HOW DO YOU OVERCOME LOSS OF A PARENT ?

by Horse - Mikri
(Australia )

Simple question yet never easily answered. How do you overcome the loss of a parent? Does it get easier, I think not. We learn to get on with life because we must, because society says you must move on.

I lost my father 6 Aug 2009, after 13+ years of being diagnosed with dementia. No, it wasn't dementia that killed him, it was 3 aneurysms which were only detected because he ended up going to hospital. He didn't want to get out of bed for a couple of days and didn't want to eat.

After days of tests we finally get answers, he had a ruptured aneurysm plus 2 others. The doctors can't operate due to his health and he would probably not make it thru surgery.

So how are we as a family supposed to react to hearing something like this? How are we supposed to sit there listening to the doctor explaining to us how dad will pass, "he will not feel pain, blood will fill his lungs and he will peacefully pass one day, maybe in 2wks, 2yrs, we don't know when".

So my problem and guilt now is; why didn't we go for a second opinion elsewhere? What if we did and he could have been helped? Why did we just trust the doctors with their findings? What if they just didn't want to spend more time and money on an "old fellow"?

His hospital stay was the most horrible experience our family has gone thru, I can only imagine what he felt. We were told to place him in a nursing home, as his health had gone downhill very fast. I knew it was the environment he was in, the negativity around him; we had to get him out of that horrible hole.

We convinced him to start eating and get out of bed so we could all go home, and he did. I even got to manicure his nails and take him out to the podiatrist, a day I will never forget. Seeing him smile and talking about wanting to come out again. Two wks. later he passed, my poor mother was left with the agonizing role of CPR, a 77 year old fragile woman, at home alone trying to save her husband of 56 yrs.

I can only imagine the hurt and pain she went thru and is still going thru. The only comfort we have is knowing we did the right thing and took him home, away from the foreign environment, he was home with his family and hopefully happy in his last moments.

People say the pain and grief gets easier. Well it doesn't. We just learn to deal with it, and even pretend it's all okay, because we must get on with life, move forward. But all along we suffer in silence with the hurt, pain and guilt inside.

I will always remember my dad and the times we spent together, good and bad. I just wish he held on for a few more months to walk me down the aisle. I had a dream a few months before his passing that he was going to die. Now I wish I had not dreamt it, going through every day knowing that he would not be at my wedding was the worse feeling I have ever felt.

Even though my dad is around in spirit, fluttering around as a beautiful butterfly, I would give anything to have him here today in the flesh, even with all the issues we went through with his dementia. He drove us mad, but we still loved him so much, as that was out of his control.

I miss him very much and I want him to know that horse loves him dearly, always have and always will. Till we meet again dad xoxox

Comments for HOW DO YOU OVERCOME LOSS OF A PARENT ?

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May 16, 2013
loss of a parent
by: oodi

I lost my dad when I was just 4 years and my sister was 9 months old. My mother had to go for work nd she left us at with my maternal grand parents. The eldest brother of my mom, my mama brought us up. A very down to earth person who used to sacrifice even the clothes he is wearing just to help other. He used to hold my hand and used to drop me school every day. He used to teach me , used to play with me, used to love me a lot. He was father for me. Unfortunately I lost him on 11th april 2010. He suffered a lot.I can't believe he is not there with me now. I cry when I am alone. I miss him so very much. I can't share my feelings with anyone. That is why I am writing here. Please suggest what should I do? I want him back no matter what it costs. He was every thing to me. I love him... please come back mamaji a need you :(

Nov 07, 2012
It Takes Time
by: Horse - Mikri

Ambalika, condolences on the loss of your father. I feel your pain, the loss of a parent is great. It will take time, the pain never heals and you will always miss him but you will learn to live day by day as that is what your father would want from you & the family. One day we will all meet again in a beautiful place. Our loved ones have left our place in body but in spirit they are always around watching and helping us through. There memories will always live on in our hearts. Do not be afraid to let your emotions go, if you need to cry, scream, hide away, do so but just don't bottle things up as it will then take much longer to heal. Let yourself believe that he is around and you will sense your father . . . . Take care xx

Nov 07, 2012
My Dad, My Life
by: Ambalika Prasad

I have lost my dad and its one week now. I am finding so hard to move on as the thought of him keeps on coming in front of my eyes. The way he was lying on the bed after being declared "Passed away" by the doctors. Oh God, please give me strength to move on. He was suffering from a disease known as enlarged heart to which the doctors said there is no treatment. I wish i could do something to save him, so that he could still be around with us. I miss him so much. I was planning to celebrate his 28th wedding anniversary with a big blast next year, but before that, he left was all. He wanted to go overseas on a holiday, i could not send him becasue he was unfit to travel. Seeing my mum's dull face with teary eyes hurts so much... Its like hundreds and thousands of needles pinching through me. I dont know where you are papa, whether you are seeing us in so much pain or not, but just know that you are deeply missed by your children and your wife. Your daughter is going insane after losing you. You were the best papa anyone could ever have. I only now realise what it is like to be without a father. Papa you mean the world to us and without you, nothing is the same. Whenever i look at your photo, i have a feeling that very soon you are going to say something. And i keep on looking at your photo, but you just keep quiet, you dont talk to me anymore. I love you so much.

Aug 11, 2012
Trying...
by: Anonymous

I am in a very similar situation, lost my father 2 months ago. I am unable to get over the grief. Please read below points, it might help you. I am still trying.

1) If you are a religious person, pray everyday. Prayer is a great relief. It gives strength and peace of mind.

2) Try to keep yourself busy with daily activities. Your presence and time is needed for many people.Spend more time with your loved ones. Spouse, Siblings, relatives, friend etc.Help close ones, helping is a ripple effect.

3) Express your feelings with your close ones. Sharing will help a lot.

4) Grief is more at the end of the day. You wake up in the morning with the fresh mind. Try to keep yourself busy at the end of the day.

5) Try to think practically, though it is not easy. You have no control over death. Everyone will die one day. You and me will have to leave this world. At some point of time, we have to overcome this grief. If not today, tomorrow, or some day. Hence you have to get over it.

Time is the healer of all wounds. Grief will be relieved over course of time. I am trying...

Feb 29, 2012
paining
by: Anonymous

can someone from this beautiful site please help me. I lost my mom 8 months ago. but i can't stop moaning sometimes i feel like running away.

Feb 29, 2012
about my dad
by: Anonymous

The same happened with me ..sudeenly my dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and then cancer dunno how abrupt it was but then its been just 3 months and we dont know how to cope up ..........its a pain ..harsh pain

Oct 26, 2011
sorry to hear
by: Anonymous

I am saddened to hear your dad's story.i lost my mom 5 months. and its a horrible feeling,
I can to this site to read stories of people who are in the same boat with me. Mum was killed given wrong drugs to the Dr which lead to her death. Now I am suffering like hell, I had a beautiful life but now my life is a nightmare.
Hold on to those you give support and I know there could only be a few like in my case.

God bless you,

Dec 21, 2009
THANK YOU MR DANA
by: Horse

Mr Dana,

Thank you for your warm words and I wish you and your family all the very best. They will live on in our hearts and memories forever.

Dec 21, 2009
So sad to hear...
by: Mr. Dana

While it is very sad to hear your circumstances surrounding you fathers death, I most definitely feel for your mother.

I lost my "Ma" just under 5 months ago. I can picture myself giving her CPR...even though I was not supposed to. Would it have helped?? We'll never know. However, YOUR "Ma" gave it a try, and hooray for her.

My best wishes to you from Waconia, MN USA.

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