How do I start grieving for my father while I'm still grieving my mother?? 10 months apart.

by Tia

I appreciate the chance to write here. I have a little private box of grief inside of me. I have carried it since my mother died very suddenly at the end of October. Now my father has died, two days ago. Ten months after my mother. I suffered every month since my mother died. The days ran one into the other. Seasons haven't mattered. One month has hurried into the next. The winter, spring, summer now almost gone. All the while I have cared for my father and visited him almost daily at a care center close to my home. His health was declining and it just came to its end and he is now suddenly really gone. My wonderful father spent eight hours in inpatient hospice which I had to help decide for him, in place of dialysis that was offered, yet would not have benefited his condition. Here is my question. I feel as if I have already been through so much pain and I am sort of tucking him under the wing of the grief that I have been tugging and ironing out for my mother. It's as if he has stepped into line, but somewhere farther down the path of my grief. Yet, I know that if I don't grieve for him for as long as I have grieved for her, then I am denying something to try to lessen my pain. I am noticing I am feeling more able to transcend the shock this time, as I know he is not suffering with his physical self now. But it is almost scary how I have almost ushered him into the path of my mother's grief and I feel like I am trying to be happy and jump ahead and not feel his loss as deeply, even though I love him and miss him just as much. What is going on with me? I am so afraid to feel the pain I felt for my mother so intensely all over again for month after month and added to what I have already endured and started to heal from a little. Is it possible I can let this pain be less intense now and okay that I block it out. It seems like it should be much more just two days after he has passed. Could it be that it's because I am so much less shocked and aware that he was really sick, unlike my mother who died so suddenly from a heart attack? Could anyone comment?

Comments for How do I start grieving for my father while I'm still grieving my mother?? 10 months apart.

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Aug 17, 2014
reply to Mary
by: TIa

Mary, thank you for your kind empathy, despite feeling that you never had either mother or father. You are extraordinary that you reach out to others to comfort them. I am sure that the mother or father you biologically had gave you, through their genes, this gift of kindness. We all have some sort of "parent" I believe and could only express love like this if we are shown love somehow. So thank you for sharing that.

Aug 16, 2014
I am so sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I never had a Mother or Father to love me, so I don't know what it feels like. Maybe grief counseling would help. Let your tears flow and remember the good times. What a joy it must have been to have these relationships. The heart is a complex vessel.

God Bless,


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