How do you go on when your hearts became one... now mine is half?
My husband , love of my life was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer with stage IV metastatic bone cancer through a workmans comp injury in Dec, 2009... Never would have known he was sick till the injury. He spun circles around me.
He died August 2010...
We were together for 21 years. He was a strong tall and so handsome , had the deepest dimples that just pierced my heart with a smile! He died at the age of just 49..
This man indured more pain & was so strong... before they found out he had Cancer he started getting epidural steroid injections for low back injury & inflammation.
Little to be known there was a tumor on his T-10 that ended up giving him a 90% Thoracic compression... the steroids made that area weak & it collapsed. I have been in the medical field for 30 years so I am not nieve to alot of things..
He had to have an anterior & posterior spinal fusion"2 seperate operations, 3 days apart, with all the bars & 12 screws in his back. In the hospital for 1 month, then go to rehab for a month before he even started his chemo... At that time he did not know he had stage IV cancer.. "I Knew"
I sometimes feel guilty for not telling him.. I was trying to protect him... was I wrong? I did not tell him because I wanted him to fight & come home... He was so strong, He would tell me it is what it is & you can't change it! He never complained about his pain although I know even though he was at the top of pain killers they did not numb it.. So many times I wanted to hug him, well I really couldn't because of his back, and just bawl my eyes out infront of him!! I never did... I felt at the time I had to be strong for him.. He knew I cried he told me so.. But why do I feel so guilty for not showing him my immense sadness?
It will be two years since he is gone this August... Seems like yesterday... I feel so lost & lonely with out him, he always took such good care of me.. My heart is broken! We shared so much together. He was home on Hospice, I feel blessed that I could take care of him, and that we actually got to talk about our lives together & to know just how lucky to have had such love in your life is beautiful & unique!
I had not even an inkling of how difficult this process was going to be! Befor, during or after.. That it would permanently be immbedded so deeply in my body heart & soul!
I cannot seem to get the visons out of my heart & mind of him laying there dying & watching him take his last breath!!! On the other side of it I am so grateful that I could talk to him, caress him & tell him I love him & that everything will be ok, you just rest... I am here! Even though he at one point was in a morphine induced coma, I believe he could still hear me & I am so grateful he could be at home where he belonged... I am so lost & heartbroken over the loss of my love... I am overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities that I now have all on my own, the house, the bills, maintaining everything, working and during this whole process I worked while his sister stayed with him till, I got done until he went on hospice...
He told me he wanted me to go to work, he did not want me to lose my job.. And I guess he also wanted me to have semi normalcy part of the day... Had I of known he was going to die so soon I would have cut my hours to part time, but we needed the money... he was 75% of our income he had a good job & was such a smart man! Amazing how you become so dependent on someone... Although I have finally excepted the fact that he is gone, I still sometimes look in the doorway and try to imagine him standing there smiling at me <3... I am now 50 and I know he would want be to go on with my life, he told me this! But How can you even begin to try & let or be with someone when you feel like you are only half of the person you used to be?? And still love your soulmate so much? He will always hold the key to my heart.... Until we meet again!
this is only about a 16th of what transpired between us in the 8months of his diagnosis till his death... I still cry because my heart aches for how he must have felt physically mentally & emotionally knowing that he was dying & all his & our dreams of growing old together were hit by a freght train!! And because i miss him so much!!
How do you mend a broken heart?