Hurt, just wishing I knew God's plan
Hey everyone. I’m not usually a person who would do something like this but the pain I’m feeling is so immense that I’m ready to try anything that might help. So I’ll just start.
My former boyfriend and I started dating about three years ago when I was 17; I’m almost 21 now. The relationship started out wonderfully. We never rushed into things and had similar values (or so I thought). But about 9 months into the relationship I started having suspicions that he was being unfaithful (calls from girls he had never mentioned were friends and a password on his laptop). This came after months of me never prying into cell phone, facebook, or email accounts. I never imagined that I needed to and I kept quiet about my suspicions for a couple of months, as I didn’t have any solid proof. Then one day I saw him typing his password and decided to check what was going on for myself. Well low and behold, there were so many females he conversed with about dirty subjects, pornography sites saved, and a general lack of disregard for myself. I confronted him about these things and we had a long conversation where both cried and felt like it had all come to an end. I was in love though, and I couldn’t just walk away. I have an extremely forgiving heart and I decided to try and help him. He agreed that he wanted my help (he comes from a Christian background and I truly believe he was disgusted with himself but didn’t know how to stop) and would do whatever it took to have me back. He went to therapy, we both had open access to each other computers and phones, and after a few months we agreed to try and rebuild our relationship.
As expected, this process took a while. I was very hurt and uncomfortable being intimate with him for quite some time. Fast forward 2 years and we were very, very happy. We had plans to get engaged when we both graduate from college, and both of our families seemed in tune to those plans. I had completely forgiven him and felt that he really had changed. I was so proud of him for doing what he did.
But just a few days ago my world was turned upside down for the second time. As I looked in his history I found multiple searches for pornography. Needless to say it was a huge blow to my heart. I know people have differing views on this matter but I’m strongly against the business because of the influence it has on young teenagers. Not to mention, how women are objectified and the violent ideas it plants in some men’s minds. Well I confronted him. This time less hysterical. I asked how long it had been going on. He said for a few months. I know most people would say I’m naïve to believe anything he says but he spent so much on therapy and this is the first time I’ve found it, and I’m fairly diligent.
Well I told him I thought I was just enabling him by being supportive and continuing to date him. So we ended things with a very tearful conversation on both sides. I’m torn up inside. I love this person so much, despite what he’s done to me. It’s illogical. I can’t imagine him not in my life. Everything in our relationship is wonderful except for this one action. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much. Somehow through all my own pain, I feel bad for him too. I know he’s hurting. We had so many plans and dreams. I want this pain to subside so bad.