How do you live without your mother?

by Sheila Donovan
(Moncton, New Brusnwick, Canda)

My mother passed away less than 4 weeks ago on December 13th, 2011. I was just starting to come to terms with the fact that - unless a miracle happened - this would be her last Christmas, I never thought for one minute that she would not even make it until the 25th. She went in to the hospital the week after Mother's Day in May. After some testing it was discovered that she had a tumor in her bowel. She had it removed and was recovering nicely...but then complications arose. She ended up staying in the hospital for 3 months until she was strong enough to go to a Special Care Home. Over the course of the summer many changes took place. Of course our mother was sick (at times very, very sick), it was decided that our fiercely independant mother could not return to the home (my childhood home) where she had lived for 43 years, her house was packed up and divided amongst us (my brother now lives in the house)and all the while I never allowed myself to come to terms with all of these changes. There were jobs that needed to be done and I knew if I let my emotions play a part I would not be able to cope. Mum seemed to settle in to her new home ok, mentally she was as right as rain but physically her body was giving up. On November 1st she ended up back in the hospital again as she was in a lot of pain. Over the next few weeks she deteriorated more and more and no one seemed to know why...mind you...no one would test her to see what was going on, not until she had a ct scan on Saturday December 10th which showed a perforated bowel. I was sitting in her room (she had only waken up to ask for water and she only spoke to me twice)when the doctor came in to tell me that the news was not good. Our 2 options were an operation which he doubted she would survive as she was so weak to start with or we could keep her comfortable....for a matter of a couple of days. I could actually feel shock settle over me like a blanket. I wanted to fall apart but I knew I couldn't. I knew I had to remember every single thing that was being said to me as I would have to tell my 4 siblings... Over the next couple of days people streamed in to say their good byes and my dear mother passed away at 9:45 Tuesday morning. Over the next few days I held it together to get through the visitation and the funeral, I had written her eulogy and wanted to deliver it dry eyed..which I did. Then I held it together to get through Christmas. I have 2 children who deserved a good Christmas and although I wanted nothing more than to hide away and wallow in my grief I had to keep going. I am now coming to terms to living the rest of my life without my mother and I simply do not know how to do it. How do you live without your mother? The pain I feel is so physical. The grief is so overwhelming. I am going on about my day but there is never a minute that goes by where she is not in my thoughts. Where I would like nothing more than to just pick up the phone to say hello.I started a "Dear Mummy" journal a couple of days after her funeral and I write in it nearly every night before bed. I just write what I would say to her if I could talk to her, I share memories with her, what I did that day, how much I miss her, etc. I have written over 60 pages so far. It is very therapeutic for me. I have found this website so helpful and I visit it often and have recommended it to several people. I am allowing my grief to do what it needs to do but I am looking forward to the tears slowing down a bit. My face looks like it has aged 10 years in the past few weeks.

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Nov 21, 2014
new
by: Anonymous

I tried to something new and travel to a new place in the last 2 months and just seeing how it would feel and if i could handle it. Of course i never did anything in the first year. Its ok but the pain is still strong but this gives me a fresh look and meet a couple of new people. I will be going back to my base very soon so this is not going to be settling in a new place or anything.

The first 2-3 years are going to be a killer for me and i know that, given my bond. Its more because I was used to getting a perspective on everything from parents and now I get nervous.

I also decided to work part-time only and that allowed me the time and breathing space.

Oct 31, 2014
journal
by: Anonymous

In fact I was reading your original post and I think writing daily or weekly in a journal can be very good. I have not started that because I just do it verbally but perhaps jotting my thoughts down on paper will help me as a way to remember my questions.

Oct 31, 2014
Grief
by: Anonymous

I totally agree that time does not heal. As time goes by we learn how to deal with the grief. It is always there. There is always pain. Grief counceling does help and reading grief materials is also helpful. Finding someone you can talk with that is going through it too is also very helpful. It does feel like as we move along each day without our loved ones and as time passes by there can be pain as we realize we can't share our moments with our Mothers. I do pray alot for the Lord to lead me and to help with the pain of loss. It's only been 1 1/2 years since my Mom passed and I miss her so much. That will never change. Now I have a sibling that is also going to pass soon and the pain is so raw.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 31, 2014
update
by: Anonymous

Thanks for posting Sheila. Well I will be brief for now but for one, the pain and grief is never going to go away in a sense. What has helped me over the last year or less has been my working with an online counselor just a bit and reading a lot on how to survive. The basic grief will never go away its sitting inside. The intense pain comes and goes but I don't have the answers here. Unlike what people think, time is NOT a healer on its own as I realize and you too after 3 years. I don't expect it to go at any time. Especially since as you said it seems to have happened just yesterday so really the griefwork I do helps me get through a week at a time.


Not easy. I'll have another update if possible at the end of the year.

PS

Not sure if medication is the answer here..

Oct 29, 2014
My own update
by: Sheila

As I am approaching the third anniversary of losing my dear Mum I am amazed at two things.
#1 how 3 years have passed so quickly. When my Mum passed away a friend of mine, who had lost her Mother 10 yrs before, reached out to me. I remember thinking that I could not imagine being without my Mother for 10 whole years. It was beyond my comprehension. But here I am...nearly 3 years later. Because I lost my Mother on Dec. 13th Christmas is bittersweet for me. I have always loved that time of year, the red and green, the carols, the cartoons, the decorations, the parties..everything!! But now..there is a sadness that blankets the season. I try to keep it at bay as I have 2 teenagers who need me..and I want to be there for them. I suppose that is a blessing.
#2 I am surprised at how much it still hurts sometimes. Like it was yesterday. Sometimes I forget she's gone and I want to call her. In June, in my city, there was a tragedy where 5 RCMP officers were shot..3 fatally, 2 were wounded. Parts of the city was locked down. We were in a local high school when it happened and we were locked in as the gunman was at large. When we finally got home that night I wanted to call my Mum and tell her about it...but I couldn't. A couple of weeks later our son graduated from this same high school and I know how proud of him my Mother would have been.
I finally went to my doctor and talked to her about the belief that I was probably suffering with a mild form of depression and after some discussion I decided to try to correct it with medication. After several weeks I am starting to feel better than I have in a very long time. I am nowhere back to my old self but I can certainly feel a difference. This is why I say to find help. Do not think it is a sign of weakness. We owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be.
I would love to hear updates from you all if you care to share.
xo

Oct 29, 2014
For Tegeste
by: Sheila

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't help but feel that of all the people we have in our lives (the ones who are our day to day people or the ones who are just passing by) it is our Mothers who have our backs...100% unconditional love...that we get from no one else. And when that is gone the hole it leaves in immense. When we lose our Mothers we join a very specific group of people that only people who have suffered this loss belongs to.....and no one asks to join. Please take a moment and look around and read the posts from other people and know that you are not alone.
I, myself, am nearing the third anniversary (December 13th, 2011) of my Mother's death and although I am better than I was 3 years ago I am nowhere near where I was before. In fact, life has taken on a "before and after" sort of thing. Where everything falls into one of two categories...it either happened before or after my Mother passed away. There are still many, many days where I forget she's gone...for only one glorious moment...when I think to myself "Oh! I should call Mum and tell her about this..."...and then I remember...and it hits me like a tonne of bricks once again. Having said that, I have to say that the shock of realization that she is gone does not last as long as it did in the beginning.

Be patient with yourself. If you need help...ask for it..wherever you can find it. Take care.

Oct 23, 2014
its the hardest
by: derek

Its hard as I slowly grind my way through week to week literally. Its the same, the best friend, someone who can give unconditional advice, all the secrets you can always share with-I mean its going to be learning how to actually live with this.

It is harder for those of us who are on their own and for whom the next generation is not already there. For this group, there is a lot to build and a lot to re-build. A lot of work to be done to continue the parent's legacy.

The difficult part is getting that perspective and that feeling of security which is far greater than any job or similar thing can give. But we must believe that it will come to us somehow through our parents.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 23, 2014
Trying to live without mom
by: Bobbi

Hi Tegeste,

I'm sorry for your loss. I too, lost my mother to brain cancer in March 2014 . It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt and still feel every day. There was nothing the doctors could do either and she suffered to the end and the visuals in my mind make me crazy. She tried radiation and the chemo pill and the radiation made her weak, then she developed pneumonia and it went downhill from there. I tried everything I could to help her. Her docs waited 4 years to give her an MRI. They said she had vertigo and to live with it.

She suffered a great deal at home and at the hospital. She was my best friend and confidante and I am so lonely and sad without her. She was an angel. I cry every day and get sick thinking about all that she went through and how I'm never going to speak with her again nor see her. I'm still so devastated and don't know what to do with all my grief. I still can't believe she's gone. I'm living in my parents' house because my dad doesn't want to be alone but it's so painful for me to be here. I wish I could make her and all our mothers come back.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 22, 2014
Loss
by: Pam

The loss of my Mother has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. She went to heaven on May 6, 2013. We also tried to get her the best medical care but no miracle for her. The lord needed her more. I still talk to her daily and I hope she knows she is so missed. I've come to understand that when God decides it's our time so medical procedure or anything can make us stay. We have to let go and move to our eternal life. Our Mom's will be there with opoen arms waiting for us whn it's our time. I look forward to seeing her again and I know I will. Until then I will cry some days, smile some days and continue to speak outloud to her. I love you my precious Mother.
Thanks Sheila, this site has been a blessing.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 22, 2014
Trying To live Without Mom
by: Tegeste Emiru

I lost my mother December 30th 2012 of brain cancer. I tried my best to get her the best medical treatment I can provide and they could not do anything for her. The doctors told me, it is too late and too big to take it out but we tried radiation anyway and it did not work. Mom went into a coma. All I can do is tell her all the courage things she did in life and how powerful it was. I told her I am proud of you Mom and I Love you for all the things you did for me. She was able to hear me and squeeze my hand, Oh God I felt so helpless I couldn't help her. Finally I had to let her go, It was the most difficult times in my life.

I love Mom so much and trying to living without her is difficult journey. She was my best friend,who I tell all my secrets and received advice from. I feel alone without her and everyday is struggle not having her in this wold.
Thanks writing this helps.
I miss you Mom every second I remember you. I Love you Mom.

