How do I recover his suicide?
We were married only a few days short of 30 years. I had spent at least 25 of those years watching him try to kill himself. Sitting up all night watching him breath, so if he stopped, I could finally call for help.
The stress of it finally made me leave him in 2004. In 2005, June, he finally made it. I know that this time I wouldn't have been able to stop him even if I had been there, his internal suffering had become too big.
Because my leaving him was connected with my own emotional breakdown in 2001, I had already very efficiently closed off most off my emotions, or my heart, however you want to describe it when he passed.
Now I find the depression and axiety I live with daily to be more debilitating than the physical ailments I am on disability for. I believe much of what I feel every day to be directly related to my failure to experience my true grief over his loss.
Panic attacks and agoraphobia have become my way of life.