How to pick up the pieces of your life?
Jess always enjoyed showing his belly to everyone
With the death of a loved one, all the funeral arrangements taken care of and the funeral services are all done. All his out of state family leaves and goes back home to resume their "normal" life, and even his immediate family here go on the resume their "normal" life, like they didn't just lose a family and son. But as the spouse, how do you find a "normal" even a new "normal". I've gone through some 1 on 1 counceling and even some group counceling through hospice, which helps to a point, but still doesn't answer the question of "How do you begin a new "normal" life? Especially when so much of your life, soul, and heart are still tied to the old "norm". There are times I have days on end that I can even function well enough to even answer the phone or even care about anything in general. I manage enough some days to get bills paid, but to deal with bills of his. You tell them repeatedly he's deceased, it's like that one word totally escapes their conception. I managed to get up and get dressed and go to church today, but they all began talking about having a social for Valentine's Day and to bring a "friend". Hearing all that talk, I couldn't control my tears in church, and I don't think I can honestly go to their social. Instead, I'm opting to go to the cemetary and set up some flowers for the Valentine, the love of my life that I loved and sit and talk to him. He was always the romantic one in our relationship. He was a #1 husband when it came to always surprising me with flowers at this time of year, even from a hospital room.
In spite of all the chaplain's services, which I respect him very much. I still hold so much anger at the transplant evaluation team at Shands in Gainesville, FL. It only took the word of 1 of 3 surgeons to decide that just because my husband was in a wheelchair, that he wasn't eligible for a transplant. Where do they get off playing god with people's lives. I had always believed that the transplant system was to help the sickest first. That is not the case, first it has to be guaranteed that the money will be in an account, and the fact that they apparently they don't think handicapped people deserve a fair shot at a transplant. Who's to say that with prayer, family support and a lot of love that my husband couldn't have made a good candidate and made it ok. He was different than me in temperament, he always held out hope that he'd somehow make the list, which would have not only helped his liver disease, but also saved and restarted his kidneys again. Right now, it seems my life is stuck in neutral and I can't find a way out of it. When he passed he took half my heart with him, and I just can't get motivated nor have the knowledge of even knowing where to start on how to begin anew. Sometimes life itself sucks when you lose your soulmate. The jokester who always made me laugh. Missing the feel of his arm around me, especially at night is miserable. I still take 1 step ~ 1 breath, but sometimes take 3 or 4 steps backward. I love you my sweet, gentle, man.