Sep 21, 2014
for sheila
by: derek

Yes Sheila the raw pain has eased a bit but I do plan to get going with some online counseling if I can at some point. Its like you started it after a while. I just want to at least and try to keep my grief level at a point where it does not get complicated if i can help it, although with sudden events it can become that.

I am doing things but also worried about a lot of things.

Sep 16, 2014
for sheila
by: derek

Thanks Sheila, good that you are reading here.

Sep 15, 2014
Anonymous
by: Sheila

First off I am very sorry to hear of your loss. In the grand scheme of the length of your life 9 months is just a drop in the bucket. You have spent xx amount of years with your Mum and only lost her 9 months ago...these are very early days.

I hope you take the time to read the posts from the other people here and know that we are all in the same boat and we are all here to help each other as well as to get help when we are needing it.

Although I have not lived in my mother's house since 1986 I still consider her house as my original "home" and cleaning it out, going through her stuff, was quite an ordeal. As I have said in other posts...I am the youngest of 5 kids...so I did not have to make any decisions alone. After we divided up some of our mother's belongings we were left with lots and LOTS of stuff that we did not know what to do with so we donated them to a local charity. We felt that our mother would approve of knowing that some of her things would go on and possibly make someone else's life a bit easier. Whether it be clothes, books, furniture or pickle dishes...there are always people who can use a helping hand.

Maybe now is the time to do a little something for yourself? Find a support group? reconnect with new friends? Find a church if that's your thing. Reach out (you did it here, that's a step in the right direction).

Take care of yourself!

Sep 15, 2014
For Derek
by: Sheila

Will you ever feel your zest again? Yes. But you may need some help. I am not the same person I was before I lost my mother on December 13th 2011. Having said that, I am also not the same person I was just after she passed away, back when the pain and loss was so raw. The thing about recovering from this sort of loss is that the progress is painfully slow so you may not even notice it...but when you look back to the beginning you realize you have actually made some progress. Last summer I made the decision to go to counselling and it was very helpful. I lucked into a great therapist who really got it. Just talking to her openly and listening to her honest opinion made a difference. I was recently diagnosed with having panic attacks as well as a mild form of depression...which I know was caused in part by losing my Mum. I have started on a very low dose of an anti depressant and although I have not felt any changes yet (it can take several weeks to see results) I am at lest glad that I had that conversation with my doctor. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all need help sometimes and there is NO shame in seeking that help.

It may seem like some people may be able to "move on quickly" but keep in mind that everyone is different and we all heal at different speeds. Plus we all have different levels of coping Some people may seem to "get over it" faster than others but are they really? Or are they repressing? Or denying? Or medicating? Who knows. The only person you can compare yourself to is yourself. I am the youngest of 5,my oldest sibling had yet to cry over losing our mother. Does this mean she doesn't care? Does it mean that she did not love our mother as much as I did/do as I still cry frequently? Does this mean that she has gotten over it and gone on with her life so quickly? No, I don't think so. We all have our own ways of coping and no one way is the "right" way.

Yes Bud, you "can stay here". One little baby step at a time, you will make it. You will always miss your Mum and I will always miss mine, but one day at a time we will both get through it. The fact that you come on this site and look for help or encouragement is a very good thing. And you, in turn, help others....in ways your will never know!

Sep 08, 2014
Your Time
by: Pam

It's been a little over 15 months since my beautiful precious Mother passed. I can relate to all of the comments. It took me over a year to begin to get rid of her things donating them to others that could use them and giving some to other loved ones. I still have some items to go through but I am doing in stages. It is very difficult to get rid of her things but holding onto them is also very hard. I also have her voice on my answering machine. I have never listened to it. I just can't yet. I have her on video and have watched some of that. I am better and moving forward. But we all go through this journey in our own way, none better than another just different. I talk out loud to my Mom all the time. It helps. Time does help us, hang on.

Sep 07, 2014
tough
by: derek

Its been a bit over a year and its very tough even now but my grief reading and the fact that I am working on building a different kind of bond gives me hope that I can stay here. I don't know the path ahead but am trying to take a break.

Sep 06, 2014
I don't
by: Anonymous

My mother died more than 9 months ago but I can still hear her voice (literally if I play the answering machine, and it doesn't seem strange to hear it). When I discover a new plant or animal, I still have the urge to tell mom but I can't. When the neighbor threatened me the other day, I wanted to send mom after her but I couldn't. I tried on some of her shirts today to see if I wanted to donate them or keep them. I feel guilty for throwing away her stuff. I've had dozens upon dozens of dreams of her returning (saying the death was a trick or whatever) and being mad that I threw out or donated things like her underwear and shoes and all her nutritional supplements. My parents were married for 50 years but it was mostly a marriage from *ell. My father is mentally ill and spends all day in a recliner literally. I can't talk to him. I never left home so it's not strange being here (aside from being able to go and do things with her stuff) so I continue to do all the house and yard chores by myself as I've been doing for years but now, who am I doing it for? I have no friends and have never been asked on a date in my life. I'm just waiting for mom to come home.

Jul 22, 2014
a year on
by: derek

It's tough as the nostalgia of events and even phone conversations still gets to me every day almost. I feel I am going back and forth. Some people can move forward quickly but i know it is going to take a while for me, if ever.

Jul 09, 2014
Finding our way
by: Pam

I think everyone finds their way in a different way no one way better than others it's just moving forward. I do know that if you allow yourself you will find happiness and zest in life. It's all in our hands how we wish to move forward. I put my trust in God and he has promised I will see my my Mother again in Heaven. I look forward to that when my time comes. I trust and believe what the bible teaches and that is what heals the pain. Time will help heal the pain if you allow. It will not stop your memories or the love you carry in your heart and who would want that to be gone. We all just do the best we can on any given day. I want to smile when I think of my Mother not cry so thats my personal goal. Prayers for all.

Jul 08, 2014
missing the zest
by: derek

Great comments Sheila. The diary is a superb way of 'continuing the bond' and I am just about ready to start this. Also I agree that time does not heal, it only helps to absorb the shock. You are the second person in the last week that has commented on how they are after 2-3 years (the other person is on another forum) and it really helps seeing how people are dealing with it.

Indeed i don't want to be the same person but the question is really will i ever feel like doing anything with zest again ? I don't feel as motivated to do things; I do them but for example am not even close to enjoying events or so, I just think of them as something which can distract me for a bit. Ok a bit more than that but not even close to the way I used to be. Looking for answers.

Best to you Sheila and the others who have written recently.

Jul 08, 2014
Thank you, Pam
by: Bobbi

Thank you, Pam for your kind words.

Jul 08, 2014
For CK
by: Sheila

Dearest CK, I am so sorry for your loss. Reading about your mother I found her to be an inspiration for us all. I am a mother of two teens myself and I hope that one day they will look back on what sort of person/mother I was and be able to say even half the things you say about your Mum. Your comment about not being a help to the original person here (that’s me!) was very untrue. You really, really did help…not just me but all that are on this thread. The lovely tribute you made to your mother allowed the rest of us to reflect on our own mother’s and to remember that they were so much more than the illness that may have taken them. Your words…although filled with pain…told a story about a woman that most women strive to be. The fact that you spoke so eloquently shows that she did a fantastic job on raising her children. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain in some way but I know that only time will do that. My mother passed away 2 ½ years ago and there are times when I am doing ok, getting on with it…when I am hit upside the head with a grief and disbelief and I can barely breath. This eventually eases and I get back to it. The one thing I have done…is that I have allowed myself to feel what I feel. I do not try to repress it, I do not apologize for it. It is my opinion that denying my feelings just hinders the healing. Even now, 2 ½ years later I more often than not tear up when I talk about her. I warn people ahead of time, I tell them not to worry, that my tears will pass and that it is ok. Please feel free to read anything and everything that is posted here. I have found it helpful. People helping people. Losing your Mum throws you into an elite group of people that no one asks to become members of. Just know that you are not alone. Sometimes that in itself is worth it’s weight in gold. Take care of yourself. x

Jul 08, 2014
For Susan
by: Sheila

First off Susan, let me start by saying how sorry I am for your loss. Losing your Mum has got to be one of the biggest losses in a person’s life. Everyone on this thread feels your pain as we are all in our different stages of grief over losing our mothers. It is a loss like no other, there are no rules, and there are no "rights" and no "wrongs". My own mother first got sick 3 years ago right now. I think it is safe to say that 2011 was by far the worst year of my life. First my mother got sick, then when she started to improve my husband's father suddenly passed away in August in Scotland (we are in Canada) and then my mother got sick again in the fall, passing away December 13th 2011. Even though it was 2 ½ years since I lost my Mum the pain is still very real and when I hear someone’s story of how new it is for them I can feel it all over again. We all can. For you it is still so raw. Something that helped me when my Mum first passed away was that I started a diary to her. I just used a lined-paged book that I wrote in whenever I wanted to talk to you. Isn’t that one of the things we all miss the most? Being able to pop over or to pick up the phone and just have a chat?? This was my way of continuing it. In the beginning I mostly wrote about how I missed her, how I was so sorry that she had to leave us, how I did not know how I was going to live without her, etc. I poured my heart out to her….minus the fear that what I said might make her feel bad or sad. I had to keep a book of tissues next to the bed as I sobbed and sobbed while I wrote. I did not worry about grammar or spelling or neatness. The pen in my hand was the tool for what my heart needed to say. After a while I was able to write without quite as many tears, I started to tell her what was going on with my kids, etc. It did help. Maybe it will help you? There is one lie that I learned after my mother died…time does NOT heal ALL wounds. You do NOT go back to the life you had before you lost your Mum. What happens is that the intense pain will start to ease…and that does not indicate at all that you are “getting over it”. It simply means that day by day you get a bit stronger. There is a quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that I quite agree with. “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Take it one day at a time. x

Jul 08, 2014
Time Does Help
by: Pam

Bobbi, I really feel your pain in your words. I lost my Mom last year and as you I cried everyday multiple times a day. I cried on the way to work, at work, on the way home, several times in the evenings. This went on for a year. Then it stopped. Now it creeps up here and there but I think of my Mom every day all day long. The old saying time heals is true. When the tears finally subside you will begin to smile at some of your memories. The tears will still come. Your Mom would not want you to be in such pain she would want to see you happy. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Post as you need to. If you read below we've all posted alot and it did help so much as everyone has been there and really do feel your pain.

