How do you escape from the memories? The darkest days

Hello it's been a while but I need to vent. Do you find yourself completely effected no bombarded with negative memories that won't leave your mind? I have a neighbor across the street that was a friend of Paul's before he died. They had common ground, both disabled by stroke or tramatic brain injury. They both had wives that cared and Loved them deeply, yet the brain injury made them impatient snapping at the frustration of what they had become.

I have helped him up many a time when he had fallen and could not get back up into his wheelchair. His wife would call me to help when she was at work. They have a nurse but I am unsure of her hours. I feel the frustration that his wife feels as he berates her and belittles her as his caretaker.

Another neighbor has cancer for the 3rd time but he is Not going to beat it this time. I try to be there for his wife as she was (somewhat) for me. I say somewhat because she would always make little comments like oh I Love that man of mine I do not know what I would do without him. Perhaps just not thinking about the fact that I just has lost mine. Now I am there for her as her husband is going to hospice quite soon.

Once the sound of an ambulance would leave me insane with grief, crying at the tire store crumpled in a little ball at the sound of it.

My point (finally) how do you keep looking forward in a positive light when there are reminders of the darkest days all around you? I want to be a decent person, I am a decent person but others ill health reminds me of the worst days of my life.

I can not turn my back on those in need but the memories it brings is so searing the regrets return. Things I should have could have done etc. How can I escape my past and look towards the future with death all around me and still be a decent person? To be there for people when no one was there for me?

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Mar 04, 2012
Escaping the dark memories
by: M Mack

It's very possible that those dark memories that were stashed for a time while you were healing are resurfacing for a reason. I too have been through events that were very disturbing before Ray passed. I dreaded the day Id be forced to face the very thing that tore my heart out. Just before Christmas I was forced to confront the fear. I knew my emotions would be crumbling, falling apart and that's exactly what happened but I made it through. It made me stronger and I now know where to file things I hated in my mind.
Maybe it's your turn if ready to take the next baby steps to face what haunts you. We tend to put our pain on the back burner for a better time when we feel more capable to deal with it. If you are not ready, walk away. If you want to confront certain memories in your mind and heart offer yourself to the person that needs you. Remember that person my not be able to see or understand anything at this point but later, it will make sense. You are experienced, strong and have come so far in this new life. All we have gone through in the past and continue to walk through in our future is part of our journey. Only do what feels right for you. After all we are a work in progress and still need help ourselves........Sigh
Hopefully our loved ones who have passed support and protect us poor souls. Praying for us all trying to make it day by day.

Mar 03, 2012
It Takes Time
by: Judith in California

Oh sweetie, you need to take a break from caring for others for a while until you can come to grips with what you're feeling. I was a caregiver for my husband too and I know It will be a long time before I even try that again. I thought of volunteering but I too, am like you when I hear a siren or see an ambulance. And when I see someone using a walker or in a wheelchair. It still gets to me after 18 months of grief.

I was out just today and when I saw a caregiver helping a lady walk with a walker it got to me and I all but stopped driving.

If those folks have other family to care for them then call them and make them be responsible if not ask social services to look into them but please stop for now. You need peace of mind.

God bless you.

Mar 03, 2012
Dark Days
by: TrishJ

Yes....I know. The darkness continues to hit when it's least expected. Today (of all things) I had my three grandsons at the play place at McDonald's. They have the pump hand sanitizers on the wall now. It just reminded me of going in and out of the ICU at the University of Chicago and sent me into a funk for the day. Seriously something as simple as hand sanitizers and my day is shot. I go through the grocery store and see all the things that Joe used to like that I don't buy anymore and that upsets me.
I've had a lot of good days lately but it when I least expect it things just don't "set well" with me. Some times I feel like I'm looking for something to be upset about and really get down on myself. I don't think it's good to try to block out those memories so it's just, as usual, something we have to learn to deal with.
Last week a good friend of ours passed and his wake was at the same funeral home that Joe's was at. That was hard to deal with. It was so upsetting I really don't know if I can ever go in there again but the family was very supportive to us when we needed them. It's the right thing to do. We have to be there for those in our lives that need us. It's good to be needed although it's difficult for us to deal with.
Hang in there Hope. We're all in this together. It has to get better....doesn't it? I think so.

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