how to say good bye to my dad
I lost my dad on 5/2/2010 to aggressive kind of leukemia. I was raised in middle east during war and revolution. my dad was my protector, my mentor my everything. and we were in long distance back and forth to US since I was 16. when he was diagnosed with leukemia it was a shock. he was very healthy, and he was in the middle of family feud and legal issues with his brother/partner, to whom my dad was very dependent emotionally as an older brother and father, since they lost their dad early. after his diagnosis we brought him to us, and with several chemos, the leukemis kept coming back, and his bone marrow died. it was so hard to see hi like that , could not walk, in pain, and the hardest part was he couldn't speak english and even though we told him what he has he never fully got, or may be choose to not understand that he is dying. he was always a man that internalized his emotions, and it was so hard for me that i could not say goodbye to him, to this day I wish i had talked to him about his dying and said goodbye. they tell me I have to respect who he was, but that does not change the fact that I feel I wish I had talked to him about his death my emotions, and said goodbye. but my dad never talked about his emotions, he was very private and wanted to solve everything on his own, and not bother us , in a way protecting us. I still dream that I can't say goodbye to him. and even worst during this horrible 8 months that he was fighting we had to continue dealing with his legal issues with uncle and his business, and our family fell apart, my older sister became so vicious, and angry at everyone. she basically tore the family apart. she called my uncle and told him , we are thief and working behind her back, and called my mom and us names, and had fight with the doctors telling them they are killing my dad,...threatening to get lawyer and sue us for emotional issues, just disaster, basically, I think she rubbed our family her and my uncle issues from being with my dad and time of this painful 8 months, I mean I was physically there, but always arguing, fighting, just no love around, I hate that my family fell apart and I had no support. Thank god for my husband, he is great about talking about emotions sad or happy. he is not afraid, and it was so great to talk to him, and since he had lost his father to cancer too that was great support for me. I think that is basically my family is so bad with emotions like death, and they are full of fear and anger, esp my older sister, and mom always was weak in front of my older sister, because she would take things all the way, and cut family, so my mom always protected her and asked I and my younger sister to give more, and even worst just blamed us. any way my after 8 months of shock, depression , sadness, I still have anger towards my sister, and she still blames us, and our relationship is severed, and my mom, she really broke down and treated my dad so purely to wards the end, I think she hated him. I have a hard time accepting now that she misses him! My therapist said my sister has border line personality disorder, and that really helped me to detach from her abuse and anger, because i was very attached to her before all these, and that was painful to lose my dad and my family at the same time. see probably if you are reading this you think the same thing I think, where is my story about my dad? that is my pain there is so much shit (excuse my language) in my family that I just can't grief my dad. I mean he was my life, he was the only one in the family that understood me, and now he is gone. he was like a tree and I feel like a branch fallen off, with no home no support, I am left with wolves, I don't feel like I have a family anymore, other than my younger sister. how do I go on? I f it wasn't for my 3 years old , I wish I would stay in bed and just be in daze for a long time. but because of him, I can't cry, and I go to work, and just going on with my life since my dad passed. Now I am getting physically ill, and feel exhausted and sad, and just don't have anything else to give. ready to quit all my jobs and don't know what to do or how to live?!
thanks for listening to me, I feel so alone in my grief.