Jul 07, 2014
My Beautiful Mother
by: Bobbi

It has been only 3 months since my mom passed and it seems to be getting worse for me each day. I cry everyday and am still in shock. I just can't believe she is not here with me. We were inseparable. She was my inspiration, my reason to pursue dreams, my sidekick. She wanted to come home so bad and it destroys me thinking about it. I loved her so much and she was my best friend.

I am now living with my dad in the same house as my mom's and it's torture to have reminders everywhere. I can't leave my dad alone because he is grief stricken as our whole family is. They were married 56 years. I never feel like socializing and if I didn't have to, I wouldn't even get out of bed. I push myself to go to work but I cry all the way to work and back. I'm seeing a grief counselor but it's not helping much. I don't know how to go on without her. I keep picturing the agony and suffering she went through which was merciless. I want her back so bad but I know I can't. My mom was the most compassionate, generous, warm, friendly, funny, caring person I ever knew. I hope someday I see her again.

Jul 03, 2014
tough
by: dan

It is tough as I start the second year of my 'new' life without my anchor. Going through the motions right now and a bit more but its hard to keep focus.

May 27, 2014
Unconditional
by: Pam

CK that was beautifully written and very touching. Your Mom was an amazing women. So sorry for your loss. As I think we all have grown to understand a mother's love is unconditional. Even when they didn't always agree with us they loved us no matter what. You had a great challenge and you were given a wonderful blessing, your Mom. I am sure that life will never be the same without our Mothers but I do know there will be joy and laughter in our lives. Our Mothers would demand it. That would also be the best way to honor them. I can hear my Mother now tell me to quit worrying about everyting and give it all to the Lord to carry. She if course is right. I love you my beautiful Mother.

May 25, 2014
Missing you mom
by: CK

My mom was my ROCK. The glue of the family. A BEAUTIFUL woman whos strength was equally as amazing as the type of mother she was. She raised 4 daughters and taught all of us that family comes first. She was always honest, loyal, fun, happy, wise, approachable, and truly loved us unconditionally. Whatever I did that was goofy made her laugh, and whenever I walked into the room, everything stopped and she smiled a smile that lit the room. She was so proud of me and loved me so much. We could just sit and talk (alwasys holding hands)and it would be memorable. I felt the EXACT same way about her. In a way, she felt like a soulmate. Not in a partner sense, but the connection between mother and daughter could not be stronger. I remember the day I told her I was gay. I cried like a baby, (at 20 years old) and she said she loved me and saw me no differently. She knew through the crying how upset I was and asked if she could come to my college that weekend and be there for me. This was 30 years ago at a time when gay people were considered societies misfits. My mom never saw it like that and supported me every day of my life. She was my #1 fan, my confidant, my best friend, my party partner, my educator, my mentor, and truly, my HERO. When I try to think about something I would change about her, I can think of NOTHING. She truly was perfect. Every childs dream. The thing is, with a relationship so strong, the wonders and majic in the journey is equally matched by the pain and suffering through the loss. I would not change one second of the gift I had for 9 weeks short of my 50th birthday, and I will say the pain is terrific at times. I feel as though a bomb has exploded inside my body some days. I miss her holding my hand, I miss her hugs, her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes when she smiled, and her voice saying good night, pleasant dreams, I love you honey.
Sometimes I wonder if life will EVER feel as happy as it did those days and nights that were filled with the love and laughter that my mom and I shared.
I apologize that I am not any help to the original person who sought comfort and guidance through their loss, but at the same time, I thank you for allowing me to open up and share my thoughts and emotions with all of you.
Good night pleasant dreams, I love you mom.
Good night, pleasant dreams, I love you too honey.
XOXO

May 19, 2014
So sorry
by: Pam

Hi Susan: So sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom last year and there was illness at the end. I actually just had a long cry last night as I too am trying to find out how to live without her. She was such a huge part of my life. It's hard to understand how to keep going some days. You'll get through it. This site helped me alot and I made a good friend through it. I find that being alone is the most difficult but you will needs those times to reflect and cry. I'll pray for you. Again so sorry and also so aorry you had to go through the illness at the end that is also very hard. Remember don't let that define your Mom, that was a small part of her life. Think on all the good times.

May 19, 2014
hang on
by: Anonymous

Hang on Susan. Its very tough for all of us. I am coming up to the first year now and its all about survival.

May 17, 2014
Really Sad Now
by: Susan

I know it's been a long time since this post started but I just now found it.
I lost my mom on April 2nd 2014. Losing mom was my worst nightmare come true. Without her I am now alone here. I dream about her most nights and that is both a blessing and a curse. Watching my mom struggle on a ventilator for 2 months was the worst experience of my life. There is such a level of indignity when dying that way. Enough said there.
I really just miss her so much and am struggling to find a way to ground myself in a life without her love.

Mar 10, 2014
true
by: derek

Yes it is true and the surviving spouse feels the loneliness after having been together for so long and often the physical toll if he or she has been the primary caregiver.

Mar 10, 2014
Loss
by: Pam

Susie so sorry for your loss. It is so hard on the surviving spouse especially if their health is not good. Just surround him with love and lots of company, keep him busy. He needs to find a reason to go on. Take time for yourself as that is so important. No one can take the place of our Mothers and living without them is so difficult. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband and children that will give you comfort. Just know you are not alone in your grief there are many of us out here facing the same thing.

Mar 08, 2014
indeed
by: derek

Yes it does happen that the surviving spouse, especially if they have been together for 50 years or so can real feel it. It's tough to grieve because the focus is really on the other parent. I feel your pain and have been through that.

Mar 07, 2014
My mum
by: Susie

3 months 8 days , having a moment husband and sweet Children in goodnight godbless land , no one teaches or prepares you in life for such a treamemdous blow to your heart and mind , I grew up truly believing mum was immortal and when mum and dad try to talk to you about thier path to The Lord well I always said please don't talk like that , dad also is on another level he is coming to the end of his journey of life , there is no medical term for dying of a broken heart but it is real when love is so stong and 55 years of marriage it takes away all other perspective , wouldn't have thought that we wasn't enough but I can feel his pain and can't grieve properly for my mum because I have to be soo strong for my family and my brother who has lost so much in his life . I pray every day things will get better my dad is in awful pain and I wish I could make make him happy but like us children of the most beautiful mums in the world we don't want to ever let go . Be strong be proud and be aware mum is always around xxx angels to be forever proud xxx love you mummy xxxx

Jan 16, 2014
Sadness
by: Pam

Some days I think I am doing really good and then I take a slide down hill. The loss of my Mother has also brought up the loss of my father and sister. So it's like I've almost restarted greiving form them. Has anyone else experienced this?

Jan 06, 2014
8 months
by: Pam

Today is 8 months since I last saw my lovely Mother. In fact it was also on a Monday morning around 11:00am. That was the worst day of my life. My support system has been shaky at best so thanks for this site, I can vent things I can't tell my family. I also made a good friend from this site and I am thankful for that. I just reread most of the posts again and had tears when I was done. I understand the pain so well. I am doing ok taking one day at a time. I am so grateful that I had this wonderful mother. Her spirit will be with me until we meet again. But wow I miss her so much. I hope everyone is doing ok. I know your angels (Mothers) as watching over each of you too.

Jan 03, 2014
thanks sheila
by: derek

Thanks Sheila for allowing us to share our grief and helping us survive. Having kids is a plus but yes it forces you to decorate etc., which really i would never do otherwise and hence it has been easy for me to boycott the holiday season.

The new normal I don't know what it is really at this point. All I can say is that as you said, you have seen sudden events and for me, just getting past the shock is a journey. Am better now of course but I had to a lot of reading and talking to people on how to deal with 'sudden'. As you said it is not a proactive step, as is for instance moving away from the parents. Although I can confirm that my grief when I first started out on my own in life and moved out of the parent's house was immense and it took me a year (or two ?) to adjust to that normal.

The 'raw grief' you mentioned: my doctor/Counselor said the first 12 months are going to be tough. Let's see what I can do one day at a time though.

Thanks for setting up this forum.


Jan 03, 2014
Thanks
by: Pam

Thanks Sheila for your comments and for the website. It was a good place for me to vent my grief and speak with others experiencing the same.I believe losing your Mother is one of the biggest losses you'll experience. It does change you, that child part of you is gone forever now. The holidays were tough but I got through them. Still crying regularly in fact yesterday for some reason was particlarly hard. I just take each day as it comes and try to stay busy.I am still focusing on the day she died but trying to bring up old memories to take the place of that. She was so much more than those last days, the memories will live on. I also look to the Lord for comfort and that has helped alot. I also made a new friend and that has really helped.

Jan 03, 2014
Lishad, Pam, Derek, Fran #5
by: Sheila

Pam – I agree with you. We all have to let go of the “what ifs”. They will literally drive us crazy. We could all look back and say “if I had done this differently or that differently”, “if I had just stayed a bit longer “...the “what ifs” would be endless. And the only purpose of the “what ifs” is to make us feel guilty, to stop us from healing, to give us the false idea that we had some control over what had happened...when we didn’t. “What ifs” keep us trapped in the past, not allowing us to move forward. Some people feel guilty about moving on with their lives, as if moving on means leaving our Mothers behind. This is simply not true. As we heal and move on to the next stage we take our Mothers with us. We still live by the lessons she taught us, we hear her voice in our ear when we are about to make a decision.
One thing that those of us who have suffered a big loss do is that we focus on the day that our loved one (of course in this case it is our Mothers) passed away. We can often recall every single last little detail. I am guilty of this myself. For months I would relive every minute of those last three days (as well as much of my Mum’s time in the hospital). It got to the point where I was not sleeping and had to go to my doctor for help. I ended up having to take sleeping pills for a couple of months until my mind would ease. I had to work on forcing myself to stop focusing on the one day that she died and look instead to the rest of the days when she lived. This did not come easy but it was necessary. If you don’t do this then you will be forever stuck on that one day. ....and your mother (and mine) was so much more than that.

