How do I get off this roller coaster?
One minute I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing uncontrollably. One time I look at your picture and I'm so full of love and have that sweet warmth of your love. The next time I feel an indescribable pain that takes all the air out of the room. I feel ......What? What do I feel? I don't even know anymore.
You've been my strength, my reason, my happiness, my joy for so long. Now, when I need that strength and stability the most; I don't know how or where to find it. It was you; you were it. I've never been weak. I've always been the B. Now, my battery goes out on my car and I sob like a 3 year old. My insides jitter as if I'm on a caffeine rush. My hands tremble. I can't focus.
On the movie Sleepless in Seattle when the wife dies, the man says you can work; you can work hard, work will save you. He was right. The last 2 days have been incredibly busy trying to catch up from the week I missed. Now, today, I find myself with way too much spare time. I can't function when left to my own thoughts.
I want you back so much. I hate every man I see simply because he's alive. I have such evil thoughts "Why can't he be dead and you still be here?". Of course, then some other woman would be in pain.
But, there are so many truly evil and worthless people in this world using up air that you could be breathing! It is NOT fair! Oh my God, I think I'm going crazy. I am not the evil person I feel myself becoming. Was I only good because you made me that way? Was I only strong because you made me that way? I don't know if I can do this without you baby.