How do I get off this roller coaster?

by Teresa
(Lufkin, Texas)

One minute I'm fine, the next I'm sobbing uncontrollably. One time I look at your picture and I'm so full of love and have that sweet warmth of your love. The next time I feel an indescribable pain that takes all the air out of the room. I feel ......What? What do I feel? I don't even know anymore.

You've been my strength, my reason, my happiness, my joy for so long. Now, when I need that strength and stability the most; I don't know how or where to find it. It was you; you were it. I've never been weak. I've always been the B. Now, my battery goes out on my car and I sob like a 3 year old. My insides jitter as if I'm on a caffeine rush. My hands tremble. I can't focus.

On the movie Sleepless in Seattle when the wife dies, the man says you can work; you can work hard, work will save you. He was right. The last 2 days have been incredibly busy trying to catch up from the week I missed. Now, today, I find myself with way too much spare time. I can't function when left to my own thoughts.
I want you back so much. I hate every man I see simply because he's alive. I have such evil thoughts "Why can't he be dead and you still be here?". Of course, then some other woman would be in pain.

But, there are so many truly evil and worthless people in this world using up air that you could be breathing! It is NOT fair! Oh my God, I think I'm going crazy. I am not the evil person I feel myself becoming. Was I only good because you made me that way? Was I only strong because you made me that way? I don't know if I can do this without you baby.

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Jul 13, 2010
I hope this may help in some small way...
by: daddys girl

I pray for you and my mother, both who have lost the one person they have ever loved. I am very sorry this has happened. I hope your story and the others' stories reach out to those who still have time, and they become more aware and grateful for that time they still have with their loved one.

It is never going to be consistent, I can say that with honesty and sadness. It's always going to be up and down with anger, happiness, sadness/pain, strength, weakness, loneliness, hope, regret, love, and every other emotion you could possibly feel. I can only pray for the wives who have lost their husbands, and the children who have lost their fathers. Try to stay busy, but never forget, and in your weakest moments remember that their happiness was with you.

Please take care
- K.

Jul 12, 2010
No exit...
by: Hope

There is no exit off the roller coaster. Sorry to say. One day I too am strong dealing. Have to, I have a child to muster up, often faked courage for. And before all this I was strong, did what I had to in a no nonsense type of manner. But now I am weak, angry, jealous of others that still have their spouse, and don't know their worth. All music seems to be pointed at my current situation. Through all the rough times called living. I have survived, yet now I wonder about my own sanity. Without him...

My best to you in your journey for peace...HH

Jul 12, 2010
sisters in grief
by: Marilyn

I do know what you are feeling and it hurts, it hurts badly, and I am sorry I can't make you better, but i am trying to survive myself. My heart is with you, my e-mail is brickermarilyn if you need to talk. Marilyn

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