Jan 03, 2014
Lishad, Pam, Derek, Fran #4
by: Sheila

Derek- I can only imagine that losing someone so suddenly would be awful. Not only are you dealing with the grief of losing your Mother but the shock of it being so unexpected and all that comes with that situation. A good friend of mine lost his father to a massive heart attack while he was mowing his lawn this past fall. Another friend of mine lost her mother to a stroke last week! I simply don’t know how a person makes peace with that on their own. I don’t think I could. You are right, not a lot of people would be able to relate to that particular situation. Do you have access to counselling with someone who specializes in this loss? I know that the difference between losing someone who was sick and losing someone with no warning is that the second one does not suffer. It is not easy to watch someone you love suffer and knowing you can do nothing to ease their pain. We were given 3 days notice that there was nothing that could be done for our mother and so we waited...and waited...and waited....when she finally did pass away the most prominent emotion I felt was relief. For her. She was no longer in pain. Her suffering was over. I knew that ours was just beginning. I remember that a particular friend of mine reached out to me. She had lost her own mother nearly 10 years before and knew what this was like. She knew the road I had ahead of me. For me, I could not imagine living 10 years without my Mum. ...but one step at a time I will get there. And so will you. One step at a time.

Jan 03, 2014
Lishad, Pam, Derek, Fran #2
by: Sheila

Fran – you lost so much more than your mother on that day. As you said, your Dad is grieving so much that he is not there for you (or for himself) so you’ve lost him, you retired from your job so it was “lost” also, you aren’t the same person you were before your mother passed away so you lost yourself as well. Your life must be unrecognizable to you. ...and I would think that would be overwhelming. I, myself, am not the same person I was before my mother passed away and I think it is a mistake to expect ourselves to go back to how we were before suffering one of the biggest losses we will ever experience. That does not mean to say that we will (or should) spend the rest of our lives covered in grief. No, not at all. It means that we have to learn to live with our new “normal” ...and that will take some getting used to. We spend our whole life learning a new “normal” as we say good bye to our old selves. When you start school you say goodbye to your little self who was able to watch Sesame Street every morning (as was the case with me), then you say good bye to the old you when you go on to high school, then on to university/college/working, then when you move away, then when you get married, then when you have children, then when your children move out, etc....and yes, when you lose your mother. We are constantly having to rediscover ourselves and learning to live with our new normal. The hard part is when we were not ready and we did not ask for this new stage. That really sucks. Only you can decide what your new normal will look like. Other people can make suggestions but only you will know what is right for you. I hope you are able to find the right path.

Jan 03, 2014
For Pam, Derek, Lishad, Fran #1
by: Sheila

I can not thank you all enough for posting here, sharing your stories, sharing your grief, helping others. When I made that first entry 2 years ago it was originally just a place for me to vent, to get things sorted in my head..and it has developed into so much more.

We have just passed the 2nd anniversary of losing our Mum (Dec 13th, 2011) and I have to say that although it is not as raw as it was in the beginning there still are moments of disbelief. I actually had a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I did not want to shop, or wrap, or bake, or decorate. If I did not have children I think I would have happily boycotted the Holidays all together this year. It seemed to be even harder this year than it was last year for some reason. BUT I DO have kids so I had to suck it up and get a move on....and it was just fine.

This past fall I have had several friends lose parents. Some were via illness, a few were actually sudden (massive heart attack, stroke, accident), all were very sad. Although I miss my mother more than words can express I would not want to rewind the clock and go back to those early days.

Lishad - I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are able to take a few minutes to read the other posts on this page and know you are not alone. This is a very different type of journey..on the one hand there are others who are right beside you, experiencing the same (or similar) emotions...on the other hand it is a ride where you feel completely alone.Like you are alone on a runaway train and even though there are others shouting advice to you from the sidelines only you can save the train. Be patient with yourself, grieve how you must grieve, and reach out to those who can help you.


Nov 07, 2013
phrases
by: derek

There are many phrases used like Pam said time heals is one of them. I believe that the moving on or moving forward should be the idea but it may take years for that to happen or maybe not. I myself don't know but am reading a lot on the topic. But yes there is no full healing or getting over it. This I know, at least for me.

Nov 07, 2013
Time Helps
by: Pam

The phrase time heals is really not accurate. Time doesn't heal this hurt of losing someone, what it does is helps us to gradually accept it and move on. Everyone goes at a different pace and time. I think we have to let go of the what ifs. What if I had done this or that. It doesn't help and only prolongs the process of moving forward, but we all do it. I certainly have beat myself up for leaving my Mom with a friend on one of her last days. I guess I was in denial and didn't realize that it would be one of the last days she would be able to really communicate. As I write this I feel sick inside for missing that one last day with her. By the time I saw her that evening she was too tired to visit,I helped her to bed and she never got back up.

Nov 05, 2013
Fran
by: derek

Thanks for the update Fran. Do you think being physically close to the person in the same or nearby house makes it more difficult ? They say it does but for me it is the same really even though I lived overseas all the time.

I think work is important not all the time but to give a routine. Perhaps you want to think about that.

To be honest, I myself have no idea how I will be at the stage you are at i.e. a few months less than 2 years as it is only 5.5 months for me. I also had to go through trauma as it was sudden.

Best to you

Nov 04, 2013
As time goes on
by: Fran

The last time I wrote was January 2012, 4 months after my mom passed away. It's been two years since that day in December and over the time I have read everything written. Several months after writing, I quit my job and called it early retirement at 57. I couldn't do it anymore. As time goes on the only thing I am sure of is that people die. I have read books, listened to speakers, and went through psychotherapy. None of it helped much. My dad is still alive but he grieves so much that in many ways I have lost him too. We lose not only the person we love but the person we once were. It hurts me the most when I read stories from some of the young children who lose their moms while they are only 9 or 10. I cry for them. At night I play over the last day in the hospital that she was awake. I am always certain that I could have done more, although her life was taken by cancer. I still feel lost sometimes and there are mornings I wake up and think she is coming over today and it takes a while for it all to hit me. I don't know if time heals. It hasn't so far but I work on it.

Nov 04, 2013
6 Month
by: Pam

Today is 6 months since my Mom passed and about the approx time, 10:40am. I don't know where the last six months have gone. I feel pretty sick all over today. It is so difficult knowing I haven't spoken to her or told her I loved her for so many months. It's hard to believe I won't be able to see her again. Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks. She always loved this holiday. She would cook so many wonderful dishes and enjoyed every minute of it. I don't know how I'll make it through this year. The thought of it makes me physically sick. I know many of you are feeling the same way. Thanks for listening.

Oct 29, 2013
tips
by: derek

Great tips by Pam. In fact, I have kept this year really to grieve and think about the loved one at times. Too busy can come later there is time for that at the same time I do stay involved with stuff. Indeed do not let other plan the holidays and the only thing I question is how much you can talk about it with people who don't understand. But overall good tips. Luckily the holidays are still a long way away.

Oct 29, 2013
Holidays
by: Pam

I received in my mail yesterday from Hopice, with some ways to deal with grief during the upcoming holidays as these are more difficult time. Staying busy is good but don't get too busy, you still need time by yourself to reflect and feel your emotions. Don't isolate yourself. Talk about your loved one as often as you can, the more you talk the better you will feel. Also one last thing they advised do not allow others to plan your holidays as well meaning as they may be make your own plans as you may or may not be up to certain activities. Take time to grieve, know that your loves ones as always a part of us. I hope this helps. I will try to follow the suggestions too.

Oct 26, 2013
sudden
by: derek

The thing is with sudden there is no time to prepare and the shock factor comes in. I am reading about how to deal with grief as a result of sudden circumstances. Yes Pam is right and the way out is to talk with people but only if they understand. I find few people do. But indeed the rest of what she said is true and the first 5-6 months are intense.

Oct 25, 2013
Light
by: Pam

So sorry to hear of your Mothers sudden passing, this must be so hard for you. Mothers are our heart when they leave a they take a piece with them. My Mom has been gone for almost 6 months and it is still very difficult. The time has flown by but the hurt is still so fresh.

I think the best way to cope is just keep talking about it. My prayers are with you all.

Oct 24, 2013
sudden
by: derek

Yes sudden is tough Lishad. Just take it in slowly the first 2 months. We are with you

Oct 24, 2013
life without my light.....
by: lishad kp

unfortunately my mom died accidentally recently........i dont know what to do next without my mom ......i cant even imagine life without my mom.....she is.my teacher, she was.my everything ....but we missed......

Oct 11, 2013
Contact
by: Pam

HI Derek: I am in the US are you in another country? That might make it difficult to talk. But you can email me if you like. choogos11@yahoo.com

Oct 11, 2013
pam
by: derek

Hi Pam is it possible to talk to you for a bit ? My Mom and yours are almost the same age in heaven and time too.


Oct 10, 2013
for Pam
by: derek

Hi Pam again thanks for answering. I feel strange too on my own but your comments are always so interesting and make me think. Grieving is a part of living totally agree but do we have to live and make the most of our time as you say ? I mean, parents are not there to applaud us so live for what then ? Just wondering. Am hanging in there and somewhat ok.

Oct 10, 2013
Parentless
by: Pam

No Derek my Dad passed several years ago and two years ago I lost my youngest sister. So it's been tough. That's why my faith has to susbtain me. I know others have the same losses and just this past weekend my cousin's son passed away suddenly, so young. I understand it's part of life and we will all go down that path one day when it's our time. Greiving is a part of living but we have to keep on living and make the most of the time we are given. Of course it's easier said than done. I hope you are doing ok and thanks for asking.

Oct 09, 2013
for Pam
by: derek

Pam do you have your Dad with you ?

Oct 09, 2013
indeed
by: Anonymous

Indeed Pam's approach may be the way to go with waking up and trying to get through it.

Oct 09, 2013
Mom is living it up
by: Pam

I know the pain of losing your Mother, May 6, 2013, time will help us come to terms with it but the loss and pain in our hearts will always be there. I now try to wake up and say wow I bet Mama is having a blast right now. She has no old body to hold her down. No sickness, no pain, no everyday worries just happiness. I pray for her everyday and ask the Lord to let you know I'll be along soon when it's my time. I remember when my Grandmother passed some years ago and the pain my Mother suffered. But somehow she came through it and she passed that strength on to me. I now have to be strong and live me life to the fullest as she did and as she would have wanted me to. I love you forever and always my beautiful Mother, you were a gift from God and I understand why he needed you back it is so hard to do without you.

