How much sorrow can I take?
I don't know how much more of this I can take..
Each time I try to begin the healing process for one traumatic event, something replaces it and I am back at step one.
In April 2007 my young beautiful daughter gave birth to a baby boy who we could not keep and decided to let another family raise him. It was totally heartbreaking - for me to see my 16 year old child in so much pain (physically, emotionally, mentally) and for my own pain at letting go of my first grandchild. It felt like a part of me was torn away and left an open wound.
In March 2008 my dad passed away. He never had a significant role in my life so I wasn't sure if I should even attend his funeral because I didn't think I would feel anything at his death. I was wrong. I felt so much sadness and regret.
In April 2010 my dear friend who was more like a sister to me died from cancer. The disease spread very quickly and before I knew it I received an email telling me she was in the hospital and received last rites. When she passed away, I cried for days and days. My heart felt like it had a huge hole in it.
On December 10, 2011 my mom finally lost her battle with brain cancer. I had been expecting it but when it happened I was still shocked. I just wanted to run to a corner and sob my heart out that my mom had left this world and I would have to wait a long time before I saw her again. It hurt so much to lose her. I was devastated.
Just a little over two months later, February 15, 2012 I was told my one and only sister had been found dead. Only the week before she had celebrated her 41st birthday and was looking forward to a new direction in her life. I could not believe that my little sister was dead.. I kept repeating she can't be, she can't be..I had to be escorted home from work. I completely lost it. I was in disbelief and I think I still am. My sister was my other half. We were three years apart but we were more like twins. I still cannot grasp that I will never see her again in this life and that I will have to wait years before I do.
My mom, my sister and I were a threesome. We would call and talk on the phone for hours every day. We were close. We shared laughter and tears. I am left behind and I don't know how I am supposed to life without either of them.
I'm told God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but at this point it is just ridiculous. How much sorrow is one person expected to handle? I just don't know what to do. I could cry, bawl, wail and scream out my pain and anger but I would probably just ended up stroking out or something.
I have to stay in this world for my daughter and grandson…