It's been almost three years since my 21 year old son Justin has passed on. He was actually murdered, but I prefer to say pass on because...well, I'm sure most of you understand. I know I need to continue to live my life until it's my time to go, but I just can't bring myself to enjoy anything. If feels so wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't like feeling this way; in constant pain, but somehow it seems like if I actually did something that was fun or I enjoyed or USE to enjoy it would feel even worse. I can't get past that and I don't know how. My 3 year old grandaughter (Justin's daughter) always asks me, "Grandma whats that thing between your eyebrows." She is referring to the crease (or wrinkle) I have from constant sadness. Then she wants to know if I'm sad or upset with her. That just breaks my heart. I don't even realize I'm always walking around looking like that. I know I NEED to do something and I want to, even if just for the other people around me and the ones I love but I just don't how; I just don't know if I can handle it. God knows the current state I'm in is not a good one, but I just don't know how.....
I know all of us here are feeling the same or similar feelings, I wish we didn't but we do, so I know you understand and wanted to reach out to ask if anyone knows where to start and how to deal with the crushing emotions of it all.
Thank you and I pray for us all.


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Jul 31, 2014
How To Continue Living with/without the guilt
by: Karla

I'm in the same boat. It's been over 3 years since we lost our only child, a beautiful 28 year old, thru the aftermath of a slip & fall accident. The first year I was obsessed about finding out what happened to her, wrongful death, medical examiner signing off on an incorrect autopsy, the list goes on. Then I really started declining, mentally, now physically. They call it chronic grief. Everyone handles losing a child differently. Love your grandchild, which I know you do! Be happy you have a part of your baby. My daughter hadn't married yet, or had a child. I have 2 grandkittens. The older of the 2, pines for her Mommie. I pray for all of us that's lost loved ones. It doesn't make anything better for me. I know she's with Jesus. I know I'll be with her again, but I long for her now. I miss the calls, texts, seeing her, telling her I love her everyday of her life. It's like I fell in the grave with her. About the time I think I've dug myself out, I slip back in. I was very creative, witty, could hold my own. That's all gone. I hope those traits return. It's very hard for me to talk to anyone. My mind's gone. I feel bad for my husband of 34+ years. We know that we're suppose to move on, sometimes I don't think it's possible. Thank goodness my hubby has his work, now he has to take care of me. I pray things can get better for you and myself, or I should say anyone with chronic grief. With me, there'll never be solid closure. It seems to be the same for you. May God Bless You

Jun 14, 2014
Our children
by: Kate

On here were pour out our hearts and pain. Others may not understand our feelings but on here,we do,deeply understand. Others may say we are negative or sad or depressed too long but how we feel inside we know they just don't know. We struggle to go on,go forward,fight depression,deal with a broken heart,this is no easy task! I lost my son 17 months ago.
Grief is a hard road and anything we do is our own path to try and cope. We must forgive ourselves and others who don't get it. God knows our struggle.

Jun 07, 2014
How to continue living with/without the guilt
by: Doreen UK

Vickie. I am sorry for your loss of your Son. Give yourself and break and stop worrying about how you should be and pleasing other people. This is what we all want to do. But if you were in a car crash and in hospital would you be happy and trying to please people. NO!! You have lost your Child in a very tragic horrific way. YOU ARE HURT. You are a BROKEN HEARTED mother trying to do her best and at the same time worrying about other people and perhaps what they may think of you. FOCUS on you. Start with Pampering yourself. Get your hair done. Buy yourself some flowers, go out for a burger or other fast food treat. Go out for a lovely meal if this is what you like. If you like gardening plant a spot just for your son. Put flowers down for him every birthday/anniversary of his death. Honour Him the way you need to. Do special things for yourself each day, every day, till it becomes a way of life. This is the best foundation to Healing from grief. You have Lost a special part of you and you need to care for yourself. There is nothing selfish in doing this. It is actually a very MATURE and loving thing to do. As a mother we are CARERS. It is what we do, and happy doing, putting the needs of everyone first. It wasn't till I lost my husband to cancer 2yrs. ago that suddenly I was confronted with ME. I didn't know what to do with ME. I am NURTURING myself each day and healing from my grief. Bad days and some good days. But this is life. Cry when you need to and don't apologise for being YOU. Don't ever feel guilty for spoiling yourself. We will still keep making mistakes and getting things wrong. But we can also address the balance by honouring ourselves when we get it right. We all have a hard time adjusting to life now after loss, and not knowing where to begin and what to do. It is going to be hard to re-structure our lives again. But God will help us get there. He is all we have. Lean on God and on other's who can support you. May God be with you and help you to recover from your loss of your son, and give you the strength to cope each day.

