how my life became misery

by savana
(south carolina)

My dad was a loving man with a moderate temper. I got into an argument and told him I hated him. Now one year and five days later I am still hurting so bad. It all happened when I was staying with a friend. When I awoke to someone shaking me and telling me to get up quickly. If only I had know why there was so much panick in the voices.
When I got home I saw my mom crying and telling me that my dad was dead and that he had been shot. It was so painful even now a year and a week later I begin to cry and feel so much guilt.

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Feb 10, 2013
how my life became misery
by: Doreen U.K.

Savanah I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad to a sudden death. I don't think there is anyone in this world who has not said or done something to someone they regretted which hurt them. In your case you are feeling the pain of guilt because you cannot say sorry or ask for forgiveness and so you carry this burden and cannot release yourself from the pain. I would feel the same way. In fact it has taken me years to get to the place where I can find release from the pain of the past. I faced depression and most of my regrets sprung from this. I didn't make excuses because of this. I found myself in a place where I could go back and take full responsibility and apologise to the people I hurt. It matters not that they may have had some part in my actions. I did the right thing for me. I found Peace when I did this. In your case you cannot go through life punishing yourself for what you said. If you believe in God you can go to him and pour your heart out to Him and ask for his Comfort and Peace, and also for God to release you from this burden of guilt. You can in the physical realm go to the grave where your father is buried or cremated and pour out your heart to him and tell him Sorry. Even if he is not able to respond you will find release. You have to find a way to FORGIVE YOURSELF.
When I was a child I am sure there were times I hated my parents for something or other. That is what children do. When you become an Adult and you do this you would have probably had a good reason to utter this statement " I HATE YOU." We all utter things in haste and then have to go and put it right if we can.
As a parent of 3 Adult children there are times when my children also would have uttered angry statements and regretted this. But I said to myself if I gave my children reason to hate me then I would never hold this against them. If I didn't give them reason to hate me then I would out of love FORGIVE THEM. This is what parent's do. They Love so much that forgiveness is not an option. I hope you find Peace in your life and go on and live your life without this guilt hanging over your head and limiting your future life of happiness.

Feb 10, 2013
Dear Savana,
by: Pat

We all say things that we regret later. I know your father knew you loved him. All kids have arguments with their parents. It sounds like your father was a good and caring man. He knew you loved him and he loved you. Making yourself miserable will not help him or you. I know that doesn't help you to hear that, but be gentle with yourself. Talk with your mother about your feelings. She will understand because she is hurting too. Grief is a normal part of life. We will all lose loved ones in our lives, but it is never easy. I don't know your age, but if you are a teen or child, there are support groups just for your age. If you are an adult, there are many support groups available through churches, community centers, or hospice agencies. Perhaps, your mother will want to attend with you. You have much to live for. You will find your way through this. Do not let that one statement you made, in the heat of an argument, stop you from living. Honor your father by doing things in his name or by helping others. Your father will be so happy. He is in Heaven now and watching over you. All you have to do is make him proud. Take care. Please write back. I feel your hurt. I have lost 3 loved ones myself.

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