Oct 09, 2013
exhaustion
by: derek

Carol, exhaustion is normal and I still gasp for breath every other day but for an hour or so. Like Pam, I am getting through a routine but more so as a zombie and it will remain that way until I know what to do next. Overwhelming is also ok. Just try to take it week to week. Easy to say tough to do and I am not that good either but this is what they say.

Oct 08, 2013
Lani
by: Anonymous

Hi - in case anyone is interested and if you want to try out prayer ...you can follow this link:

http://www.firesprings.com/passionprayerbook.pdf

Thanks!


Oct 08, 2013
struggling for hope
by: carol

i still wake up and go...mom is dead....great (sarcasm). This simple hopeless thought leads to hours of lonely suffering. Next exhaution kicks in and i'm overwhelmed until I pass out. I awake and remain bored and motionless unable to deal with the painful truth. Time has passed caring not how i've wasted it.

Oct 03, 2013
yes pam and driving
by: derek

I'll try Pam. Yes ok one day and tears the next is happening. Yesterday the tears would not stop and really 4-5 months is not that long for such a loss. Yes I won't ever get 'over' it and I read that I don't have to so that is good. I don't want to drive for the next two years if I don't have to there could easily be an accident and knowing myself I will drift while driving.

Oct 02, 2013
sudden
by: derek

Hi all its a sudden thing you know. I am dealing with not just the grief part but the trauma of sudden loss. No major problems you know just when we had talked that she would live on for me and now this. Sudden can take time you know so it has hardly sunk in. I really can't understand this madness and can't work.

Oct 02, 2013
Hang in There
by: Pam

I am almost at the 5 month stage, don't get me wrong this is hard, I cried so hard driving home last night I couldn't see the road. It seems I'll be ok one minute and in tears the next. I see my Mom's beautiful face and hear her words still so clearly. My Mother took ill just a few months before she passed and we thought she was doing better then a bad turn and she was gone. There are no correct answers or ways to grieve but we know life does go on and we must find some happiness in it. It will take time for the sadness to fade but there is light at the end of the tunnel. This I know. Hang in there Derek. You'll get through this, keep posting it helps to know you are not alone. I will pray for all of us. If you need positive messages try Joel Osteen's site. Sign up it's free and also helps.

Oct 02, 2013
Thanks Pam
by: derek

Yes Pam I agree with you that she would want me to live to the fullest but it is so raw right now I mean 4 months I am still gasping for breath sometimes with it. Unconditional love from the Lord maybe you know I asked for something very simple i.e. a few more years and that too did not happen. Plus this was sudden i.e. she had no major illnesses or anything of the sort and we really ie. none of us expected this at all and really thought we had 3 years at least and then i mean anything can happen at that age. I am not sure if I can live life to the fullest. I don't think I can make it to that point.

Good to see you are able to carry on quite well after I think almost the same time i.e 4 months. For me the first 2 months was basically a trauma state and now too it is still shock and disbelief as I cannot imagine not picking up the phone to call if something goes wrong. I am so nervous right now and feel I could collapse.

Oct 01, 2013
Unconditional Love
by: Pam

I know I have unconditional love with my Lord and Savior. He gives me the peace and strength I need to put one foot in front of another each day. Derek I hope you can find that too.
I think knowing you can't pick up the phone and call your Mother, just knowing she's there if you need her is so hard. I don't believe you ever get over it but you find a way to live with it. Our Mothers would want us to be happy, I know that for sure. My Mom would be so upset if she saw me crying every day and not living life to its fullest. I want to honor her and her life by living a happy fulfilling one, I know that's what she would have wanted. I also know your Mothers would want the same for each of you. Our postings really help too.

Sep 30, 2013
yes it is scary
by: derek

I feel vulnerable too Carol and basically the anchor for us is what we miss most and daily. We also do not realize what we have sometimes and I also depended on that truthful opinion a lot. I am trying to keep busy like Pam and focus on the good times but not really sure if I can make it through this time. Unconditional love is what i need can it ever come back ?

Sep 18, 2013
mom my shoulder
by: carol

i know now (1 yr oct 16), that mom was who i called to run everything by. She set me straight any time i needed it. She worried over me and she was always ready witb a truthful opinion. I'm broken without her and on my own now. She anchored me to reality and hope somehow. She was so down to earth and reminded me when it was time for jesus she was ready. Somehow death is the cruelist part of life and we don't have a say. I am left knowing how insignificant I am and that is scary.

Sep 18, 2013
same here
by: derek

Me too I just imagine that she is still around really I guess I am still in shock phase or whatever. I cry every other day as well but then go about my routine or try to do the best. I also remember and replay our conversations and so on. I do ask for forgiveness for anything I did or said which I should not or would not do. Not that I really intended any harm at anytime. It takes a while and lets support each other. You are doing well Pam.

Sep 18, 2013
Ups and Downs
by: Pam

Hi, it's been a little over 4 months for me too. Like Derek having ups and downs which is normal. I am not crying every day now but still about every other day. Mostly I just try to pretend for my sanity that she is still at home cooking up something good.

Today is the anniverary of my Dad's passing so double sadness today.

Just trying to stay busy and focus on the good times.

Sep 17, 2013
is time a healer ?
by: derek

Well 4 months now and I am up and down.

Sep 09, 2013
sudden loss
by: derek

If it is sudden then there is a time period when it does not get accepted. Shock and numbness they say so while I intellectually know it, I can't accept it yet. Reading on ways to deal with sudden loss it is another area.

Aug 29, 2013
for sheila and all
by: derek

Yes Sheila but I tell you I would not have been able to bear to see her suffer even for a month. Yes it is a devastating blow for me in that you can't say it all but that's something I am willing to give up since I did not want any suffering even for a few months. Secondly, she had a decent lifestyle financially all the way and I know this is not the case with everyone so I mean I am looking at these two points which we got. She did not suffer and was able to maintain herself well all the way. I have to suffer since I got these two points but its ok.

No car needed where I am so that is great and also no partner/children to worry about so that helps a lot. I would not have been able to manage if I had to drive to work everyday and also look at family issues.

Thanks for your response as always.

Aug 28, 2013
We all help each other
by: Sheila Donovan

Derek - I have often thought that it must be awful to lose your Mum (or anyone else) suddenly. I just can not imagine how overwhelming that would be. We weren't given a lot of time but at least we had enough time to say anything that needed to be said (even if she was not awake to hear it. I can only imagine that it would be shocking to say the least. This summer I finally made the decision to seek counselling to help me deal with issues that I have been trying to cope with on my own. Issues that arose when my Mum was in the hospital in the summer of 2011, then later when she passed away in December of that same year. I am lucky enough to have found a fabulous woman who has been able to help me....not only with my grief but also with how I am with my husband and children...we all know that grief affects so much more than just our emotions. I am not the same person I was before my Mother got sick...but I am better than I was a year and a half ago.

Lani - thank you for your positive thoughts. Sometimes we need to hear that we can indeed get through this...we just need a bit of a boost.

Pam & Derek - I also find myself crying in my car..I think it is because it is the only time of the day I have peace, without my teenagers or their friends around..especially in the beginning I would always shed a few tears on my way to work or on my way home. I have a friend whose mother is sick right now and it is not looking good. I feel so deeply for her and wish I could do something to help ease her worry but I know I can't. I was talking to her a couple of weeks ago and I could relate to everything she said. The worry, the frustration with not knowing what to do, how everyday is different and just when there is a step forward before you know it you are taking 2 or 3 steps back. I do not envy her this ride.

Aug 28, 2013
for Pam and Sheila and others
by: Anonymous

Hi Pam thanks for coming in. I actually meant I am crying on the street while walking where I am right now there is a lot of mass transit available so no need to drive luckily. I would not cry in the car Pam or anyone else and I don't know if it is possible to avoid driving. North America is tough to avoid driving. But ideas:
1. Reduce driving activity when it is so raw the grief that is.
2. Head straight to an activity that distracts you from going over to Mom's place or calling Mom when you used to in as is my case. Cover it when you can.
3. Since the grief is acute/raw, you don't need to be in acceptance mode. A lot of the time you just have to think the parent is there but not reachable via phone. Email possible so email her please she receives all of them.

More to come later as I try to stay alive..

Aug 28, 2013
Singing
by: Pam

Hi, this is for Derek and any one that wants to chime in. I am like Derek I am crying a lot in the car driving. Usually at the end of my work day I would drive over to my Mom's to take care of her. The hole is there and raw. I think we should all come up with a little song to sing when we get that sad feeling to lift us up.

Any ideas?

Aug 27, 2013
Cheers to you all good people
by: Lani

Hello everyone!

Thanks Sheila for your posts - it has allowed people to come and share experiences and make sense out of the grief that we face and know that we can move forward and in time - we will let go of the pain and cherish the memories of our mothers in our hearts.

Today - I just wanted to give a big shout out to you all ! I believe that you can all make it - no matter how difficult it gets emotionally. I know that great good will come out of experiences such as this. That although we face loss and pain at the beginning, - we can all come out of it stronger, not because we have buried our grief and pain - but because we realize and accept the loss we feel, and that we indeed can move forward. People, the person inside of you will be strengthened !! One of my favorite quotes is--- "though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning !" while you grieve, know this - strength will come, and joy will come - just endure ... I know this may sound silly and we are all different - but I hope and pray that I someone out there will find hope through this post. Be Strong ! posting this song as well - it has spoken to my heart and hope it speaks to yours as well ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFen3K3OBTQ !

Aug 27, 2013
reason
by: derek

Yes Sheila what you said may be true but I will tell you that the pain can be even more when the person is somewhat ok and it is sudden. But one day at a time and one week at a time and so I will try. I've been crying a lot on the street now that can be dangerous as you said with so many cars. I'm trying to stop that.

Good to see you back Pam. Hang in there Sheila.

Aug 27, 2013
For Derek
by: Sheila Donovan

Thank you Derek. I am glad to see people reaching out for help during their difficult time. I don't think anything could prepare a person for losing their mother, do you? The fact that there is a place to go where we know other people are suffering, or have suffered, this loss is comforting. Just to know that what we are feeling is "normal" is a relief.

