How do I recover his suicide?

by Linda

We were married only a few days short of 30 years. I had spent at least 25 of those years watching him try to kill himself. Sitting up all night watching him breath, so if he stopped, I could finally call for help.

The stress of it finally made me leave him in 2004. In 2005, June, he finally made it. I know that this time I wouldn't have been able to stop him even if I had been there, his internal suffering had become too big.
Because my leaving him was connected with my own emotional breakdown in 2001, I had already very efficiently closed off most off my emotions, or my heart, however you want to describe it when he passed.
Now I find the depression and axiety I live with daily to be more debilitating than the physical ailments I am on disability for. I believe much of what I feel every day to be directly related to my failure to experience my true grief over his loss.
Panic attacks and agoraphobia have become my way of life.

Comments for How do I recover his suicide?

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Dec 03, 2012
How do I recover his suicide?
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I spent too many years just existing and wanting to die. I had 3 children and was struggling with terrible emotions. I eventually by a miracle got a counsellor who gave me my life back for the first time. I became a more integrated person. My whole family was fractured and I was caretaker to all 5 siblings and my parents. It took its toll on me and I found life too difficult to go on in.
It must have been immensely difficult for you to endure the 25yrs. living with a man who was suicidal. You should have had the correct support from your doctor and social services. I can understand your need to leave your husband in 2004. You are not able to cope with this problem by yourself. The problem has gone on for too long and it has damaged you. A psychologist/counsellor would be a good source of support to you at this time. Don't neglect this area. You can and you will be able to move forward, and be in a mentally healthier and happier place. Whilst you are off work on disability you could use this time efficiently to look after yourself in counselling. It will be painfull. But one day you will wake up and your world will feel better and you will be amazed at how quickly you are able to move into a meaningful life that is not meant to be miserable or to live with misery. You don't need to feel GUILTY. Your husband was in a world he could not live in and he drew you into his world and it must have been difficult. I have every empathy with those people who have mental health difficulties and are suicidal. I have been there and conquered this. I thought I would never recover and get out of my miserable world. When you are in this frame of mind you can't help yourself. But skilled people can. Do everything you can to get this help. You will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner and realise you have missed out on good quality of life. It is never too late to start living and living well. You cannot just grieve your loss of husband without looking at all the other losses and putting this into context. Grief has a process. In counselling the whole area of Loss is looked at. As we go through life we suffer many losses only we don't explore this. It can build up in us and affect who we are as a person. Best wishes. Be Happy You deserve this.

Dec 03, 2012
The Enemy
by: Anonymous

He loves to keep us isolated. Out of relationships. Disconnected from the world. Disconnected from God. Do not let him win! You are stronger than that. You have the power to rise above your circumstances.

Dec 02, 2012
For Linda
by: Judith in California

Linda, You know you could have done nothing to prevent him from his hell bent self distruction. HE should have been going through some serious therapy all those years. Maye he would have been able to deal with his inner demons. My thought is he is now out of his misery and at peace and where he wanted to be. please try to find some acceptance and your peace with that thought.

You, now, would be best to go through some therapy for you. There are medications for panic attacks. Anther thing is when you have one try to busy yourself doig somethign tha requires you to think hard like cleaning out drawers, writing a letter describng how you feel and about your chidhood. I used to have them and I cured myself from agorophobia by forcing my self to take small 30 minute trips and then adding fifteen minutes to it until I could take a two hour trip without wondering where the bathrooms were. The reason for that change was when I saw a television show that had a psychiatrist talking about it. Until then I had no Idea what it was I suffered from. Those things were suggestions from him.

Take care of you and count on God to help you with the emotional healing.

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