How long to get past the hurt?

by John
(Pensacola Florida)

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, background is we had been having some problems over the last 10 years. On her part she was physically and mentally rejecting me which caused me to be frustrated and withdrawn. I was to the point of even looking up on how to deal with a sexless marriages. but it was a silent battle as we never openly talked about our issues except when I ask about her lack of affection and rejection claimed it was hormones and part of her change. I accepted this and just tried to deal but it did make me frustrated. I have a strong belief in our Marriage vows and I just thought the we were at a point of worse (For better or worse) She is very religious herself. We have 3 kids all over 18

Looking back its easy to see a change but I didn't while it was occurring this started after she had gained some weight about 4 years ago. She then joined a gym and seemed almost obsessed with looking good. Part of this was She had started a new job. I encouraged her to do what she needed to better herself. All the while we seemed to be trapped in a cycle of she was pulling away starting to go out more and I was more frustrated and withdrawn trying to figure it out after work with workmates. I travel a lot so never really noticed. Never in my wildest dreams was divorce on my radar but about 9 months ago I found a book called relationship rescue in her bedside table. Looking at it the only part filled in was in the whats wrong section and questions from that my wife wrote some pretty hurtful things. She is 45 I am 51 and she was disgusted with my appearance along with other things That shocked me. She was worried her not wanting me would lead me to have an affair and she also said didn't want to be married anymore.

So I confronted her when she got home and it was at this point she told me she loved me but didn't love me and wanted to separate. I was blindsided by this and from that point on last summer was a blur. Once she told me I started paying more attention. I was pleading with her that I knew we can fix things and to maybe go to counseling. Her reply was no counseling that she had tried for many years and I was set in my ways. This made no sense to give up and go against church teachings.

I moved out of the bedroom into my office still hoping to fix things and understand how this all happened.But I was more aware of what was going on and suspicious that there had to be a reason for her drastic change. We had been almost 10 years dealing with (What I know as a hormone issue to include many doctors visits) I also started reading online and all of her answers and reasons were dead on the many lists of fact when you have a spouse cheating. One night a few weeks later while I was out of town had talked to her and she said she was going to help someone move and would be home about 9. I was on Facebook and notice where the girl she was helping had said thanks to everyone and this was at 5. I txt my wife and got no answer so knowing her information I tracked her phone and found it at an address an hour away from where she was helping. Looking up basic info from web I found where it was the home of a 45 year old workmate who the previous Christmas wanted to invite over for Christmas dinner due to his wife leaving him. So I was upset and watch as her car stayed there till almost 3 Am. I watch her drive home and I called her and confronted her again of seeing him and she denied it.

For the rest of the summer she moved out into her own apartment and I would not be able to sleep and drive by her apartment only to find her car not there at 2-3 in the morning and find it at his place. She claimed all summer he was just a friend from work helping her get through. She got a pay as you go phone as she didn't like me watching her calls and she dropped it one day in the driveway. My youngest 19 year old got into it and saw txt between her and him. He has never told me what he saw but all he did say was Dad they are in a relationship. She was embarrassed and told him he was a friend only and they had only hugged but it was a relationship she would like to pursue in the future. I talked with her on the phone after that and that is when she admitted to me. It wasn't outright but her terms was I didn't mean for it to happen and yes I want to pursue a relationship with him in the future. Her biggest concern was trying to get me to understand that it didn't start till Aug and that she pursued him. I have had many talks with counselors and my priest and I firmly believe she cheated even if no sex was involved. Most say they don't leave unless they have someone to goto and even though she denies the sex I feel she gave herself emotionally which in my and my church belief is adultery. She gave me back her iPhone after she got her a new number and she didn't wipe it well and I found a picture of her and him together 2 months before I confronted her. The picture was of them snuggled up at a bar having a beer looking as happy as any couple would be.

We have never had any fights really about it that one night on the phone we got loud otherwise it seem to always be nice and friendly and she has treated me as an old friend. but recently as my pain continues I have no longer covered so to speak and when ask say she cheated and left me for a co-worker, This has upset her and she claims I spreading bad rumors about the what happened. She has changed her story again now and now says they only talked on the phone until we filled and it wasn't until her counselor said to follow her heart that she went after him which she claims was late fall.

We filed a no contest divorce in Oct. I didn't want it but felt I had no choice as she was clearly already gone. Was told it would be 6-9 weeks since we agreed on everything and her. It is 9 months later and Im still married to her. 3 months ago she moved in with this good friend from work and 2 months ago told the kids she was dating him.

I have tried and tried to put this past me. I know now we were not happy and I wonder if she ever loved me, but I still believe if given the chance we could of worked it out. When I ask her earlier about trying to work it out she said no that she didn't love me and I told her that that's ok you didn't love me when we first met and we could start again but she declined...I also know it takes two willing people to make that happen and she is not. My biggest problem and question above stems from the hurt. I have not been able to get past the fact that the woman I'm married to is living with another man is a full on relationship and society in general as well as friends treat it all as its no big deal. I feel she has gotten away with no repercussions for what she has done. She is perfectly happy its seems and this week I hear she has flown north to meet his relatives all this while still being a married woman.

