How to proceed after losing my 28 yo gf to a cancer?
Sorry to put you thru this and this is going to be too long to read but anyhow...
I'm 30 and she was 27 when she was diagnosed a cervical cancer. Very rare to have it at this age. It was Jul 2012. From that point on everything went downwards. Doctors made an operation which was unsuccessful because that thing had spread. After few radiation therapies they discovered it is already in the liver. After 4 times of chemo, the tumor had "significantly shrunk" and they proceeded to ray therapy. The raying (is there such a word?) was hard, she had to vomit nearly every day, was not having appetite and had temperature each day up to 39,5 celsius or 103.1 F. After when it was finished, they discovered that tumor in the liver is growing back at a fast rate. To make it make it more complicated, she decided not tell her mom or any other relative anything at all because she thought she would be ok. Never asked anything to the doctor directly. She wanted to live. So i was all the time on my own with her at the hospital (my job is everywhere where i can access internet), at home. I saw everything from the beginning till the end, how this disease is eating a person. And believe me, it was was VERY VERY vivid. We came home, she wasn't eating nearly anything, was vomiting, having temperature. She was taking morphia and that made her quite sleepy. She had developed quite big ascites which she thought was a side effect from all the antibiotics. I took her to palliative care unit. Finally brought her mother because i thought she had the right to know. That was not the happiest day of her mother's life. I kissed my gf goodbye and told that i would be there around 14:00 the next day. On the March 1st 00:30 she died with her mother sitting next to her. These are just basic facts, emotionally it was the biggest torture i can possibly imagine. On the March 1st 11:00 i was picking her coffin instead of the wedding ring.
She was my everything. We were a match. After all this I am quite sure that i know what love is. I have thought millions of times that it would be much easier to die instead of her. Besides that she was visually the most beautiful creature in this universe. And that you could see walking down the street in the summer or at parties.
So this was the intro. My question is - what to do. I have tried psychotherapists. Maybe they help for somebody but i really, really, really do not need to tell it to a person who probably has heard it 1000 times before. It is NOT getting easier by very deeply digging the whole thing up. I checked wikipedia. I know what he was doing. It is psychotherapy 101. And I'm sure it does not work for me. Tranquilizers make me a vegetable i cannot work under them to pay my bills, antidepressants show no effect at all. Unfortunately i'm not religious. But i have studied much more these things than an average believer has. I cannot shut my brain off and believe in something which has no proof (sorry religious folks). The problem is, i still have to make my living somehow. Hospital costs have cut a pretty big hole in my budget, the bills do not stop just because i feel bad. And the knights...Only now i understand what is meant by "memories chasing you". I'm not suicidal, i'm not an alcoholic, and i cannot everyday or most of the days hang out with my friends. We're not 19 anymore and they have their own lives. My life has drastically changed. I'm alone, nothing makes sense now and i'm on the verge of stopping functioning like a human being. Also i cannot see myself in a relationship with another woman. It is just out of question. "life goes on" is just sentence without meaning to me. Also - time heals everything...yes, if you can make it to the point where time starts to change something. For me I wouldn't be so sure.
I'm sure many of the visitors of this forums have gone thru smth like this. Any advice will be appreciated.
Thank you for reading, thank you for your time and sorry for my English, not my mother's tongue.
P.s. after nearly 3 years of fighting over remote control for hockey Vs a romantic movie...i would go for a movie now...75% of the time