by Joe E
(Laredo, TX)

I saw my father die from a massive heart attack in front of me no more than 6 inches when I was 7 years old. I don't believe in God, but I witnessed what still to this day I can't explain. I saw his inner being, a "soul" you could call it. I saw my father transcend from my father, to an empty vessel. The second it happened, I knew it wasn't him. I'm 18 years old now, I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and have been told I never have actually grieved over his death. I have carried on as the "man of the house" for over 10 years and honestly, my heart hurts just as much as the day this tragic event in my life happened. No child deserves to see their father die. I'm not here to piss and moan, but my heart feels black. If being a man means putting aside your emotions and carrying on "for the good of the family", then I don't want to be a man. I will see him again one day. I love you dad. Waiting for you to take me fishing again

Comments for Hurt

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Sep 24, 2012
To Joe
by: Anonymous


I understand how you feel. My dad died May 31, 2012 on my front porch of a massive heart attack in front of me and my children. I cant let it go, seeing his face, seeing him opening up his eyes and being gone. I did CPR but he was already gone. I am 44 years old and I just dont know how to get over it I see where he died every day on my front porch and it kills me. No child should see their dad die in such a way.

Aug 12, 2012
Let Go Joe
by: Judith in California

Joe, a man is in touch with his feelings and can and should express them. There is no shame in being true to your emotions. God blees you on your quest for freedom of the horrible pain you still endure. It does somethig to us those who have seen our loved ones pass. I know of the minute you speak of to when we know they are gone. I felt that with my husband .

I wish you a clearer understanding.

Aug 12, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Joe I want to expand on my first post to you. Who gave you the responsibility of being the man of the house? This is wrong. You should have been allowed the space of growing up as a child. to become a man before time is indeed a grave injustice to you and very damaging. I grew up having immmense burdens and responsibilites laid on me at a very young age. it wasn't till I got older that I realised how damaged it left me. I did go into counselling for years to try and resolve many issues. I have managed to come out of this well. But it was a very painfull process in therapy and counselling. You are younger and it won't be too bad for you as it was for me. this is the only way forward for you. You don't have to put your emotions aside for the benefit of the family. This does not make you a man. It makes you DAMAGED. You have emotions and these have to be expressed. Not repressed. It is not right what you went through. Counselling will be a very painfull process and you may be tempted to give up. But if you stick with it you will emerge into the lovely young man you were meant to be. You will get your life back. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Life is not meant to be this way or death.

Aug 12, 2012
by: Dee U.K.

Dear Joe E. I am sorry for your loss of your Dad.
Wasn't anyone like a relative or someone supervising or looking after you? It sounds as if you have been left all alone and just got on with what you had to do. It is the responsibility of an Adult whose care you were in to manage how you handled the death of your father. You should not have had to experience what you did. You should have had a grief counsellor work with you to help you through the death of your father. You may very well have to do this grief work now if you are to be free of PTSD. It is more painfull doing the grief work now. but see this as URGENT. You will rise from this. No one is going to judge you for moaning. You have a right to express your feelings and how the death of your father affected you. I do believe in God. He created life and because of SIN on the earth. We Die. But God is still in charge of Life and Death. He is not a cruel God. When he comes back to earth for all those who have accepted him as their Lord and Saviour. DEATH WILL BE NO MORE. death will be destroyed forever. No more TEARS, SORROW, PAIN, SADNESS, GRIEF. For they will all have passed away. God is going to make all things new. There is a better life to come for all those who believe. Your father's SOUL is safe with God, and God will put that SOUL of your father into a new body that is perfect. You have nothing to FEAR. WE will all face death one day. DEATH is just one going to sleep and the breath (Soul) going back to God who gave it. My HOPE is that there is a better life to come. This helps me cope with my grief. God sends us His Comfort in our sorrow and grief. it is a slow process of healing. WE are all going to support you through your grief on this website. You are not ALONE.

Aug 12, 2012
by: Barbara

I'm so sorry to hear your story.
I think you have had to hide your emotions too long. A REAL MAN is aloud to cry. You need if you can to get some grief counseling and let somebody hear you out. I'm a senior citizen lady and I've always had to be the strong one of the family when my mother & father passed. I had 2 brothers and 5 sisters but they were all on drugs. I was the only one working and making money so I had to take care of everything. Now I'm old and tired and over stressed because I took on everybody else's problems now there is nobody here for me.
You are very young and you need to be selfish now and take care of yourself and try to find things to make you happy. But drugs and meds are not the answer. Find something that will make you feel good inside. Sports, school, church and some great friends. Get out and make something positive of yourself. This is your time and time can never be bought or replaced. Again it must have been devestating to witness the tragedy and I'm sure it comes in waves to your memory. Please, seek professioal help. Take care of yourself.

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