I think there are a couple of reasons why people do not give themselves permission to grieve…or to acknowledge their grief…First off, it is very unpleasant. The pain of losing your Mother is as physical as it is emotional. I described it as having someone cut off your right arm and then telling you to knit a sweater. In the beginning it seems an impossible task, no matter what you do it will not work. But then you realize that if you just go slow and be patient and know that you will make many mistakes and suffer drawbacks along the way you begin to get a bit better. You start to make progress. You notice that even though you slip backwards for a while it does not mean you have to start over from the beginning, that you just have to face the wonky stitches (triggers) that seem to have come out of nowhere and when they are sorted out you are on your way again.

A second reason why I think people don’t want to allow themselves to grieve is because they either believe or have been told that grieving for a lost loved one is selfish. It’s like people think that if you are missing your Mother that means that you want her back regardless of her pain and suffering…just to ease your own pain of loss. That is simply not true. Not even a little bit. I have had to explain that to people….people who still have BOTH parents. When you grieve your Mother you are missing the person she was BEFORE she got sick (if that was the situation), you are missing the person who fed you, took care of you, kissed your booboos. You are grieving the loss of your childhood, your teen years (E-gads!), you are grieving loosing the one person on the planet who would love you no matter what you would do. Grieving is NOT selfish, it is a necessity. You can not heal if you do not acknowledge.




Aug 26, 2013
Holding on
by: Pam

Jan, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you didn't get to say goodbye. It's been 3 months since I lost my Mom, the hurt, loss is still so raw. As Derek said we are all in this together, taking t one day at a time. My mom left her sickly earthly body but she has a new heavenly one now and I know she is happy and waiting on her family to join her. We all will.

Trust in the lord and he'll lead you, no he'll carry you through this.

Thanks Sheila for your words.


Aug 26, 2013
Sheila^s posts
by: derek

Hi all

I read all the three posts Sheila made today and I can tell you it is showing us how things might be for us down the line. It is going to be a lot of looking back but we need to be careful how much of that to do but over the first year which can be brutal as she said, it is tough to do much of going forward.

I am myself feeling my health really has gone down so Sheila take care and maybe best not to drive too much if you can do that. Driving needs too much concentration. Use mass transit.

Read it again everyone.

Aug 26, 2013
thanks Sheila
by: derek

Sheila thanks a lot for your comments today really touching and useful for us. Basically all I can add is that having read a lot over the last few months, it is really a balance of letting go and holding on. How we do that is different for each person with some commonalities. That is where person has to execute differently.

I thank you for your support and this site of course.

Aug 26, 2013
Thank you Part 4
by: Sheila Donovan

Last November as we were approaching the 1 year anniversary of our mother’s death (December 13th) I was noticing that I was starting to feel the same way as I did in those early days. Rather than feel relieved that the first year was coming to an end (we all know that the first year is brutal!!) which would mean I was one day closer to healing, I was instead finding myself overwhelmed with grief. Then something happened. My daughter and I were in a car accident on November 23rd. We were rear ended while on an exit to a highway. Rather than merge onto the highway the car in front of me stopped which forced me to stop behind him, the driver behind me was looking over her left shoulder preparing to merge (as you would do) so she did not see me in front of her and she hit me travelling aprox 80 km/hr pushing me into the car in front of me!! My daughter was fine…thank goodness. Even though the vehicle behind me was a smallish car she hit me with such force that my van squished like an accordion and it was totalled. My seat was broken, the shoes were literally knocked off my feet. I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance on a back board. I have been going to physio and massage since November, I have had 3 MRI’s, x-rays, due to 24/7 pain I have had to quit a job I loved and am presently waiting for an operation to reattach a severed tendon in my shoulder. There is a message/lesson is everything we experience. The lesson I saw after this accident was to get out there and LIVE!! I felt as though my Mother was telling me that by grieving for her so deeply that I was allowing life to pass me by and that I was missing out on today. I was spending so much time looking in the rear view mirror at what had passed that I was missing what was in front of me. This was a wake up call for me. A big old cuff upside the head!! This is not to say I don’t still miss her, or that I don’t still cry, I do. But I am spending more time looking forward than I was before.

Aug 26, 2013
Thank You Part 3
by: Sheila Donovan

I also think it is a good idea to not grieve alone. Talk to someone. Anyone who gives us what we need at that moment...which is often just an ear to listen. Someone who allows us to cry, to vent,to be angry if need be. We all learn early on who in our lives might not be all that helpful so it is best to not count on them for this particular thing. I know that I NEED to talk about my Mum with people. Even just to refer to her about something. Sometimes I need to cry. I am the youngest of 5 children (I am 46) and this summer was the first time I talked to one of my sister's on the phone since our mother died a year and a half ago. (I have seen her at family functions but have not talked to her on the phone since, we live in different cities) I was afraid that I would get upset while talking to her (I am a crier, she is not) and I did not want to do that with her. An hour into the conversation when we were talking about the say Mum passed away I did start to cry...and do you know what? So did she! And we survived...and we have called each other since! TALK, TALK, TALK!!!

I wish everyone had the ability to be able to take a really quick sneak peek into the future just so that we could all find out for ourselves that things will get better. Will they be the same as they were before we lost our mothers? No, they will be different but the pain will ease. Every time we have a loss or a big life altering change in our lives we are forced to find our new “normal”. A new job, moving house or location, adding children to the family or loosing a parent (or anyone else) forces us to start a new chapter while the previous one ends…even if we were not ready to say good-bye.

Aug 26, 2013
Thank you Part 2
by: Sheila Donovan

Something else that I have noticed that we all have in common is that the grief, especially in the beginning, is very intense,very raw, it is crippling. We wonder how on earth we are supposed to live the rest of our lives without the person who brought us into the world. I felt like this for a long, long time, and to be honest I still do sometimes eventhough I lost my Mum 2 years ago this December. I still have moments when I can not believe she is gone, it's almost like I had forgotten she passed away and then I lose her all over again. I know that I experienced a level of PTSD for quite some time and that although it is better now it is not gone. Where we all differ is how we deal with our grief.

There is no one "right" way to grieve. What works for one person might not work for another. My personal belief is that it is best to allow yourself to feel what you feel (not just regarding grief, but for all your emotions) and to NOT try to dismiss it. Often people deny, avoid, ignore, bury their grief but this does not mean it goes away, it simply means it will come out later. If you stashed all your dirty dishes in your oven so that you did not have to look at them does this mean that the next time you open your oven you will find your dishes all sparkly clean (if only!!)? No! It means that they will still be dirty and it may be even harder to clean them as they were not dealt with in the beginning. This is why I think it is best to allow yourself to feel your grief...as unpleasant as it is going to be

Aug 26, 2013
Thank you Part 1
by: Sheila Donovan

First off I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on my origial post. I hope that in some way you were able to get some help from reading the other stories. I also want to thank people for reaching out to help others who are suffering the pain of loosing their mother. It is so good to know we are not alone....even though I am sure no one would wish this pain on anyone else. I just wanted to say a few things but since it will be longer than the 3000 characters I am permitted at a time I will have to divide it into parts...

Something that I have noticed about all the people who have responded to my original post is that loosing your Mum leaves us all with an enormous sense of loss. Like there is a physical hole left in our lives where our Mum's once were. In that we are all the same. People who have not suffered this particular loss just do not get it, and that's ok. I know that when people say "stupid" things (don't grieve for her as her suffering is over, she would not want you to feel so sad,etc) they are only trying to be helpful, trying to ease our pain a bit. They just don't get it. I have never lost a child (thank God!!) and I can not even begin to imagine what that must be like...so I keep that in mind before I say something "stupid".

Aug 24, 2013
hi jen
by: derek

Jen, hang in there we are in this together. Same story as you and as you said, you are lucky and I feel the same but cry every second day. Write to me if you feel like it.

Aug 24, 2013
3 weeks ago.....
by: Jen

I lost my mom 3 weeks ago to a massive heart attack. I was lucky to have her in my life for 48 years......the tears are welling up in my eyes as I write. She was my anchor, my best friend.....I don't know how I'm going to survive this. I feel I could spend the rest of my life curled up in the corner of a room somewhere crying.....but I won't. I will live my life so that when it ends, I will see her again in heaven. The gift she gave me (life) is precious. She would be disappointed if I spent it all on crying....so I must try to celebrate her memory. Friends and family help.

Aug 09, 2013
tough
by: derek

Yes pam its tough but we are in this mode where the meaning and purpose of life is not clear. Our grief is acute but what i am trying to do is to go about my routine even as i cry every second day or maybe every week at best. May God help us both.

Jul 31, 2013
Staying Strong
by: Pam

I too am finding strength in different places and staying strong, as it's only been since May 2013 and the days can be so hard. As I cry daily I know she is walking with the Lord and not suffering. That gives me some comfort. Mothers are so special and always will hold a large piece of your heart. I know one day we will meet again and I also know her spirit is always with me. I can feel her hands comforting me when I cry.
Thanks for listening. It helps. I wish comfort for each of you.

Jul 30, 2013
sorry for your loss
by: Sara

My mom passed away december 15 , 2011 because of cancer , its been hard since the day she passed away ,but i promised her that i would stay strong .. and sorry for your loss derek :-(

Jun 18, 2013
For Derek
by: Anonymous

Hi Derek:

I'm glad to hear from you and so glad that you have decided to give this some time. Just so you know I am crying everyday for the loss of my Mom it seems so unbearable sometimes but then I realize how my loved ones would feel without me and I would never want to inflict such pain. I am also finding comfort talking with others, we can help each other. Stay in touch and stay strong and thanks to the lovely person that created this site.

The Lord has much for us to do we need to be ready and available. He will heal our hearts with time.

Jun 18, 2013
for Pam
by: derek

Thanks Pam hope we meet someday. Indeed it is very tough for us and the thing is the people you know e.g. friends have often not been in this situation before. Church/God helps but I am still reeling from the shock basically. I walk like a zombie but still do what I did 3 months ago just to make it seem as if nothing has changed. I feel weak in my heart and yet I am trying to go to events just to distract me. Distraction is a good thing, even for a few hours. I have decided that I will try to survive for a while at least and give it a shot. My sister's support is there. So I won't do anything silly soon but the key is after a year or two one can decide. You are great Pam.

Jun 18, 2013
for Lani-thank you
by: derek

Yes Lani I really appreciate your comments. The point you made about the captain makes me think really. I am tossing and turning a lot. Thank you for your support really.

