How long will this pain inside take to go?!?

by Katie Jane
(Essex, United Kingdom)

My grandad passed away on the 12th february 2012 of cancer, he died in hospital weighin just 3 stone, I was with him everyday for a week till he passed, me and my family were with him when he took his last breathe and I just can't get the image of his pulse in his neck just stopping and my family breaking down. My heart hurts so much he was more then my grandad he was like my father not seeing my own for just over 20 years and having no contact with my other grand father, he meant the world to me. I wish I could of took the pain and discomfort in the last week of his life away from him, he could hardly eat but I fed him spoonfuls when I could. I have this feeling that I want to hurt someone or even myself and just scream, is this normal to feel like this? And does the pain ever go, everything still seems surreal I keep thinking his suddenly going to reappear and its like his on holiday somewhere. I no longer can hear his voice in my head and I really wish I had a voicenote of him on my phone. I'm so proud of him he was such a strong man and in the 4 years of him having cancer he never complained once, always smiled right up till the last few hours before he slipped into the coma. I Love you and miss you so much grandad.

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