I lost my dad in January from Stage 4 cancer. He was sick for over five years. I figured, people survive cancer all the time. My dad isn't going to die. It didn't seem possible. I remained in denial through his death, and am only now beginning to cope with what's happened. I feel guilty that I didn't acknowledge it sooner. Even despite tearful calls saying 'I'm dying, I'm dying' I just wouldn't believe it. Now I wonder what life might be like for me if I had to begun to cope with this years ago. I also wonder what our relationship would have been like if I could've been there for him the way I should have been. My best was always 'keep fighting, you will beat this', but i would give anything to just sit with him or hug him one more time without my useless persistence. He feels so close, but so far away at the same time. It just doesn't seem real that he isn't here. I listen to voicemails and hear his voice, and think that I must be able to just call him. I think of calling him every single day.
I feel like everyone around me has moved on. I'm 24 and most of my friends don't know what its like to lose a parent, so it makes them uncomfortable to talk about. It's situations like these that I wish I could call my dad because I know he would have the answer for me and know the exact right thing to say, I was his baby and only daughter after all. I'm so thankful that he isn't suffering, but I feel selfish at times because I am realizing more and more how much I need him here. The thought 'please just come back' is one that enters my mind every single day. I feel like he is alive in my head and nowhere else. I talk to a therapist, but I wish more than anything I had someone to talk to who I felt really related. My siblings are all married with children and have their own lives to attend to. I feel completely on my own as I tend to only cry about it when I'm alone. Reading this website has made me realize that I'm not. I just wish someone had the answer - how do I move past this? What will make me feel whole again? I miss you everyday Daddy, and I will never let you be forgotten.