How Do You Make Them Understand

by Yvonne
(California)

My family is wonderful. And I know they have their own lives to go to. But how do you make them understand what you are going through? Roger passed away seven months ago and they think I should move on. I come home to our house and it is empty. I have no one to lean on, no one to hold me. They think about him now and then, I think about him 24/7. There is no moving on. There is no getting over, There is only holding on to the wonderful memories and beautiful person he was.

The pain, the guilt, the anger is it all part of the grieving, because I go through it all every day and every minute. I feel guilty that I am here. I hurt every time I think of him. I am mad at everything and everybody because he is not here to enjoy the things everybody else is enjoying. I miss him so much.

Comments for How Do You Make Them Understand

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Aug 11, 2012
Grief Stricken.
by: Anonymous

My husband died just over one month ago. I was frozen for three weeks and now I can't stop crying.I cry every time I look at his photo. I can't believe I will never see him again. I have kept his number on my mobile. I can't bear to delete it. If I'm not crying I'm in a complete panic, shaking and trembling.We were married for 44 years. My kids are carrying on with their lives and don't really understand. I know that when my own father died I hated to see my mom upset, so I try to keep bright and smiley around my kids for most of the time. My grandson keeps asking where grand-dad is it breaks my heart. We were hoping for maybe ten more years together but he died after a very short illness of cancer.

Aug 11, 2012
It's so hard.
by: Anonymous

Everything you are all saying is giving me hope. My dear husband died just over a month ago. I'm beginning to understand that my grown up children's grief if not the same as mine. They can be very caring but also very cruel. My youngest son has his dad's car. It passed its MOT today and I thought that my son would come to see me as would have been my husband's birthday today - but no - he is too tired.

I'm beginning to understand that I'm on my own with this grief - panic attacks, crying, anger, hopelessness, longing to have him back. It passes in time they say but at the moment I an exhausted by this roller coaster of emotion.

Feb 24, 2011
we understand
by: Jackie

Hi Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel. My loving husband died in October and I am still numb. At night I keep all the lights and TV on. I don't sleep without prescriptions to knock me out. I hate this new life. Yesterday I was doing laundry in the utility room. I was putting clothes in the washer. The dryer kept starting by itself. I turned it off four times. I know it was my husband telling me he was here with me. I look forward to his visits, but they aren't the same. I do know he is watching over me. My children have started to go out more with friends leaving me alone. I hate being alone. My friends think I am doing just fine because they don't seem me freaking out at home. Nights are the worst. Please know we are in this together. I look forward to reading what everyone is saying, but I don't always respond. Take care. We all support you.

Feb 22, 2011
We're Not Ready
by: TrishJ

I'm not ready. It's only been 3 months for me. I went out today to walk my daughter's dog and cried the whole time because the last time I walked him my husband was still alive.

I have one of my husband's friends trying to "comfort me." I'm not ready for the kind of comforting he is offering and I'm disgusted by it. This is complicated by the fact that my son is telling me, "Dad's gone and ______ is a great guy."

It's not time for me to move on. I'm not ready to move on. I doubt that I will be ready in another year from now. When you lose the love of your life, that can't be replaced. My husband knew my every thought. I don't even want to thing about that closeness with anyone else. I'm grieving and I will be for a long time. I'll let everyone know when I AM READY. I like thinking about my husband.....all alone....with my tears...hoping that I dream about him when I go to sleep.
Blessings to you. Hope this finds you finding some happiness.

Feb 22, 2011
They won't get it
by: Judy

However much your family loves you they won't get the way you are feeling because they are not experiencing the loss you have experienced.

Their lives have not changed in an irreversible way. They have not lost their lover, best friend, soulmate, daily companion. They may have lost Dad, brother, buddy, grandfather but their loss is not the same as yours. Their life is going on essentially unchanged. Yours has changed forever.

I have experienced all the feelings you describe and feeling abandoned by people who just either didn't have time for me to talk about my loss or just were tired of hearing about it. Sometimes they honestly think they are doing you a favor by telling you to move on, get over it, start a new life etc. The problem is that you just cannot will yourself to do that.

Come back often and talk to us. We all get it.

JM

Feb 22, 2011
Understand
by: Zoe

First you cannot make them understand because you are speaking from a perspective they cannot comprehend. When you loose your beloved time stops. They keep moving but you are nailed to that moment.

Second grief is very personal. You should be greedy with your grief take the time you need and adjust (you notice I say adjust not accept) anyway you need to take time and adjust.
For me personally this is John and my house this is our bed.

I hold to my love as much as I can; that is how I cope, others clean closets and work that way. There is no right or wrong way just your way
Just remember one step one Breath one day at a time

And write here often we always listen.

Feb 21, 2011
You dont... They can't
by:

Yvonne,

Why are you trying to explain it to them? You need no excuse here because we understand. Friends and family members will be sympathetic but after a while I guess we sound like a broken record. Watch their eyes glaze over like oh boy here she goes again. And if your eyes tear up while you are trying to get someone to understand the agony, it makes them even more uncomfortable.

In essence unless they have gone through it they CAN'T understand. They'll say things like life goes on and he would want you to be happy... things like that. If it were that easy, right?

Don't you think that grief is wearing my tail out? I can't think straight I'm a mess I have no pride, is it a choice to just pull out of this funk? No it is not it is something that we have to go through and there is no time table.
I am Just Now beginning to feel a little like my former self before I lost everything. Losing him was losing everything. So I know, really I do, I think that we all do here because we have all lost the one thing that made us, Us. Hold on take things slow as you need to and talk to us we will always be here and always understand...
HH

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