How do I forgive him for killing you?
Yesterday my dear friend was shot and killed by her husband with her 4 children there. I am so heartbroken. So crushed. Those poor babies left behind with no mother or father. I'm having such a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this. I am so much more hurt by this than I ever thought I could be. The tears won't stop.
I met my dear friend Summer through my husband. She was dating and eventually married my husbands cousin. We had so much in common. We both have 4 children. Three girls and 1 boy. We liked the same fashions and music. We were both completely devoted to our husbands even though they could both be jerks sometimes (what husband can't?) We were both in interracial marriages with mixed children and we understood each other's struggles. We had the same struggles. We needed no words, we understood.
We even understood the struggles of domestic abuse. I had been in a very violent relationship with my first child's father as had she with her first three children's father who was no longer in their lives. My husbands cousin was the only father they knew. They had their own child together around the same time we had our son. They were a beautiful family on the surface but she had not totally escaped the domestic violence. Granted their relationship was a giant step up from her previous one but that did not change the drug and alcohol addiction that plagued her husband. Every time things started looking up and getting better, he would screw things up again. She was always there to clean up his messes. Bail him out of jail or whatever mess he had gotten himself into. We spent a lot of couple/family time together. We always had pretty open communication about our relationship troubles. We talked through a lot of good and bad times together. But his demons proved too strong.
I still don't know all of the details. But what I do know is that at 4am the two of them were arguing. I don't know about what. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. I know she shoved the gun between her legs to try and keep it from him. As he reached between her legs to take it from her the gun went off and my dear friend and mother of 4 beautiful children bled out and died at the hospital.
I truly do not think he was trying to murder his wife, my friend. I do believe she was trying to stop him from taking the gun and doing something to hurt someone else in one of his drug/alcohol rages. But that doesn't change the fact that his stupidity, selfishness and immaturity has changed so many lives forever in such a horrible way. Including his own children. Those beautiful children.
These 4 beautiful children who have no mommy to tuck them into bed tonight or any other night. These 4 beautiful children who have no mommy to dry their tears and tell them it's ok, they are safe, it's just a bad dream, because it's not a bad dream! It's very very real! My heart won't, can't stop hurting. I don't even know if I will be able to have a relationship with these 4 beautiful children I have grown to love dearly because I don't know who or how on earth any one is going to be able to take on all 4 of these children. Family is limited. I pray they aren't separated, all they have now is each other. My husband and I would love to keep them but we have very limit resources and no rights. And we are family of the destroyer of this family. My heart is shattered.
She lived for him, she died for him. She loved him endlessly. I know she would want me to forgive him. I know she would want me and my husband to stand by him so he is not all alone. She gave her life for him. But I'm so angry at him for what he's taken from them and from me! I want to know if he finally figured it out or if she love him and died for him all in vain. How do I forgive him for taking her? How do I make sure I do everything in my power to let these children know how much their mother truly loved them and what a beautiful soul she is/was? I'm feeling so angry, hurt, lost and alone.
I love you Summer, I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often. I miss you Summer, I don't think I'll ever stop. I promise to do everything I can to make sure that this world and the people in it never forget what a beautiful soul you are. Rest in peace now dear friend.