How do I go on?

by Sue
(South Africa)

Hello... It is just over 5 months since Brian died and I am going through all the stages of mourning and the world feels like a horrible place because I am all alone in it. I don't mean that my friends have not been absolutely wonderful or that my daughters ( both far away unfortunately and both grieving for their precious Dad) have not been supportive and always ready to listen............ its just that I have suddenly come to the hideous realisation that there is no-one to comfort me through this terrible pain in my heart. The one person who I turned to always and who could make the world look better from within his embrace, the one person who has comforted me all our married life, is gone forever. I held him in my arms while he drew his last breath - everyone tells me how lucky I was to be with him at the end, but to watch the person you love so much die is the most ghastly experience I have ever, ever had. I am having such an awful day today. Its raining and cold and grey and my house echoes with silence, except for my tears. His beloved voice has gone.
I don't know how to do this. There is no person except him who I need. No-one can heal this hole in my soul. I am going overseas to visit my daughter in England next week and that is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I know my girls need me but I feel as though I have nothing to give them. These tears burn like fire. Does it get better? - I keep falling backwards.

Comments for How do I go on?

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Oct 02, 2011
how long does the grief last?
by: Anonymous

My husband died 3 months ago. The first while was easier than it is now. I miss him so much. I cry every day ---- the first couple of months I cried maybe only every 2 or 3 days. I was eating better. Now I'm eating less. Our marriage was volatile ----- -extremely happy, and also extremely bad. I felt like I was on a see saw for 42 years --- back and forth, back and forth. But now I just miss him so much and want even the bad times back. The grief is so overwhelming. I thought it should be getting better instead of worse. I'm so tired all the time. Of course I'm depressed because of all of this. I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I don't like medications, so I won't take any. But my doctor hasn't prescribed them anyway. He says this is normal grief. How do I get through it? Please offer some suggestions. I'm 65 years old. I have no idea what the future holds, and right now it all looks bleak.

Aug 28, 2011
One day at a time
by: Anonymous

I understand what you mean, Sue. It's been almost six years since my best friend died and I have had days that it is hard to go on.

I think the only thing to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward. Don't worry about what others say or think. This is YOUR grief, this is YOUR journey. You are the only one who knows what's right for YOU.

It's a long process, and I've learned that one day at a time is really all we can do.

Thinking of you.

Aug 28, 2011
We Just Do
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel. Everyone keeps telling me it gets better. I'm still waiting for that to happen. It's been almost 9 months for me. Some days I feel like I'm making progress....then the least little thing just sets me off.
Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I see life going on all around me and I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I see my son and daughter moving on after their father's death and that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Their dad should be here. My grandsons get bigger every day and their grandpa isn't here to be part of it.
I have a good day followed by two really bad days. I guess that's progress since the 5 months following my husband's death were all bad day. I'm waiting for the time to come that I actually get excited about something. I know I've been very impatient during this grief journey. I have to work on be a bit more patient. We just do the best we can and try to find little things to be happy about.
We just go on. I want to get to the point where I feel like I'm more than just existing. I guess it's little baby steps.
As Always~
one breath, one step at at time

Aug 28, 2011
You just keep going on.
by: Annie

You do have someone--you have you. I felt the same way you do. I had friends and family all around me but still felt so alone. Then I realized that Clyde loved me and because of that I must have been a pretty good person. I spent some time with me, getting to know me, relying on me, laughing at me, and becoming my best friend. In the 31 years I was married to Clyde, I spent all my time with him, taking care of him, and loving him. He was my validation of who I was. When he died, I did not know who I was. Spend some time getting to know you and depending on you. When I came to some degree of peace with myself, I started feeling Clyde around me. I feel he is proud of me and wants me to find some kind of happiness. I was so fortunate to have met him and known him.

Until you and Brian meet again, honor him by trying to live the rest of your life with peace and happiness. It will be a different peace and happiness but you will find them.

Have a great trip to England and know all of us on this site are with you in spirit. You are not alone.

Aug 28, 2011
How do I go on?
by: Donna

It has been 13 months since my Bryan has gone to heaven and unfortunately we are on a rollercoaster ride from hell. Sure there are days that the pain eases up and you have a good day. Then all of a sudden your back to day one, the most horrible day of your life. And like you said the only thing that can make it better is no longer here with us physically. I to miss the hugs that could always make everything all better. I was also there when he took his last breath, actually he collapsed in my arms after fulfilling his last wish. He told me one day that he only had two wishes when it was his time to go, the first thing was to die at home, not in a hospital, which he did. The second thing he said was that the last thing that he wanted to see on this earth was my beautiful face, which he did. He was going to get in the shower and get ready to go see the doctor and I had stepped into the living room to tell my daughter that I would have to take her to the store later that her dad had to go see the doctor because he had gotten so sick and couldn't hold anything down. I had just stepped back into the room as he was coming around the bed, he looked at me and I said baby and he collapsed in my arms. I screamed and my oldest daughters boyfriend ran in and helped me get him on the bed, and I did cpr for 30 minutes until the ambulance finally got here(we live 3 minutes from the hospital). It was the most horrible thing that I have ever gone through. I know that he is out of pain and not suffering anymore, but I still want him back every second of every day. I think I always will at least until we meet again in heaven. So I go one breath, one step, one day at a time. Bryan I love you forever, until we meet again.

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