How Do I Go On?

by Mrs. Williams
(Queens, NY)

My mother was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, so God gave her 8 children 3 years to spend with her. She was a 55 y/o great grandmother, with 5 girls & 3 boys. Everyone who has met her loved her the second minute of knowing her. My mother had a heart breaking life. She lost my father/her husband, when he was 22 (1981). My mother was unable to raise her first 4 children, due to my father passing (murdered). My sister & I were raised by our fraternal grandparents; however, when our mother needed us, due to the cancer, my oldest sister & I stepped in. We put our lives on hold, just to take care of her. I was a married-full time student, with 3 boys. I enjoy driving, so I made it my priority to take my mother to all her necessary appointments, as well as pick up her medication. I am also the most humorous in my family, so laughter came easily, when I was in my mother's presence. My husband is an international chef, so his responsibility was to make certain my mother was getting the proper nutrients. My sister was in the military, so administrative work was her focus; therefore, she scheduled all appointments & worked along with my mother's medical team. I'm sharing this to demonstrate how we all played a part in nurturing my mother. My mother wanted to leave her doctors and my home (as a good mother would) to be with our youngest sibling, who was in minor trouble. We flew our mother back to NY, where we reside, due to her health failing. She got so much better, but left again when the sibling called again. My mother went from bad to worse. My older sister packed her bags and she & her 10 y/o disabled daughter flew South, just to sit with our mother who eventually ended up in Hospice. I paid for all expenses, just to make my sister's stay pleasant. My sister sat with her for weeks, keeping me informed. I am grateful for Skype, because I was able to talk and laugh with my Mommy, during her final days. When she passed, I was devastated. She left me. Everything I do reminds me of her. I've heard I was her twin, since I was a baby. My sister tells me, "Mommy's resting and is in a better place." All I can understand is ...... My mother is in the ground, with dirt on top of her. I just want to hold her & tell her that I'm proud of her for fighting for us, for loving us the way she did. For doing what she did, in order for us to have a better life. My heart breaks, when I hear music or think about her. Tears are falling as I type this. Sometimes I feel I should have done more.

Comments for How Do I Go On?

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May 08, 2013
Thank you:•)
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing that Pat. It feels good knowing someone understands my pain. 😊

May 08, 2013
Dear Mrs. Williams' Daughter,
by: Pat in Missouri

Sweet Child,
You did everything you could do and more. Your mother obviously taught you and your siblings well. You were all excellent caregivers. I felt the same way you are feeling about the your mother's body being in the ground with dirt over it. At his request, I had to bury my fiance' in 2011. My father and brother also died that year, but they chose cremation. I am so glad they did. I don't want to ever have to think of them in the ground.

My mother passed in 2009. She had also requested cremation. It was my parents' wish that when the second spouse died, their ashes be scattered together. My 2 remaining siblings and I got together last Fall, in my parents' favorite place in Colorado, and scattered their ashes together over the mountains, which they loved. I see them in the breeze, in the rainbows, in the flowers, but the real beauty is that when the body dies, the spirit is still alive. I believe that we are born, we live on this earth, then the body passes away, but the spirit is always among us.

When my fiance' died, I was called to the hospital. He had died about 15 mins. earlier. I sat with his body until it became cold, crying hysterically. All of a sudden I saw angels come in the room and take him away. It was very real. I have heard of other people having the same experience. Even though my fiance' requested burial, he said it did not matter to him that his body would be in the ground with dirt over it because he wouldn't really be there. And he was right. The angels had already taken him to Heaven. I actually saw this. I visit his grave occasionally, but I feel closer to him at home, when I feel his touch or he talks to me. I also have his dog. He has been a huge comfort to me.

If you can think of your mother being with the angels, rather than in the ground, it will be easier to handle. The body is really just the cloak for the spirit. I know that you will feel your mother's presence in time. I know this is very difficult for you. The loss of someone so close always leaves a big void in our lives. I feel it too. I send you many hugs. Take care. Pat

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