how r u?

by MALGOSIA
(USA)

MY SON, MY EVERYTHING

MY SON, MY EVERYTHING

Well meaning people calling and asking me "how r u?" Let me tell u how I am doing.
june 30 2012 I got the call. MY SON MY ONLY CHILD DIED. How I suppose to answer on this question. I am great, my heart is ripped from my chest, I am shaking like an old women, I often forget to breath, or brush my teeth. I am into internal design , have beautiful house, now, I hate my house, what do I need it for, the staff what you collecting for your kids, the gold rings for your future daughter in low, the wedding service, u never use, the money you were saving to sup rice your child on his wedding day...
how am i doing? i AM IN PAIN, I CAN NOT THINK STRAIT, I CAN NOT MAKE A DECISION,ON WHAT CAN TO OPEN FOR DINNER(I WAS EXCELLENT COOK) I CAN NOT TALK TO MY MOTHER AND LISTENING HER TELLING ME"U SHOULD DO THIS OR THAT", ICAN NOT DO ANYTHING MY SON IS DEAD AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK.

So next time you ask me " How are you " you stop and take the time to hear how i am.

Comments for how r u?

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Mar 29, 2013
What is the point?
by: Anonymous

It's a struggle. Even trying to write this is making me sick. My wife and I lost our only child in December 2012. Our 17 year old son decided he wanted to be happy. Im angry, how did he decide this on his own. I struggle with the possible reasons and nothing makes sense. I have nothing to hope for and I'm tired of people telling me there is hope. People say stupid things. Stop trying to cheer me up. Im not comforted with the reassurances that he is in heaven and I will see him again. I want him back. We had him at a very young age in today's standard. I have a whole life in front of me. It makes me sick. I envy people in jail. They have something to look forward to. Freedom in 25 years, early parole or maybe friends that might visit. People dont get it. I feel like im trying to argue my point all the time. This is no way to live. No more planning for the future, I dont want things as well. It makes me sick to have stuff. Eating nice meals, what else is left? We live a comfortable life but it feels like a personal hell. Waiting to die. Next to suicide, I think the parents that lose their child because of their doing (accident) are in a rougher situation, then comes murder, accident, then physical illness like cancer. Im really trying to find the good, I dont see it. Volunteer, I wasnt doing this before or to be a better person. Im not a good person. He wanted us to stay strong. How does that work?

Feb 11, 2013
what a beautiful smile
by: Anonymous

Dear malgosia,
Your posting and your son's captivating smile brought tears to my eyes. I lost my son in May 2012 due to an accidental drug overdose....everything in my house brings back memories of keith...I cry all the time...
Like you, I am not happy and am overwhelmed w grief...people seem to think we should just move on..but they don't know the deep pain we feel to the core, how our lives were irreparably broken..how we struggle to go on one day at a time.
What has helped me a bit is to reach out to some of Keith's friends...I take them out for dinner sometimes and we share memories... it's deeply painful but helpful...I am thinking about joining a helpful cause after I'm stronger...for now I love his friends ( I really didn't like some of them before) and try to remember that he wouldn't want me sad.

Try to honor your son by remembering his beautiful smile and think about how he wouldn't want you sad..
My thoughts are with you


Jan 16, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

All the things that will never be used.......
All the dreams we will never watch..........
Yes,it is devastating ,heartbreaking,overwhelming!
I lost my son 2 months ago.
No one knows but us who somehow endure.....
And day by day,bit by bit,we somehow go on.
My heart is with you.

Sep 27, 2012
I feel that same.
by: malgosia

I don't want to hear about your kids wedding, graduation or what they doing right now, why people don't understand,that by sharing those information with me, they create more pain. I do wish everyone good life, but I don't want to hear about it, because my child will not have a wedding, graduation, Birthdays, christmas, I will not see his wonderful smile or his strong beautiful voice. So,please don't tell me your great stores about your kids or grandkids, don't ask me how am i doing and please, stop wishing me great day and happy anything. I am dying, slow dead from broken hart.....

Sep 26, 2012
No you are not alright
by: Anonymous

Eight months ago I lost my only son Michael. He died in a car accident. He was my life . If one more person tells me how good I am doing I am going to scream. I am not doing well at all. You see I really don't care. I don't want to hear about their grandchildren.Their weddings Their big family gatherings. Most of all I don't want to hear about heaven. Life is now one big pretense. I will go on,as there is only one other alternative. But am I alright Never. We will ever be alright.No. The pain will always be there, and only a mother who has lost her only child in his prime understands this pain. You have lost everything. You have lost your future. You will find joy in things but happiness... no I don't think so. You will never be alright. How in heaven's name could you be.

