How do we move forward

by Jen
(Northern Ireland)

Hi Everyone,

Im now 2 yrs 3 months into this unwanted journey and yes i am coming on really well.
My issue is that after all we have been thro we must still struggle in this next journey of moving forward in our lives.
Yes, i feel i want and should i say necessity to move on with my life and feel i may (or may not) be ready but where do we start to be given the chance.

My anger is now with the shell that is left behind and im so cross that we must continue to suffer even move in our journey.
The loneliness is horrific, the want to move on is there but its yet again another struggle.
I would love to be held again, needed and just have a life as i know Richard would have wanted me too.

Its so lonely even tho the kids keep me busy but i really need to be needed too!!

Love to u all
Jenx

Comments for How do we move forward

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Apr 03, 2011
for Jen
by: Mari

You are doing what you are suppose to do Jen, move forward. The journey is not an easy one but you are doing it. Time and God is on your side.
I realized today after a period of depression from missing my husband that it has only been 1 yr and 4 months and I am bound to miss my husband so I better shape up.God isn't going to do it all for me. I have to keep going. Of course I am going to miss him. My heart aches. But others need me too.This realization perked me up.
Well Jen. I put in a 9 hour shift and church tonight. I am tired but it is a good kind of tired. Esp when the boss asked me how the residents acted and I said they were as good as gold. She said,''They are always good for you.'' My job is very worthwhile and I feel needed. It gives me a chance to lavish kindness on the residents.
Anyway I understand the loneliness but I suppose it is natural under the circumstances. Now do not lose heart Jen. You are doing better then you think and we care for you. In fact I think you are pretty wonderful. Just take each day as it comes. God bless you.

Apr 03, 2011
I am so happy for you Jen :)!
by: Hope

Jen,

I am so proud and glad that you are starting to live. I do not mean leaving the past behind it is part of who we are/were.

I want what you want, to be able to allow life to continue on, not to be stuck in what was/is the worst part of our life. Let your heart lead you it will not let you down. There will be disappointments and joy as there should be. Life is a rollercoaster as is grief but we will be able to handle it knowing that it is a gift, not to be taken for granted but appreciated.

I am towards the end of this long battle with grief. My Love will never be forgotten but we do need to allow hope and joy into our lives. The quiet desperation that was always my companion has finally gone. I want to live as much as felt like I was dying. And for that...I am so grateful. Much love and hope your way, I truly mean that...
HH

Apr 02, 2011
Stepping forward
by: To Hope

Hope,
You are a truely remarkable woman.
You may not see that urself but you have been of huge help to me over the months.
The support u give to me and others is so generous and real.
I feel a contentment within me and i feel a great desire to take that next step forward,
Im joining a tennis club and feel strongly now to move forward. Its a sorta contentment has come over me and i feel its real.
I have had a few nights out with friends recently and it felt so good to get out, to go out and yes enjoy myself. And i have.
I got chatting to a lovely man and we have been texting each other daily and its so refreshing.
I love to get his texts, its just lovely that someone sees something in me and wants to keep in touch.
Its exciting and feels good. I feel no guilt and altho its only texting i feel i can do this, maybe not this time but it has proved to me that i can do it and i now want to.
My kids r 15 and 17 now and they are getting independent and are out and about so much now.
On that note my youngest would have difficulty with the idea of me 'moving on' but we must grab life and take it. We will be the ones left behind when they get up and leave. And altho they are our world there must be space for ourselves in there too...when the time is right..
Time is a great healer, i never would have believed that but its true.
Richard will be in my heart for ever and ever but who knows i hope there may be space for some more opportunities.
I wish you well Hope and when u are ready you will step forward.
We of all people deserve happiness after all we have been thro and continue to..
Im stepping forward with u... Go girl!!

Jenx

Apr 01, 2011
How I am trying...
by: HH

Jen,

Have you given some thought to what the.esoteric.love said? It really got me thinking in fact it is exactly what I have fumbled in my mind with these past weeks.

Looking half heartedly for someone who might fill the vast void of loneliness that grows with the months passing. I knew that I was not ready nor would it be fair to find a stand in for Paul. But I knew that the company of my 13 year old as companionship was not cutting it either.

I work I sleep and I eat probably too much in combination. So I had decided to do some of the things that I always wanted to do.

With a child and no one to watch him for my possible social activities (yeah right) I got tickets for Lynard Skynard anyway. Lawn seats for 38 special go on sale today and at $25 ea. Even I can afford that.

I hope to camp my way down to Fla. this summer.
there has to be things that we can do that don't cost that much money. Get your local paper and go. It is hard to go alone but it is worse to be alone. Don't let fear stop you from being happy.