I understand God will judge in the end and I need to forgive and let got do the judging. But for me its very hard as I feel the type of man that would knowingly be with married woman is lower then low and I'm told I have to allow my kids to make their own decision about him. I worry they will like him better, I worry he will become part of their lives and he doesn't deserve this I feel he is like a cancer attaching to my family and I cant do anything about it. This pain and anger and hurt have gone on for almost a year now and I'm worried it will consume me. Everything seems unfair in away as the one blindsided and left. Her already having another relationship. The fact they were coworkers at public which is against policy and they turned a blind eye. It also pains me greatly to see her acting as if her life with me never existed she has totally merged into her new life. I can see where people go for the revenge in these situations because you want the one who left to feel the same level of pain you do. I have thought of ways to cause her hurt financially and emotionally but my faith has prevents as its not my place its very frustrating having to watch her just walk away with out a care it seems.

I know my happiness is controlled by me and most say I should be grateful for this chance to find happiness but there is some connection yet with my wife I just cant seem to release to fully move on. This is what has spurned my question above, this lack of consequences for her actions as well as not seeing any justice is effecting me and causing me great hurt that seem to continue.

On the recommendation of my counselors and priest Ive started to date but they don't go well as I'm still dwelling on my past and the wife and her boyfriend. Which seems to always come up and at that point the evening ends. This shows me until I'm fully over and able to forgive I will be stuck and I am looking for anything that may aid me is moving past this hurt and despair I feel or if I'm doomed as many who have been tossed aside.

Comments for How long to get past the hurt?

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Jun 27, 2013
Reply to Pat and Judith
by: Anonymous

Your words were very helpful. When I wrote this last week I was I at a low point due to her going out of town with him. Last week I had received in the mail a recommended book by Ray Pritchard called "The healing power of forgiveness" so Sunday after church I sat and read the book and did some self reflection and it was like a light bulb going off. I realized I need tote go of the hurt and anger. I realized any justice required will be administered by God and that if I so t let go of the hurt and anger ill never see the plan he has in store for me. So I have started that transition and really am trying to forgive. I e made some steps In that direction and doing so I already feel much better. It won't happen over night I know but I'm think I can start to look forward because Gods plan for me does not include her. Your words were helpful and I greatly appreciate you replying this is something no one can ever possible prepare for and I think if I knew it was coming I would never of believed it. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Jun 24, 2013
As fast as Possible
by: judith in California

John, Pat is sooo right on her adice. I agree and wish I had written it. . I can't believe you were told to go out and date. There is no way you could establish a mild friendship at this point. You have to get right with yourself. Your ex was lying to you all the time because 99% of the time when a woman is that turned off she is turned on by someone else.

'Get your backbone back and stand up for yourself. Her leaviing was all about her was never about you. Even if you had lost weight, dressed like or looked like Elvis she wouldn't have changed.

Listen to Pat and move on to your best life.

God bless you on your journey.

Jun 24, 2013
Dear John,
by: Pat in Missouri

You asked how long will it take to get through the hurt. It will take as long as you allow it to. Your pain and hurt are consuming you. What has happened in your life is so unfair, but trying to hold on to a woman who doesn't want your relationship anymore is wasting your time, your energy, your health, and making you miserable.

I have to disagree with the advice you have been given about dating other women. It is so obvious that you will never be able to see someone else, until you heal from your relationship with your wife. Before you can start another relationship, you need to define yourself, just yourself. Not yourself minus your wife or yourself alone because your wife cheated on you---just yourself. I suggest you bring this up either with your counselor or find another counselor.

Io some extent, I can understand what you are going through because I have spent years defining myself as the other half of a relationship that died on Sept. 16, 2011. My fiance' died. Your wife may still be alive, but your relationship has died. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to work on you. Years ago I was also divorced. At the time, it felt like a death. It took me about 5 years and a lot of counseling to find myself and move on. I finally did that and actually moved on by moving geographically. I think it helped a lot to be away from the things, the people, and the environment I only knew with my spouse. Now, I am going through another loss. This time it is a real death. For you, my friend, I think you should go ahead and finalize your divorce, cut the strings, and be happy. Find your new life. Did you ever hear the saying "happiness is the best revenge?" Your wife has gone off and left you and seems to be happy. Accept that and find your own happiness.

I hope I have not been too blunt, but you asked for any ideas you could get. I should tell you that I am a trained counselor, but counselors also feel pain and grief. I think you may need to find a different counselor. There is no shame in doing that. In fact, when a client is not comfortable with his counselor, the counselor must give his client the right to change and even help with a referral. This is part of the ethical standards that licensed professional counselors must adhere to. I also suggest you see your family doctor about getting some medication for depression and anxiety. If you can't relax a little more, you will become physically ill.

I wish you many blessings and send many hugs. I know this is not easy, but you will feel so much better when you really find John. I hope you will write back and let us know how you are doing. Pat

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