Jun 05, 2014
right there with you
by: Joe's mom

It has been 11 month since I lost my baby and I too have been struggling with guilt if I have a good day. Last weekend, my husband and I went to our first joyous occasion brother's oldest open house for high school graduation. We did have a good time, though I spent some time alone with his baby (just under 2 years) so I did not have to chat with adults the whole time. I miss joy, and I want to return to living my life, but the journey is stressful. I did not attend the other graduations to which I was invited, nor the parties (there were 5 this year) but a cousin's son has invited me to their open house father's day Sunday, at a park by our home. I plan to go there, if only for an hour or two. The pain comes in waves as I think of their future that I cannot have with my son, but I will attempt to build a life back this year as I know I must keep living. I often chant " I just want my baby back" when I am alone, though I am fully aware it cannot be...I still truly WANT that. I am unsure if I carry a constant sad face, but I know I can genuinely smile if I try, so I must occasionally try to find some joy, as life is so long without any. Maybe you can start by allowing yourself to feel peace and thinking about the joy you can feel if you live in the moment with the granddaughter. Maybe you begin by doing something to bring a smile to the two of you. It is surely something all of us understand, I think. I wish you peace first, then maybe the sunshine will bring joy. Hugs.

Jun 05, 2014
Thank you Belinda
by: Anonymous

Just want to thank you Belinda for your reply and I am sorry for the loss of your son as well. As crazy as it is, there is some comfort knowing there are others out there experiencing the same pain and emotions, not because we want others to suffer as we are but just because we know there are others who understand and we are not going insane. It would be so easy to go to that insane place but for the grace of God most of us don't. It is so exhausting though trying not to fall apart. We are so torn as mothers; we want to be happy, healthy and supportive to our other children while grieving for the one we exhausting. I miss my baby so much, if I see someone that looks like him, I stop and stare for a few minutes just imagining its him just to have that feeling back of what it was like when he was still here. Don't know how healthy that is but we all do what we need to I guess. Thank you again Belinda, I also pray for you and your family and hope God comforts you until you and your son are reunited once again.

Jun 04, 2014
by: Michelle

All I do is look back. How can we look toward the future when the largest part of us died with our child? I am empty and tired. Our. Daughter died exactly 23 days after graduating from clarion university. Her whole life and ours gone in an instant. Like you I no longer enjoy. I feel guilt when I eat! We went to my brothers in up state new York last weekend and I totally dreaded it. I don't want to go anywhere. Today was an angry day, full of rage and hate. I simply don't care anymore about anything. I want to hold her, feel her, smell her, hear her laugh. My heart aches and I too have a crease in the middle of my eyes from crying almost every day for 17 months.

Jun 04, 2014
by: Belinda

I feel your pain I lost my son Dec 2014
Killed in a car wreck him and his best friend
they where both 22.The road we travel is a hard one it hard when family and friends avoid you because they don't know what to say or do
and your left alone to deal with it
it will four years Dec 2 and the only thing I found is calling on Jesus when I cannot take it anymore .You I both know we want our lives back but who we where has been taken It like starting
life all over again I have 2 other children and 7 grandchildren Deandre will be 26 on June 23
what bothers me the most is not being able to let go I know I have not given you any good advise but so take one day at a time try and look forward its so hard but looking back just fills us with agony god bless you I will keep you in my prayers

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