called and got our four poster bed out of layaway. Our old bed had become to uncomfortable for Bryan to sleep on, so I got our new bed out and my daughter's boyfriends assembled it for us. Bryan loved it, he said that he finally was able to get a good nights rest. He had to use a two-step stool to get up into the bed and so did (do) I, but we don't (didn't) mind.

We never got to make love in our new bed before he passed away. He was always apologizing for not being able to make love to me. I always told him not to worry about, that we would make love all night long when he was well. Oh God, that never happened, so now what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life.

I could never imagine ever being able to love anyone else, much less make love to someone else. NO ONE could ever come close to Bryan. I couldn't ever put anyone through that. If I can't be 100% committed, then I can't do it. That would be impossible, Bryan was and always will be my soulmate. OUR plots are already picked out and OUR headstone is already set. My place is beside him, so how could I ever ask or expect someone to love me, I can't. Oh God this is so hard. Somebody please wake me up from this nightmare. PLEASE!!!!!!

Comments for how do I ever make love again

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Jan 13, 2013
by: Anonymous

This is something that has been on mine sense my soul mate Terry passed away in 2012. We had such a rich life together we were truly one. In 1997 our sex life stopped because he was so sick. We would try off and on but he was to sick. Cuddle time "he had the touch." The time we spent was so rich and even now I can recall his touch and I miss his touch so very much. The ideal of another man I cannot even think of it. If and maybe when that time comes then he will have to be open and very honest about how I feel. Making love or not is a large part of being one. So be kind to your self and allow your self to heal. Tears are a good thing. Even now I find things that set me to tears. Terry was my next heart beat and breath.

Feb 07, 2011
by: Jess

WOW....I have wanted to ask that question for a while now, just never had the courage to. John has been gone for 20 months...almost 2 years. My heart catches on that realization. I am 35....he would have been 48. We NEVER had an issue with our love life. There are just some things, and some times that we shared I can not even imagine sharing with another man. I have desires, but to be honest, they are desires for him....I was talking to a friend the other night, and we got into the subject of My marriage with John, and how long it had been since he passed on...I don't remember how, but the subject of the physical part came out, and my friend just gasped and her mouth dropped when I told her it had been since March 5, 2009 that I had been with anyone. John passed May 13th, 2009. We just never saw the physical part as a necessity, Oh don't get me wrong, it was wonderful, but not needed. There were times when snuggling and whispering with each other was more important. I miss the physical contact, but not the sex. I miss the touch that only he had. I have had chances since, and I cant bring myself to even begin to think of it. I am sure the time will come, and when it does...well we will see. But, I am ok with not having it right now. I loved more in the 18 years we were together than alot of people get in a lifetime. I can live with that. Trust in who you are, what you have become....If there is another out there for you, time will tell. GOD has no clear answers for us right now, we just need to lean on him and each other. Keep coming back to this site, it has saved me many times.

Jan 28, 2011
by: Jackie

Hi Donna, I'm happy for you and jealous. Don't be embarrassed you and your husband had a good sex life. That's how God planned it. My husband was too ill for too long for us to have a good sex life for many years, that's why I'm jealous. I'm also happy for you. At this time in my life I can't imagine ever finding anyone new or even wanting to. My friends say don't worry you'll find someone. I don't want to find someone. My husband has been gone for three months and the pain is just as great today as it was the first day. Try to remember all the goods things you two did together and the memories. We had bought a new bed also. My husband never came home to use it. He died at the hospital shortly after it was delivered. I can't sleep in that bed. So far it just sits there unused by anyone. Try to survive as best you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jan 28, 2011
the seldom mentioned loss
by: Judy


I admire your bravery to bring up this topic because it is seldom mentioned and yet it is a real quandary for those who came from loving close marriages.

Bear and I always had a very good physical relationship and believe me I missed it when I lost him. No one ever really addresses the loss of the physical relationship even in the myriad of books on widowhood I have read except one, and her advice was keep busy and think of other things!

I too cannot imagine an intimate relationship with another man. I think that means we just aren't ready to go in that direction. So be it.

Keep coming to us to talk. There is no ok/not ok topic here.


Jan 27, 2011
Special Touch
by: Tom

I wish there was an easy answer for this. The hard part is we are human and need that human touch. My wife passed away on July 23rd of 2010 and we are a lot like you and Bryan. Our life was perfect but now I am left to wonder what I will be able to do. I like you already have my plot next to my wife with the headstone already set. I explained to my 2 sons that no matter who I meet or what I do, when my time comes I will be placed next to my wife, and I will explain this to any women I meet in the future. There is no one that could ever replace my wife and I spent over half of my life with her.

I have talked with my counselor about this and they said it will cause problems with future relationships. My outlook on it is if and when that time comes that I meet someone and they do not like my decisions about this, then they are not the right person for me. I know we have to move on but how do we do this?? Everyone tells me that life starts over for me but like I wrote in one of my post I like the old us and trying to force this new normal is something I don?t understand.

I wish there was some type of manual that told us how to do it or when to do it. I normally would not post anything on this type of post because we never talk about this but we are both in this process together and maybe we can give each other words of wisdom to how to keep moving forward.

Jan 27, 2011
by: Anonymous

Hi Donna,
We go on, because we have no other options.
None of us wanted to be in this situation.
Although sometimes time is not the great healer, it is said to be, we find the strength, somehow.
I, for the first year, don't remember much. Shock..Sadness.. and Grief...That's about it.

My Daisy, (you can find her on a general search, keywords my Daisy), passed away, last Jan (2010), of a terribly aggressive breast cancer. Not good for any of us to watch. She was my life, my happiness, and my reason for living. Now, I have her beautiful memory. And her child, my daughter, and my other daughter, from a previous marriage, to live for.