Take a chance and get use to being comfortable in your own skin. Everything else will work it self out. I promise, I will if you will o.k?
HH

Mar 24, 2011
Moving Forward...
by: the.esoteric.love

Hi Jen,
Moving forward is a conscious decision that requires you to accept a new level of your journey where you must find courage within, to accept what you cannot change, and to have faith that necessary change will occur for you in due time. Positive change for you may be spontaneous, or it may present in little bouts of joy, moments of happiness, friendship and togetherness you experience with family and close loved ones in your daily life. These moments will inspire in you new hope, new light, and will open your eyes to reason and purpose to the existence of your own being and contribution to this Earth. Nobody expects you to become 'whole again' or reach a place of comfort and peace that may have existed before. Nothing, and nobody can change the past or what has been taken from you, and you must (for the sake of yourself and your children) learn to let go of the 'WHYs' and injustice felt from the tragedy which has struck you. It is hard, beyond HARD and there are just no words to adequately sum up the pain and hardship of being left alone, perhaps in the dark with lack of answers, and feel trapped in a place where part of who you are, your 'identity' as such, has been ripped off. You may be experiencing a very deep lingering sadness, that is consistent and engulfing because ultimately, you are struggling to comprehend 'how' and 'why' it had to be you, and what on Earth are you suppose to do without the other 'half' that completed you. Frankly, you feel you cannot quite piece yourself back together again, cause very significant pieces of who you were (or identified with i.e. your husband) have been lost. Without him, your sense of self feels depleted, and you are hurting and fighting to find reason and justification for this excruciating loss.
My advice to you would be to attempt to be more conscious of your thinking patterns, and begin to start healing by working on finding the better part of you, that use to bring happiness, positivity and joy to people. You must begin to reconstruct your life by revitalising your inner and outer energy, through exercise, hobbies, and quality time with the people you love. All the things you admired in your loved one, and all the things they brought out in you, FOCUS on ways to retrieve those feelings.. engage in practical solutions to keep yourself busy and productive, and to achieve things on an independent level. Small goals and little steps.. that is the key. Remember you are never alone.. this is a period in your life where challenges are presented to you, and those who watch and go through it with you, may not feel so alone if they can relate to what you're going through...
thanks for sharing your story... and Good Luck with everything in your life.

Mar 24, 2011
for Jen
by: Mari

Hi Jen. I am thinking that we are going to have periods of time when we do well. Then loneliness sets in. We were not meant to be alone and it is a difficult journey. I truly understand.
I would suggest asking God to help you and show you how he wants you to move on. Of course you want to held. That is completely natural and it is lonely not to be held.

We really care for you and how you feel.
I am feeling the same way. I am coming along well too. I have a new part time job in addition to the one at home and have the new great grandaughter who brings joy. I am lonely too because my sweetheart is not here to see our great grandbaby who is just 2 1/2 months old. He would be proud of the way I have managed and how pretty the house is getting. But it seems like it is just for me, not him.

We will make it Jen. I heard a song in church that truly lifted my spirits called ''El me lavantara''. ( He will lift me up.)''And so He does. We just need to go to the one who can lift us up. Take care of yourself. We are here for you whenever you want to express your feelings.

Mar 23, 2011
YOUR LOSS
by: Anonymous

HI JEN
I HAVE RECENTLY JUST LOST MY HUSBAND TO LIVER CANCER AND YET I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I EVER FELT SAFE WITH.
KIND REGARDS
HONI

Mar 23, 2011
Like yourself first don't worry about the rest it will follow
by: Hope

Jen,

You are about a year ahead of me in the griefathon. I know exactly what you are talking about. I Miss Paul soooooooo much. I miss the simple Hi honey! How was your day? The kiss as we dashed off to start our days. I even miss his cheesy sci-fi movies that I would roll my eyes at.

The thought of another "replacing" him is ridiculous. It cannot be done, But can I heal enough to let someone in without comparing him to Paul is the more difficult question. It would be unfair to him and to me. I can not even write the word him Not being Paul yet, even it is only the fictitious wanderings of my thoughts.

I wish I had easy answers...I like to think that one day we will meet someone that it is easy to be around and after a while it may or may not develop; until then... patience, be happy within yourself. Only then can people see what we are and the love and/or companionship that we might have.

My thoughts are with you miles away. We can do this, things will work out eventually.
HH

Mar 23, 2011
Me Too:)
by: Patti

Jen~
I'm only 4 months into this horrific journey. I lost everything we had in this life fighting for my husband's health. I would do it all over again. He was a wonderful man.
Is it time for you? How exciting. But yes....where do you start? Looking for happiness can be overwhelming too. I know what you mean.....my children and little grandsons keep me plenty busy but that doesn't help the lonely nights. The nights are the worst.
I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I sort of envy you and wish I was further into this grief thing. Yesterday I had my first day that I didn't shed one tear. I thought about it today and cried. Isn't that ridiculous? I can't quite bring myself to look at too many pictures or listen to the CD my daughter's friend Kelly prepared for the funeral. I'll get there.
God's blessings to you and good for you:)!! I hope to follow in your courageous footsteps.

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