Sep 24, 2012
I more than understand
by: Anonymous

Hi my name is Molly, and I lost my son July 18 2011 a bit over a year now. Like you this was my one and only child, my world my heart and my everything. I get it when you say that people are getting on ur nerves with that question. I went through the same emotions and had to tell them verbally to stop. I realize that it wasn't to be mean it's just a habit but all the same we are left feeling destroyed eachtime someone ask, we just don't know how to answer. I told them to just say hi how was your day or how is the day going, something along those lines. Like you when Quinn died I looked around at everything that I had and hated it all, I also think about all the pictures and things that are a part of our lives and when I die who will want them who will care?? Quinn was yonger leaving this world of a sudden heart problem without notice or warning. Only 16 so young but I think it doesn't matter when our child dies as long as they go before us it is just devestating. What I have learned in this short but long year of pain is that it will never get better. Time just goes on and we learn to adjust. Don't look to be happy like you used to be it will never happen but you will have moments of laugher and possibly happiness weither you want to or not. I think it's just human nature you will just accept life and fake the rest while you go on. Forever you will be broken but the feeling of it will I think change over time. I know I will never be happy again but just having to pretend it for everyone at work and family makes you just adjust to your situation and ache and hurt in privacy. People that say it gets better in time are not telling the truth, we just get used to it in time and thats it. I am sorry if I offend anyone but to me this is the truth and thats all I need to hear. Anyone who lost a child knows it will never be happiness and thats it.

Sep 22, 2012
how r u
by: Malgosia

Thank u very much for all comments to my "cry", I am reading them again and again, and even my fait is shaken right now, I am praying many times a day for all of us, who lost children and loved ones. God be with all of us.

Sep 21, 2012
So sorry
by: Anonymous

So sorry for your loss and grief. You have written with such emotion that I can feel, taste and almost touch your pain. It is familiar pain. I know it well. Time does not take it away, but we learn to live with it and feast on the memories of our beloved child. I share something with you from my story sold on Amazon. We each have a story to share and mine started as a journal to pour out the pain. It helped me. Perhaps it would help you too.

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, They will not leave it. Proverbs 22:6

Lord, thank You for this promise. I lift up my children daily to You, for only You can protect them, guide them, knock on the door of their hearts and entreat them to let You enter their lives and be their Friend.

I must admit that I have pangs of guilt a midst the stabs of pain. For one of my children was started on the path, but he chose to snuff out his light himself . . . so how does this text apply to him?

My question remains suspended in the air between us. I suspect no answer will come . . . this side of heaven. I also suspect this is where trust comes in, right Lord?

I choose to trust that You will keep each promise in Your Word, and all of them joined together end to end, include all of Your precious children. For You are in the business of saving lives, not destroying them.

So keep knocking on the door of our hearts. Keep directing our paths. Eternity is where Your eyes are focused . . . and so are mine.

~ from the book, Shattered by Suicide, G.Thompson

Sep 21, 2012
how r u?
by: Doreen U.K.

Malgosia good to hear from you again. But sorry to hear how much pain you are still in which is totally understandable. I guess people don't know what to say so they ask how r u? They don't mean you any hurt. They will carry on saying the same thing unless you speak honestly and tell everyone it hurts you still. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need of them. If it is nothing then take all the time you need for yourself. We mothers give our lives to our children. Our husband and children are our world. When anything disturbs this. We HURT. It is going to hurt till the day we die. I thought my sister was coping after the death of her son 5yrs ago. She always manages to disguise this so she always looks cheerful. Recently I visited her with our other sister only to find that she is all alone with her grief. Days she is not coping at all Her only support and comfort is to go on the website of compassionate friends. This is the only time she feels better. Talking therapy to a counsellor helps many people. I guess we all have to explore and find what works for us.
We all go through life accumulating material possessions and it is only when we lose someone in death that we then spend our time getting rid of it all and then it seems to have no value. We question ourselves and ask WHY? do we do this. Why can't we live with little. But I guess this is life. My father spent his whole life wearing old clothes with holes in it and he wouldn't spend any money. He was against this because he grew up in so much poverty. I often wished that I had inherited his habit of saving more and spending less. The only good thing about buying is that we are creating jobs for people who make these goods, otherwise no one would have employment. My father was against us his children buying him a greeting card for his birthday. He thought this was a waste of money. I worked in a Card factory which made the cards. If everyone had this attitude the world would stop. I would have been unemployed. The industry would collapse. I then changed my FOCUS and did not think like my father.
Malgosia I know what you mean. It hurts to see everyone going on as normal when your world has been blown up to pieces and you are still in pieces. You also have a sick husband. How is he doing? Please let us know. If you have the God channel on TV. Tune into this. You will get all the Comfort from God directly to pick you up and help you go on each day. Sometimes it is not enough. Our grief is toooo much for us to bear. When God says in his Good Book that He will not let us suffer more than we can bear, but will make a way of escape that we may be able to bear it. Ofen this doesn't make sense when our hearts and souls are bursting with pain. But we have to TRUST in a God who says I AM THE LORD YOUR HEALER. I will never leave you OR FORSAKE YOU. I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS. May the Love and Peace of God Comfort you in the days and months ahead.

Sep 20, 2012
I know how you feel
by: Elizabeth

I understand how you feel. I lost my beloved Jordan on June 6th, 2012. Time is marching on and the pain is unbearable. How am I suppose to cope with a broken heart. I am afraid of the future because my precious Jordan is not here. I don't have any scripted answer. All I hold on to is my love for my child as a mother and my memories of all our time together. The lingering of his laughter and the warmth of his big smile. I don't have any magical words. Just the understanding of a mother who has lost her son and is trying to live this new life without my beloved Jordan.God bless all mothers like us who have the unimaginable pain and sorrow in our hearts, minds and soul.

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