It is strange how values change, but you (we) cannot give in, or up. Not an option, unfortunately.

Time progressing does bring a bit more strength, the rest is up to us. What we do with our time now is all that matters. Although it has hurt me to hear, it is true, that Life HAS to go on. It really is hard, to see other couples, some happy, knowing we won't grow older with our spouses.

But what else is there to do, but salvage what beautiful memories we have, and go on, (as uncomfortable as it may sound), but as our passed spouses WOULD have wanted. Thank you for reading this. I hope time brings you peace, Bless you...

Jan 26, 2011
how do I ever make love again
by: jules

Donna - what you are saying is exactly what goes through my head at times. John and I had a really good sex life - in the years after his second heart attack, we had decided that quality was better than quantity - so if it didn't work that time (due to medication), well wait for the next time. Saying that, though, we possibly had it more than some people I have heard, in fact I can tell you that it is (27 January 2011) exactly 14 months and 10 days since we last had sex. And I miss it like crazy - we knew exactly how the other worked, and most times we had a ball (probably 7 out of 10 times).

This is something I have not told anyone else, and I too, don't know how I will make love with anyone else - if the opportunity ever arises.

one step, one breath
take care

Jan 26, 2011
For Donna
by: Mari

Hi Donna. What you are going through is not an unusual problem but people may feel shy to discuss it. However it is a real heartache. Making love is part of marriage and the love between 2 people.

Donna, of course you cannot imagine making love to anyone but Bryan. You are grieving.
Look at it this way. At this point in time you do not know what the future will bring. You may meet a fine man someday. Only God knows. At this time you feel you could never even consider that.
Leave all this in the hands of God and take things a day at a time. God knows how you feel.
You sure seem to be a kind caring person indeed.

Now as for things said at work I did not participate in their little discussions because believe me they gave details. That is not Holy and is to only between husband and wife. They knew better then to ask me anything about that or even swear in front of me.

To begin with, I feel as you do. I will not compromise my values but it would be nice to have a coffee date. It gets lonely just wanting to talk to someone. Since I work here at the complex and stay busy plus church 4 times a week I don't get many chances to meet people. All the brothers in church are married. My husband and I had many coffee dates.

I too miss that closeness with my husband and little things he said like,''Sweetheart, you kept me warm all night.'' Sometimes I would accidentally pull the covers off him and he would pull them back. The nights are the hardest and the loneliest.

I haven't the faintest idea if God wants me to remarry or not but I do miss the closeness. It is really too soon for me to think about that but as I said, you never know what God has in store for you, nor for me for that matter.

You need comfort and healing. What I do is ask God to get me through each day. Trust in him. That is all you can do. Time is a great healer. This life we have have is not of our choosing and it sure hurts.

We care for you and you need never be embarrassed because it is quite possible everyone here is feeling the same way.

I can imagine how you feel about that new bed. Well, your heart was in the right place buying it for the 2 of you.

Bryan was a blessed man to be so loved by you. You will be okay but time is what you need. Take care. God bless you.

Jan 26, 2011
desire and guilt
by: Anonymous


Thank you for mentioning the unmentionable.

We are still human beings even after surviving grief. At some point we wonder about the physical aspect of things. Obviously the hush hush, no never! idea of another man? anothers touch?!! is so taboo. We feel that we are cheating on the one that we loved and still love. There is the human need for closeness, whether it be a hug or eventually something more. We all know what that means but we want what we had, so it really does put our minds in a tailspin doesn't it?

It is two ideas fighting one another isn't it?
I cannot imagine anyone else, yet I yearn for someone to hold me, let me feel safe, let me feel desired. If I can barely write (the words) about making love to another man, I suppose it will be a long time till desire wins out over guilt.

All in all, I know what you mean and have thought of such things, but am not ready to act on those thoughts or desires...Yet.

I just thought that I would let you know that we all eventually need somebody. I honestly think that it is easier for men to convert to the physical side of things after grief than for a woman. We Make Love (differently) with our minds and bodies.

There for a more difficult leap.
So know whatcha mean jelly bean...
(Oh my...the word below is zipper)

Jan 26, 2011
by: Zoe

You know it's funny a friend of mine asked me when I thought I would be going out again. He put it that I am too young to be alone for the rest of my life. But to be honest, it has never occurred to me that there would ever be someone else. I cannot imagine ever having anyone touch me but John. I always joked we were each other's first and we were each other's last. For me, that is the way it will be. I just don't see another option.

We don't get to wake up, we live this nightmare.
But keep coming here and writing, this is the place to say what you cannot say anywhere else.

and remember
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Jan 26, 2011
Making Love
by: Colleen

Do not worry; if or when you meet some one special it will come naturally. Do not forget, most people are untruthful about their sex live. Bruce and I were also very private people. Some things are sacred. The people who complain about their sex life are being disrespectful to their partners. Keep in mind there is a difference between sex and making love. As to what we do for the rest of our lives, I do not know the answer.

Jan 26, 2011
Thanks for having the guts..........
by: PatJ

Donna~thank you for being the brave one! I have had these thoughts. After being married for 37 years, the thought of having sex with another man seems too ridiculous to think about right now. You are so much like me. I will not settle for anything less than what I had with my husband.

My friends keep saying, "Oh just give it a few years (my husband has only been gone for a few months), you'll change your mind." I know I will never be able to be with someone else. I'm fine with that. I feel like I have enough beautiful memories to carry me through the rest of my life.

I had the best ((((and yes awesome wonderful sex right up until he became so ill)))) and I will always compare anyone else to Joe. My children would die if they knew their mother was writing about her sex life on the internet.
Hugs and blessings to you.

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