How to pick up the pieces of your life?

Jess always enjoyed showing his belly to everyone

Jess always enjoyed showing his belly to everyone

With the death of a loved one, all the funeral arrangements taken care of and the funeral services are all done. All his out of state family leaves and goes back home to resume their "normal" life, and even his immediate family here go on the resume their "normal" life, like they didn't just lose a family and son. But as the spouse, how do you find a "normal" even a new "normal". I've gone through some 1 on 1 counceling and even some group counceling through hospice, which helps to a point, but still doesn't answer the question of "How do you begin a new "normal" life? Especially when so much of your life, soul, and heart are still tied to the old "norm". There are times I have days on end that I can even function well enough to even answer the phone or even care about anything in general. I manage enough some days to get bills paid, but to deal with bills of his. You tell them repeatedly he's deceased, it's like that one word totally escapes their conception. I managed to get up and get dressed and go to church today, but they all began talking about having a social for Valentine's Day and to bring a "friend". Hearing all that talk, I couldn't control my tears in church, and I don't think I can honestly go to their social. Instead, I'm opting to go to the cemetary and set up some flowers for the Valentine, the love of my life that I loved and sit and talk to him. He was always the romantic one in our relationship. He was a #1 husband when it came to always surprising me with flowers at this time of year, even from a hospital room.
In spite of all the chaplain's services, which I respect him very much. I still hold so much anger at the transplant evaluation team at Shands in Gainesville, FL. It only took the word of 1 of 3 surgeons to decide that just because my husband was in a wheelchair, that he wasn't eligible for a transplant. Where do they get off playing god with people's lives. I had always believed that the transplant system was to help the sickest first. That is not the case, first it has to be guaranteed that the money will be in an account, and the fact that they apparently they don't think handicapped people deserve a fair shot at a transplant. Who's to say that with prayer, family support and a lot of love that my husband couldn't have made a good candidate and made it ok. He was different than me in temperament, he always held out hope that he'd somehow make the list, which would have not only helped his liver disease, but also saved and restarted his kidneys again. Right now, it seems my life is stuck in neutral and I can't find a way out of it. When he passed he took half my heart with him, and I just can't get motivated nor have the knowledge of even knowing where to start on how to begin anew. Sometimes life itself sucks when you lose your soulmate. The jokester who always made me laugh. Missing the feel of his arm around me, especially at night is miserable. I still take 1 step ~ 1 breath, but sometimes take 3 or 4 steps backward. I love you my sweet, gentle, man.

Comments for How to pick up the pieces of your life?

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 20, 2011
by: Eunice

I feel your loss. It is indeed hard to know what to do when your whole life has been thrown in a whirlwind.
I too would be worried why all the sudden these 2 guys that you never went out with when your husband was still alive would suddenly want to take you out, if their intent was thinking you'd be easy prey, that'd be just so wrong and inconsiderate of them to even think such a thing.
I spent Valentine's Day taking flowers to my husband's grave and sitting there talking to him and crying because of missing him so much, and March 18th is quickly coming up and that would have been his 49th birthday.
With the exception of going to church and going to counceling with hospice, I tend to avoid most people, especially his family. Since they've basically went back to their normal life as if nothing even happened, and act as if I should too. It's just not been that easy for me because we were a team, so I still go thru periods of ups and downs, and just do the best I can every day. I still feel the terrible sense of loss that just won't go away.
God Bless you.
1 day ~ 1 step

Feb 14, 2011
its not easy or straightforward at all.
by: Anonymous

How do you find a new normal? Good question, will things ever feel normal again? With time will they? I am in the process of trying to do the very same thing myself and my grief is further along than yours. It does take time and as each day passes you begin to find out things that you like to do, to watch to eat and do pretty much as you please. However when that begins to feel normal I do not know. I think it might be years not months for that to occur. In the mean time do what feels o.k and brings you comfort. I know that you are angry about the transplant refusal. Counseling would be a good place to start. Anger had its place in grief I just don't know how long before it begins to attack us back.

Feb 14, 2011
No Transplant for us Either
by: TrishJ

My husband Joe passed away on December 3, 2010 while awaiting a cardiac transplant. I know from experience that the transplant evaluation was very strict. My husband was up and about but due to his weakened heart condition spent a lot of time in a wheel chair. He was placed on the UNOS list. His poor body just gave out while waiting before a donor match was found. I really doubt that he would've been considered for transplant if he were permanently in a wheel chair. There are many factors that have to be considered. I just wanted to you know that there aren't always happy endings even if you make it to the transplant list.

It's just about impossible for me right now to move on. I've had two of my husband's friends calling me, wanting to take me out to dinner. I never went to dinner with them before (not even with my husband) so I'm thinking, do they have more than dinner on their minds? I'm having a hard time doing anything new. I'm so use to having my husband around every day for so many years. I don't know what normal is right now. I'm trying but it's very difficult.

Valentine's day is hard. I walked into my sister's house this morning and she had a dozen roses sitting in her entry way. I miss my Valentine.
Like you step at a time. God's blessings.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!