How much worse can it get?

by Mike
(LaPlace, LA)

April 2010 Vavcation.

April 2010 Vavcation.

First, I want to thank everyone here for their kind words; Buzz, HH, Patricia, Jen and everyone else. Sorry if I can't remember everyone's name right now, I am still having trouble concentrating. And if there was anything I could say to help your plight I would. But we all have to take this in small pieces.

My year has been full of sorrow. Not only did my wife pass on Dec. 1st; my Mother passed on Jan. 27th and my Uncle (her brother) on Nov. 22nd. My father passed in Jan 98 and my step-daughter (lise's daughter) in Nov 04. I am trying to look at 2011 with optimism knowing that at least I am running out of people to outlive. Does that sound right? Am I going nuts? This road is tough.

I avoided all TV references to the new year and was in bed by 9pm. I did not want to not have her to kiss at midnight. I wouldn't commit suicide but I would welcome death. Do you know what I mean?

I went with a friend today to visit another friend whose wife just underwent surgery. I think I felt a little better since the holidays are over. Not good, but I didn't have those damn holidays staring me in the face. I can't wait until everyone takes all the decorations down and they stop playing those merry holiday commercials.

I want to wish us all a better year and I hope that we can start to smile when we remember instead of cry.

Comments for How much worse can it get?

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Feb 23, 2011
Hi
by: Jen


Mike,
Are you ok havent heard fromyou in so long!!


Just checking,

Jen

Jan 13, 2011
Hi
by: Jen

Hi Mike,
How you getting on.
Hope your keeping your head above water.

Jen

Jan 02, 2011
love and healing
by: kay

Mike
I feel your words in my heart. My heart is still aching for the loss of my son 23 years young May 2010. We will never fully recover but hopefully gently heal from within...just enough to carry on with our new normal way of life. The path we tread is so very painful...yet we must take that path..ever so slowly and carefully and at times I find myself back to the beginning and starting all over again. I feel still a longing to be with my wonderful son...I would not commit suicide but would welcome death also, sometimes I think about this and wonder. I truly hope that 2011 is a year where we will all find peace within ourselves and be able to commence on our long and painful journey to an understanding and purpose to our lives here without our loved ones. take care xxxI wish you love and healing

Jan 02, 2011
For Mike
by: Jen


Mike,
You sound totally miserable and its awful to feel thro words your pain.
You have been thro a lot and it all takes a lot of time to even start to mend any part of this.

Your in a dark dark place but i promise you that you will survive this. That's hard for you to imagine right now and i was saying exactly the same thing in those very early days but now 2 years on it is getting better.


Our achievements thro this are huge and you will be proud of all you are doing. I wrote a journal and poured my heart and soul into it. Now i can look back this time last year in it and see where i was and and where i am now ...unbelievable.
Its really early days. Be easy on yourself. It's a long ride but stick with it..You could surprise yourself.

Take care Mike, Your doing great.

Jen

Jan 02, 2011
Know the feeling
by: Anonymous

I am also glad that the holiday season is nearly over, I am sick of all those so called feel good movies and ads. I never understood the phrase 'some things are worse than death' I now do. I will not commit suicide because I know that I will not go to heaven where my soul mate is with my heart. I will not do anything to prolong my life either. We lived a reclusive life so now I have no one but my computer. I have never experienced pain, heartbreak and loneliness like this.

I hope you can find peace and happiness in the new year. I am sure your wife is looking down on you from heaven and wishing you a happy life. My God keep you and give you hope for the future.

Jan 02, 2011
so empty
by: buzz

Hey, Mike you had a lousy year, i know the feeling. In March,i had an accident at work, they wanted to fire me. Worked there 31 years and they wanted to fire me, but the union saved my job, but there was a week i didn't know if i had one, bad bad feeling in the work place today. They gave me 4 weeks off on pay. I was just glad to have a job. I had already plan a trip with my 4 kids and girlfriend to the outer banks. Before the trip my girlfriends blood test said she might have blood clotting problems, she had a ultra sound done nothing showed, flew down to outer banks. 2 days later woke up, her foot and leg were swollen, went to ER down there, yes found clot. We stayed the week, had to buy Lovenox, very expense, she had no insurance, she had just started new job, came home figured the shots would take care of clot.

We had a nice party with friends i hadn't seen in years, just put in her dream kitchen. THINGS SEEMED GREAT, then one morning she said she coughed up just a little blood, this had been going on since april, may, june, I said let`s go to ER. That's when we learn she had cancer.

THE ROLLER COASTER ROAD of 2010 has taken it`s toll. Your wife died the day before my girlfriend, it seems like 4 months instead of 4weeks, i know what your feeling about all the holiday stuff, i fake my way through it with my kids, i didn't put up tree, presents were unwrapped, watched so many football don't even know who won most of them and didn't really care.

I was only with my girlfriend only 5 years but they were the best and happiest of my 57 years on earth. Mike i can't believe it can get worse. WE HAVE TO BE ON BOTTOM OF THE PIT. Hang in there, Mike that's all i hear, it will get better,
Yeah right. BUZZ

Jan 01, 2011
The ups and downs of grief
by:

Mike,

Fortunately I do not have T.V. at the moment, And did not watch the ball come down. I did promise my son he could stay up until midnight.

The time between 10PM and Midnight seemed like an eternity and when 12 Oclock came I put him to bed and stared at the walls till 2. It felt like the loneliness of a 1,000 nights into one.

It is sooooo hard in the beginning and even now I have pangs of loneliness that cannot be soothed.
But the all consuming burning grief that occupies your mind night and day will gradually ever so gradually give you a a bit of a break over time.

Time does NOT heal your wounds, just allow the wound to close enough so that you can walk again,
and begin to see some brightness in life you thought was gone forever.

It's hard to see now I know. It is a gradual process and the only way to get through grief is walk through it, walk with it, let it take you where it wants to go. You have no control over this and just forget asking how long? Take things day by day and one day you will have a good day and think my God it has been forever since I smiled, Laughed or even noticed the beauty all around me.

Do not expect a a lot from yourself. Get through the day and survive the nights. That's all you can do for now. And that is quite enough.
HH

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