How to proceed after losing my 28 yo gf to a cancer?

Hi.
Sorry to put you thru this and this is going to be too long to read but anyhow...
I'm 30 and she was 27 when she was diagnosed a cervical cancer. Very rare to have it at this age. It was Jul 2012. From that point on everything went downwards. Doctors made an operation which was unsuccessful because that thing had spread. After few radiation therapies they discovered it is already in the liver. After 4 times of chemo, the tumor had "significantly shrunk" and they proceeded to ray therapy. The raying (is there such a word?) was hard, she had to vomit nearly every day, was not having appetite and had temperature each day up to 39,5 celsius or 103.1 F. After when it was finished, they discovered that tumor in the liver is growing back at a fast rate. To make it make it more complicated, she decided not tell her mom or any other relative anything at all because she thought she would be ok. Never asked anything to the doctor directly. She wanted to live. So i was all the time on my own with her at the hospital (my job is everywhere where i can access internet), at home. I saw everything from the beginning till the end, how this disease is eating a person. And believe me, it was was VERY VERY vivid. We came home, she wasn't eating nearly anything, was vomiting, having temperature. She was taking morphia and that made her quite sleepy. She had developed quite big ascites which she thought was a side effect from all the antibiotics. I took her to palliative care unit. Finally brought her mother because i thought she had the right to know. That was not the happiest day of her mother's life. I kissed my gf goodbye and told that i would be there around 14:00 the next day. On the March 1st 00:30 she died with her mother sitting next to her. These are just basic facts, emotionally it was the biggest torture i can possibly imagine. On the March 1st 11:00 i was picking her coffin instead of the wedding ring.
She was my everything. We were a match. After all this I am quite sure that i know what love is. I have thought millions of times that it would be much easier to die instead of her. Besides that she was visually the most beautiful creature in this universe. And that you could see walking down the street in the summer or at parties.
So this was the intro. My question is - what to do. I have tried psychotherapists. Maybe they help for somebody but i really, really, really do not need to tell it to a person who probably has heard it 1000 times before. It is NOT getting easier by very deeply digging the whole thing up. I checked wikipedia. I know what he was doing. It is psychotherapy 101. And I'm sure it does not work for me. Tranquilizers make me a vegetable i cannot work under them to pay my bills, antidepressants show no effect at all. Unfortunately i'm not religious. But i have studied much more these things than an average believer has. I cannot shut my brain off and believe in something which has no proof (sorry religious folks). The problem is, i still have to make my living somehow. Hospital costs have cut a pretty big hole in my budget, the bills do not stop just because i feel bad. And the knights...Only now i understand what is meant by "memories chasing you". I'm not suicidal, i'm not an alcoholic, and i cannot everyday or most of the days hang out with my friends. We're not 19 anymore and they have their own lives. My life has drastically changed. I'm alone, nothing makes sense now and i'm on the verge of stopping functioning like a human being. Also i cannot see myself in a relationship with another woman. It is just out of question. "life goes on" is just sentence without meaning to me. Also - time heals everything...yes, if you can make it to the point where time starts to change something. For me I wouldn't be so sure.
I'm sure many of the visitors of this forums have gone thru smth like this. Any advice will be appreciated.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your time and sorry for my English, not my mother's tongue.

P.s. after nearly 3 years of fighting over remote control for hockey Vs a romantic movie...i would go for a movie now...75% of the time

Comments for How to proceed after losing my 28 yo gf to a cancer?

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May 13, 2013
afterlife?
by: Anthony C

Hi

You say that you are not religious, but, what if therei s an afterlife - and not from the religious viewpoint, but as a fact?

For myself, my faith was badly shaken when I lost my lovely wife Constance to a cancer relapse. searching the internet I came upon evidential proof of the afterlife and, to know that our loved ones are always around and about us. I sense my wife's presence constantly.

Try the weekly afterlife report from victor zammit at as a springboard. I hope it helps!