Jun 06, 2013
Hold on Derek
by: Lani

Hi Derek - I'm Lani, I hope and pray for your situation. When an anchor is lost, a ship is left to the elements - tossed and turned. But I also know that, even without an anchor - a ship can still have a captain. I pray that you will have Hope spring in your heart today and raise you up from the despair that you feel.

Jun 06, 2013
We'll meet again
by: Pam

Thanks for your comments, I also want to speak to Derek. I lost my sister three years ago and my precious Mother 1 month ago. I know the heartache seems unbearable at times. Your heart will heal and the tears will become less and less. The pain will fade and the wonderful memories will take over. You will smile again remembering your loved ones. You will cry from time to time.
Please don't despair, reach out to someone, your pastor, a meeting, friends and family. I do believe in God and his grace. He has some important work for our loved ones to do now, we will join them when he needs us. In the meantime, honor your loved ones memories by living the best life you can. Praying for you.

Jun 06, 2013
tough
by: derek

Thanks Sheila I am trying and will continue to do so at least for a while. The rock and anchor of my life is gone so what do I live for now ? That is the big question I ask ie a reason to stay on.

Jun 03, 2013
Just hold on
by: Sheila Donovan

Derek - Just hold on. The first month is very tough. The pain is physical. Each day is a day closer to healing, I promise. You may need to reach out for some help, from friends, from family, from church (if that's your thing). Suffering alone can not be an option. If you just cut your arm off you would need help in order for it to heal. You would not be able to do it alone. Losing someone in your life, especially your mother, is the same thing. I am not saying there won't be tough days, there will be, but I am saying it will ease...a little at a time.

Pam - I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, it is a shock to lose your Mum. I feel that same way, even now a year and a half later. It does ease up but the shock is still there. Grief is one of the most personal emotions there is and yet there are similarities that some of us share, and shock is one of them.

We were told just a few weeks before that our mother was not dying. But then on Dec 10, 2011 they did a ct scan and informed me (I was the only one with her in the hospital at the time) that it wasn't good. There were two options..she could have an operation that she probably would not have made it through considering how sick she was...or we could let her go. We made the heart wretching decision to let her go,we know she did not want to live the way she was. She passed away 3 days later. Although I have gone on with my life, driving my 2 teenagers and their friends all over the city, I still get groceries, I still hang clothes on the line I still miss her, every day. I am not a religious person but it makes me feel better to think that she is with my Dad and that they are having a grand old time.

Jun 02, 2013
tough
by: derek

tough to digest the events of the last month. i'm trying to see if I can live on as it is so tough but my sisters and Mom's goals are still with me. At least I should try to live on for a bit before making major decisions.

May 30, 2013
My Mom Is now An Angel
by: Anonymous

I lost my Mom May 6, 2013. She was 82 years old. I am still in shock some days, I miss her so much. She suffered with COPD and demintia over the past year. It was tough for her. I cared for her constantly until she passed peacefully. I don't know how to go on without her but I will until we meet again. I know she has a set of wings and the Lord is keeping her plenty busy. She was such a precious Mother.

Pam

May 30, 2013
One of the biggest losses of your life.
by: Sheila Donovan

I have read every single post that people have taken the time to write in response to my original story. Something has struck me as I was reading them. Eventhough the details are all different the grief and the feeling of despair runs through each piece.

Some of you were older with families of your own when you lost your mothers, some were children, some were even babies. Some mother's were sick before they passed away, some left us suddenly. But we are all connected by the same sentiment...how do we live the rest of our lives without our mothers?

I wish I had the answer to that question, but I don't. Other than we just live one day at a time,if that seems too big a challenge at this point then live one minute at a time.

Even though my Mum has been gone for a year and a half now there are times when it feels like it was yesterday. Just when I think I've got it together I am crippled with grief once again. There are times when I almost forget that she's gone and I want to call her to tell her something or to ask her something and then I stop...and I lose her all over again. Does this feeling of intense loss every fade? I think it does, but it does not go away completely.

If there is one thing I have learned is that we all grieve differently. There is no one "right" way to grieve and just because people show it in different ways does not mean that they hurt any less or any more than we do.

I have also learned that no matter how much we want to rush through this grief so that we will stop hurting we can't. Grief has it's own life span. If you've had an operation you need to give yourself time to heal. Although there are things you can do to not injure yourself further the healing process takes time and you will get there eventually. And just when you think you are much better the wound opens and you feel like you are starting over at the beginning again. The thing is, even when you get a set back it does not take as long to get back to where you were before you relapsed.

"Wish she was here", I can not imagine what it would have been like to not have known my mother at all. I hope you are able to ask questions about your Mum and have other people help you to know the person she was.

"I need my Mum", I did the same thing. I needed to read all I could on what happens when your body dies, etc. I think that's normal. It is us trying to make sense of things. I also Googled suggestions to help with my grief. Not that it helped in the beginning as it was too raw but it might be helpful now.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. It lets us know that we are not alone - although I would not wish this on anyone.

May 29, 2013
depressed and down
by: Carol

My mom sat down one day in a chair and refused to get up and only I took the chance of her hating me in life to get her help. Before that day we were so close and it breaks my heart that in her final mental deteriorated stages she hated me vehemently until she died of a massive stroke a few months later in a nice facility.

I did what was right but I am so hurt that she no longer could stand me being around before she died. I understand all is well between us now and in the future, but I'm so lost now since we were so much alike in ways.

Rarely do I experience any ability to enjoy my life now. I feel the process of death and deterioration suck!

Apr 28, 2013
Wish she was here
by: Anonymous

Hi ! I've never met my mother, but since having my own children - I cant help but think of how it could have been like if she was still alive. Lately, I've just begun to feel such an enormous sense of loss - over all the years that I have lived without her.

I am 32 now, with two children of my own. She passed away two weeks after I was born. No one has ever talked to me about how she died. The only thing I know was that she was diagnosed with a brain tumor (don't know when). She was pregnant with me (her first baby)and in her final trimester,she was admitted into the hospital, where she slowly drifted into a comma. The doctors delivered me, but she passed away two weeks after I was born. At that time my dad was serving in a peace-keeping mission in the Middle East. I was the only child.

I've never had that blessing of knowing her. While growing up I was blessed to have been looked after by an aunt and uncle, and I was raised with my cousins. I'd visit my dad often but I hardly have any contact with my mom's families. through my childhood, I don't remember feeling an empty space or a longing to meet her. But these feelings surfaced through my teenage years. At 17 I remember almost crying myself to sleep at nights - wishing I had my mother.

I was depressed throughout University, got married after graduating and now have two children that I love soooo much.

Lately - that emptiness has just begun to emerge again - where I feel so robbed of a whole lifetime of experience since birth. To not know what having a mother is like - is alot of pain. But having my own children has helped ease the pain abit. I wish she was alive - to see her grandkids and be there for me to talk to. But I am grateful that there really is a God. Who can heal the place in our hearts that are broken and hurt. And fill the emptiness and hollowness, and bear the burden of pain that can feel sooo real. I pray that you all find peace, and help in time of need, and that you will call on Jesus when you are at your lowest. God bless you all !

Mar 03, 2013
Sacrifice demands the things we cherish above all else.
by: Anonymous

Only out of the agony of those losses can a new resolution be born. An undying devotion to a cause greater then ones self. And a moral duty to see a journey through, to it's absolute completion. ~R. From the moment I was born, I knew I needed you.... You were beautiful and now your body crumbles to ash. You have no grave stone and others have forgotten your kindness, but I have not. I miss you to point my mind is no longer intact. I hurt in everyway; it disgusts me. You've broken me. Please mom... What do I do? Why did you die? Can you hear me? Are you with me now? Please tell me this isn't real? I'll give anything just to have you back... I pray this isn't the end. I pray I'll see you again. I pray. -Gracey N. age:24

Feb 12, 2013
Feel bad for all of you
by: Raifa

I cried throughout all of your stories I am currently not living with my mom and I know how hard it is. Have a great day hope you guys recover :) stay strong

Jan 21, 2013
By mom I will never see u agin
by: Sophie

On July 13th my mom passed away I Was so sad I will never get to see her again. We used to Do everything Together. I loved her she made a Promise to stay alive until I was 10 Years old. But she never did I am only 9 years old right now my b~day is feb 13th 2003

Jan 04, 2013
Lost my beautiful mom
by: Martha Quezada

On Nov 21 we got the news that my mother has been in a horrible car accident my grandmother and uncle both past with my mother in the car.
We flew to Mexico to pick up her body and bring her back to her grand kids.
We burried her and I am at the cementary every single day. I pray the rosary every day.
I usually feel a little better but my thoughts can stop and I miss my beautiful mother face And speaking to her.

Dec 25, 2012
I need my mum
by: Anonymous

I miss my mum so much. I still can't come to terms with speaking of her in past tense. in February 2011 my mum had a chest X-ray because she couldn't shift a bad 'cold' for a few weeks. it showed a shadow on her left lung. she was refered to a respiratory consultant who believed she had a form of lung cancer, she had several biopsies to confirm it but all samples showed dead cells, so she had to undergo open surgery on her Lung. a few months later it was confirmed that my mum had a rare form of cancer that had spread to her lung from cancerous cells in her womb '22 years earlier'! when my mum was 42 she had a hysterectomy for endometriosis and tumours were discovered in her ovaries and cervix. however back then it was not routine to follow up with chemo or radiotherapy. my mum was a smoker and was pretty much symptom free until her diagnosis in feb 2011. metastatic endometrial stromal sarcoma. my mum declined quite quickly over that year and in September we thought it was the end, she was painfully thin, no appetite , in a lot of pain and would sleep most of the time. she had radiotherapy and came round quite a lot, she was able to travel to Ireland in June 2012 to see my new baby boy! but she soon declined again and in November 2012 she showed signs of a severe infection and was admitted to hospital where she passed away November 15th. I don't believe ah had an infection though, I think she was dying. it pained me to read afterward about the signs of final stages of life and my mum ticked every box yet I still found myself in total denial about the while thing! my mum passed away on her own in the hospital as we were told to go home as she needed to rest and didn't get there in time that morning! It's been 5 weeks and I still feel traumatised over seeing my mums body and am in total shock that this terrible thing could and did happen I my own mum. my mum! even the words don't seem right! I am struggling badly to deal with this, the world isn't right anymore! I can't stop reading up on really morbid topics like death, the meaning of life, embalment! the afterlife! I don't know how anyone can carry on their lives so calmly knowing that this happens to people we love so much and will happen to us one day. I feel I will never find enjoyment again and in a way I don't want to. the thought of my future without my mum scares me so much and I get very panicky! my mums such a strong, proud woman and I can't believe this happened to her and if it can happen to her then anything is possible! what th hell do you do without your mum?!

