How do you feel so many different things at once?
I met the most amazing man this summer. I had just moved to this city for school, and I had no friends. My roommates were nice, but completely different people, and the people I worked with seemed like they had no interest in getting to know me. And then I met him. He had just moved back into town and got his old job back at the place I worked. It's hard to even think about when I first saw him now. I had no idea what I would be feeling soon.
I've never felt the way I do about him before. I've had crushes, other relationships, but never this. Never this burn, this intensity and need to simply think about him. When we talk it's like I'm in some terrible indie movie, where you skip the awkward stage and magically start relating and laughing and sharing with this person. We stayed out until 4 in the morning... just talking. I shouldn't have done it, but I don't regret it. But I knew what I was getting myself into.
He's moving our of the country in November, just 6 weeks from now. I've known this since maybe the first conversation we shared. I knew it when I started falling for him. And I definitely knew it when I asked him to dinner. But it didn't matter. All I could think about, all I wanted, was this chance to be with someone that could make me feel this way. I still think that. I still want to be with him, even if it's just until November.
But every day, every minute, it gets harder.
There is just such turmoil inside of me, I don't know what to focus on first. When I just think of him and anything he's every done or said, I'm happier than I've ever been. It's warm and fuzzy and it just makes me feel weightless, it's so fleeting. But then when I think that ominous day, that moment that I know will be our last, I'm just overwhelmingly sad. It's a brick in the middle of the ocean that's pulling me down too far...
The worst part of it all is just feeling both of these things at once. When I think about why I have to feel this intense conflict of emotions when I just want to enjoy this moment... I'm so mad. I have this boiling rage inside of me at just the unforgivable timing of it all. And why? Because it's "not fair?" I hate that phrase. It's pathetic. Nothing is fair. Fairness is a beautiful, beautiful truth that is so rare to see. So many things aren't "fair."
But some things are just really, really unfair.
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