May 13, 2013
Seek Help first with God; then with mankind
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for your loss; we never know what grief is like until we, ourselves, walk thru it. The advice I have may not be what you want to hear right now, but it is the only advice that will ever carry you through this sorrow. That is faith and trust in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. You cannot see the wind and yet you know it is there around you--feeling it and breathing it. The same is with God--we do not see with human eyes but He is there for us. I do not understand God's ways; why He takes one person and not others. We are not going to ever understand the loss of good people while vile mean rotten people continue to live. God's ways are not our ways and we are not to know the answer now. In order to continue on living (as much as we do not want to)we must turn daily to God; asking Him to lead us thru this sorrowful time; He and ONLY He can help us.

May 13, 2013
No easy way
by: Lawrence

Hi,
There is no easy way to get over this hell of losing a loved one; it is the worst nightmare you will ever experience.
I lost a beloved and cherished wife nearly five months ago after being together for seventy years and the anguish and pain is remorseless, I still cry daily as I know you do, I miss her dreadfully.
A woman came on Friday to do her memorial stone and I must admit I wept buckets of tears realizing finally she has gone and I had to describe in a few words a lifetime of passion and love. I couldn’t do it but I know I will have to sooner or later.
Everybody on this website has gone through the hell and heartache you are suffering so read all our stories and know you are in good company.
You are so very young to have suffered bereavement and all our hearts go out to you.
I’m so sorry this contribution will do little to help but frankly there are no words to ease your pain.
Lawrence

May 13, 2013
It's all so hard to fathom~~Part 2
by: Melina

(Part 2 of It’s all so hard to fathom) I wish for you a place of rest and safety for your conscience being. You mentioned something that was intriguing too. That you believed in something which has no proof. I have studied quantam mechanics since my husband died as I am more science oriented than anything else. Maybe more study in what you believe in would be helpful. I’m not sure my study has helped me but I know it keeps me distracted. Take care and try to find a place in your head that brings you a little peace of mind. Do what you can. It has to be enough right now.

May 13, 2013
It's all so hard to fathom
by: Melina

I have read your writing and with a heavy heart and I feel your pain. Why? Because all of us who are writing here are suffering from the same malady. A broken heart. As real as any disease that someone can have. I know before this happened to me I couldn’t have imagined the pain and anguish. I still can’t as my husband of 35 years died on Jan 21 2013 and my feelings are still raw.
It’s hard to describe the actual feelings because there are no words that express the depth. We tend to describe the circumstances that surround the feelings. I too am not religious, and I too have no desire to tell my life story to some stranger, professional or not. I find that the people who understand me are the ones I can scream and cry to helplessly and though they are not “professionals” getting it out of me and telling someone else has partially helped. At least it has gotten me past the stage of complete knockdown. Sometimes the people you think are going to be the most help aren’t and those who you never thought could are the best. I’ve learned not to expect anything from anyone who hasn’t lost a soulmate to death’s door.
Remember just observing our feelings does not heal them; does not fundamentally change our relationship patterns; does not make our fear of intimacy go away. We need to feel, experience, and release the emotional energy in order to heal the wounds and take power away from them.
If someone has not had the kind of grief and anger we have - the actual emotional release involving the deep grieving of sobs and snot running out the nose, and anger, beating on cushions while you melt down and shout out your rage - then they will not be as understanding of you getting emotional. Deep emotions can be terrifying for some people- and unless someone has been through it themselves, they will be scared by your emotions. They will try to get you back into an intellectual framework - and many of them will tell you that you need to go on medication.
Our roles in this world are designed to have you fit into the “dysfunctional” system where grief is to be contained. Functioning normally because you are overwrought by grief is not easy in our world. As you said, people think “life goes on”. Not always. Not without pain that is unimaginable by others. What to do? None of us have the answer to that question. We each are trying to do the best we can depending on our strength and beliefs. I believe it is helpful to talk it out with people who are in the same situation. I am on another thread with several other people and we express ourselves daily to each other. Maybe you have friends or family that you can express your very deepest concerns to? I ended up talking about something that I would normally have kept to myself to a friend the other night and though I had a total breakdown I think it helped. I think it got something resolved that needed to be spoken.
(see part 2, I can never stay within 300 charaacters)




May 13, 2013
How to proceed after losing my 28 yo gf to a cancer?
by: Doreen U.K.