Dec 04, 2012
Mom - best part of life
by: Anonymous

I am a 13 year old boy living in California. MY family in a different house. i dont have any idea how to deal a life without my mom. she was my everything and now i lost her. thats all.

Nov 25, 2012
I want my mom back
by: Samia

I lost my mom on on the 20th of July 2012.I am 32 now, but I find it very difficult to live without her.She wasn't just a mom she was my best friend. She was only 56 and suffered nothing and she was suddenly gone right in front of my eyes.I thought I go to work I go out with my friends ,but I cry every single day when I am not alone. I live with my brother ,he suffers too and we are just pretending that we are fine coz there's nothing that we can do to stop the pain.I really don't know how long will I continue to live like that.I really miss her so much and the hardest moments are when I forget and pick my phone to call her or when I want to share some news whether good or bad and it hits me that she is no longer there.I miss you mom so much and I want you back.

Nov 16, 2012
My mom's dead....
by: Carol A.....

My mom died on October 9, 2012. She died from dementia. She was diagnosed with dementia in 2006 and it took on it's own voice in the past year and a half. Dementia is a long death. My mom went from a very youthful 87 year old woman to a woman with no mind, or voice.

She was 88 years old...she lived a long life. But, she is dead. I have no one to care for anymore, as I was her caretaker. I never had children, and my 3 siblings don't even know what it was like to watch our mother leave her mind over these past years. I watched, I cared and I wanted my mother to be normal again.

I am so glad I had the opportunity to care for my mother. I did everything I could to my best and I know where ever she is, she knows I did my best.

I miss her and wish she was still here with me...alive, well and happy. I will never forget.

Love, Carol

Nov 16, 2012
Peaks and Valleys
by: Nelson

My mother died when I was eleven years old. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

I'm thirty-seven now, and it still hurts. Although not like it did all of those nights I spent as a teenager waiting, hoping for her to return and explain to me what living is all about. But that never happened despite all of the bargaining I did with god.

One of the most painful moments in my life was the day I realized I could no longer hear her voice in my head.

Now, even her face has faded from memory. It's really hard to imagine, but it will happen to most of us eventually.

Even stranger still was when I reached the age that she was when she died. I asked myself a lot of questions that day. It was then that I accepted that I don't remember her at all.

Not her smile, not her smell, not her touch... nothing. Just a big black hole where my self confidence used to reside.

No one will ever love you like your mother. But you will learn to live with it. And as you grow older, your peers will have to face the same challenge. You'll be an old pro by then, ready to help others over the hurdle.

Death is not so scary when it comes knocking a second time. In fact it can almost feel familiar and comforting.

Thanks for listening. I guess I feel better now. Today was one of those days for me where I could have used a mom to cry on.

Sleep well tonight, and wake feeling optimistic a hopeful. that's what you mother would really want for her little one... Happiness.

Nelson

Oct 04, 2012
Mam
by: SusanAnonymous

I loss my mam in August 2011 it was such a sock I didn't get the time to say goodbye to my beautiful mam I was 40 mins 2 late I still can not accept that my mam has gone ever day I wait for a sigh just need to know my mammy is ok x

Sep 22, 2012
Coping
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom to cancer last year I feel so sad and lonely and want to help my family but it's hard. I can't settle in a job feel really low I want to beagle to come to terms with it but can't how do I cope please help me

Aug 24, 2012
I miss mine too
by: Anonymous 2

My mom passed away when I was 12 (3 months ago). I miss her so much every day, everyone else just seems to be living on, but I cry myself to sleep most nights. The only thing that helps me get through a day is knowing I am 1 day closer to her, and I am. I will never fully get over it, but one day, when it's my time I will once again be with her and I can't wait. I talk to her every morning and night along with whatever chance I get during the day, I talk aloud, whisper or talk in my head. I contact her in my dreams and try to remember them, but I never will fully recover as I loved her so much and still do. I know she can see me though and doesn't want me 2 be unhappy, but I can't help it..

Feb 11, 2012
mom's love
by: krunal

mah mom passed away on 16th dec 2011 ... c had tumour in stomach n she suffered for 4 months ... like u said she could not speak in her last days but was always looking at meh wid her loving eyes ...i always wanted 2 cry coz of her condition but i didnt ...d time wen c was suffering from nervous system pain was kind of unbearable for her ...c cried a lot against meh ...on morning 16th doctor told meh c has only 10 min ... i cried a lot n tried to talk to her but c was unconcious ...finally c went away from meh ...c was d most loving person in mah whole family ...c did everything for meh was mah best friend , solution giver ...i m missing her like everything n now i realized how much she was important ... m trying so hard to come out from grief but its reali hard

Jan 14, 2012
Wish I knew the words
by: Sheila Donovan

Kumnudini - I am so sorry for you loss. I wish there were some magic words I could say that would help ease your pain but I have yet to hear them myself. I do find it helpful to talk about my Mum to anyone who will listen, do you do the same? One thing I am very aware of is that we all need to get through this at our own pace, not speed it along to please anyone else. We also need to be aware of what we are capable of. For instance, I was invited to lunch yesterday with a friend and I knew that I was not ready. I go to work and I am ok there but I am not interested in socializing yet. And that is ok. You need to do what you can do for you and don't worry about trying to please others. I wish you well and hope that one day you, and I, will be able to find peace once again.

Jan 14, 2012
Beloved Mother
by: Kumudini

Dear Sheila,
My beloved beloved mother too passed away on 13th December 2011. Please help me to overcome this excruciating grief.

Jan 13, 2012
We are in this together
by: Sheila

First of all I have to thank everyone for sharing their stories in response to mine. I find it therapeutic to write things down and I have found it helpful to read your stories as well.

Fran - I do sometimes fall apart when I write in my "Dear Mummy" diary. Especially the first few days as I was so heart broken. I have started keeping a box of kleenex next to the bed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed tears at least several times. When I am writing to her sometimes I am simply sharing what we did that day. Something that I would tell her on the phone if I could. Something funny maybe. Everyday I tell her how much I miss her. It might help you too. To be able to say the things you are holding inside. There is only one rule...there are no rules. I don't worry about spelling, grammar, I just let my pen take over. No one else is going to read it.

Anonymous - Thank you so much for your words of comfort. I am sure this will get easier but I know it will be a long, lonely road. One that I must take on my own. I think of her when I go to bed, she is my first thought when I wake up, and all those hours when I am tossing and turning. Although there are people who do think they are saying the right things (they don't mean to say the wrong things) only people who have suffered this particular loss really get it. Like you.

Donna Jean - I agree with you about hospitals/doctors. It is like when there is something wrong with our car and we take it to a mechanic. We have no choice but to believe that they will find out what is wrong and do the best to fix it. It has been my familiy's experience that sometimes the ego of the physicians get in the way of helping.

Mindy - I know exactly how you feel, anyone who has lost their mother does. It is a physical hurt like none other. I say trying to live without your mother is like having someone cut off your arm and then tell you to knit a sweater...it can be done but it will be very,very difficult. Maybe you could get your own "Dear Mummy" diary too. Would that help you do you think? To at least have someplace to go so that you can be with her? This is going to be a long ride for the both of us...

Jan 12, 2012
she was my mom but also a wife, daughter, grandma, friend...
by: mindy

My mom passed 12-29-11. I'm struggling without her. She was diagnosed with mylonia in Sept. She went into hospice on Christmas eve. When she found out hospice was coming in she said she was scared and not ready to die. She was 66 years old. Her and my dad were married for 50 years. I'm 32 years old and have the 2 youngest grandchildren. My mom was very close with my children, she seen them everyday since I'm a single mom. I now feel like a piece of me is missing and don't know how manage my life without her.



Jan 10, 2012
Our mothers passing together.
by: Donna Jean

I am sorry to hear about your mother. Truly I am. My mother died on August 15, 2011. She also had a stay in the hospital that resulted in her getting worse instead of better. In this modern age when we are led to believe that doctors can cure just about anything, even cancer, we still see many cases where it seems the medical field went backwards many years instead of forward. The hospitals have become a place that frightens us because we could pick up some dreaded disease. If you are a patient and have 2 or 3 doctors or more, it seems everyone of them will tell you something different about what's going on with you, or your loved one. I have my faith in God to stabilize me. I know that sounds corny and wishy-washy to some, but that's the only way I could withstand such pain. I hope you do okay dealing with the loss of your dear mother.

Jan 09, 2012
Time does Heal
by: Anonymous

I lost my Mum 11yrs ago and at the time thought i would never get over it. Each day would drag but bedtime was my sanctuary in the hope that i would meet her in my dreams. The pain was unbearable and all the things that you talk about are so clear to me even now, not being able to just pick up the phone and talk to her, when the children were sick someone to make sense of it all. I received bereavement counselling as the guilt of her passing was too much to cope with. This counselling, at the time, didnt feel like it was doing much good but after 6 weeks i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are levels that we must go through to reach an inner peace.
Don't get me wrong I still think of her and cry but that happens less often now, I can talk about her and relay memories to her grandchildren without dissolving in floods of tears and I can laugh at happy memories and watch videos and hear her voice without feeling so empty inside.
At the moment it doesn't feel like it will get any better but believe me it will.
Take Care of yourself and be as strong as you feel you can, you need to look after those around you that rely on you and you should allow yourself to be looked after too.
Best wishes
xxxxxxxxxxx

Jan 06, 2012
Understand
by: Fran

I lost my mom in September and also sat by her bed and watched her go. I know exactly how it feels to be strong in order to get through all the details that follow. But it has been 3 months and the pain isn't getting better. The world seems to expect you to get over the loss of a parent but like you say ..how do you live without your mother. I am glad you find comfort in writing to her. I can't do that without falling apart. I go to work and pretend because nobody wants to hear it anymore. I just bought a book called When Parents Die and it feels good to read. Hang in there and make your mom proud of the woman you are .

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