I know you asked for any advice as it would be appreciated. I am sorry for your loss. You are facing a type of grief that you say is not responding to psychotherapy. You are not religious. and you can't see yourself with another woman. It is too early in grief to imagine moving forward here. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 1yr. ago. I was his caregiver and had to watch him die slowly. I know how hard this is. I applaud you for getting your girlfriends mother to her before she died. She would have been too ill to argue whether she was happy about her mother being by her bedside whilst she was dying. But you did this for the right reasons.
I usually advise people to get counselling. But you have tried this and it doesn't work so it is not for you. Some people come with difficulties that do benefit from psychotherapy. But as you say it is not for everyone. therapy takes time to work. I didn't believe in it and was resistant to it but went anyway and it was the saving of me. So it does work for some people. I have a strong belief in God and I get all my strength from God to get by each day. But you say this is not for you. Your resistance to some forms of help may be your grief making you feel like this. You could keep a journal and write out all your feelings and anger and this will at least get it out of your system. You could get together with your girlfriends mother and help each other through your grief.
You could visit a childrens cancer ward and often children can say the things we need that can put some perspective on our own feelings of grief.
It is TALKING OUT OUR FEELINGS. CRYING. RELEASING OUR ANGER. which is going to help us Heal from grief. When you are less resistant because you are grieving you will find a way through this that helps you. What helps one person may not help another. WE can offer suggestions but only you know what is going to work for you. Just keep trying different things to see what works. Because you have to work to pay the bills is one way of having a distraction from grief. Work is good. BUT saying this often grief assaults the body physically and is very tiring that one may not be well enough to work. Taking some time out for recovery may be all that is needed to cope with where you are right now. Keep talking on this site. You are with likeminded people struggling with the same feelings and grief.

May 13, 2013
How to proceed after losing my 28 yo gf to a cancer?
by: Doreen U.K.

I know you asked for any advice as it would be appreciated. I am sorry for your loss. You are facing a type of grief that you say is not responding to psychotherapy. You are not religious. and you can't see yourself with another woman. It is too early in grief to imagine moving forward here. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 1yr. ago. I was his caregiver and had to watch him die slowly. I know how hard this is. I applaud you for getting your girlfriends mother to her before she died. She would have been too ill to argue whether she was happy about her mother being by her bedside whilst she was dying. But you did this for the right reasons.
I usually advise people to get counselling. But you have tried this and it doesn't work so it is not for you. Some people come with difficulties that do benefit from psychotherapy. But as you say it is not for everyone. therapy takes time to work. I didn't believe in it and was resistant to it but went anyway and it was the saving of me. So it does work for some people. I have a strong belief in God and I get all my strength from God to get by each day. But you say this is not for you. Your resistance to some forms of help may be your grief making you feel like this. You could keep a journal and write out all your feelings and anger and this will at least get it out of your system. You could get together with your girlfriends mother and help each other through your grief.
You could visit a childrens cancer ward and often children can say the things we need that can put some perspective on our own feelings of grief.
It is TALKING OUT OUR FEELINGS. CRYING. RELEASING OUR ANGER. which is going to help us Heal from grief. When you are less resistant because you are grieving you will find a way through this that helps you. What helps one person may not help another. WE can offer suggestions but only you know what is going to work for you. Just keep trying different things to see what works. Because you have to work to pay the bills is one way of having a distraction from grief. Work is good. BUT saying this often grief assaults the body physically and is very tiring that one may not be well enough to work. Taking some time out for recovery may be all that is needed to cope with where you are right now. Keep talking on this site. You are with likeminded people struggling with the same feelings and grief.

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